GranoVita Organic Herb Pâté

pate herby

Contains: “sustainable” palm oil, nuts, soy

Free from: wheat

You know shit’s fucked up when shoving a tube down the throat of an animal to fatten up its liver to be blended up and spread on toast is seen as a reasonable means of providing a staple food product to a middle class household.

Yeah, I used to eat that shit. And it took me a while to realise that if you have to stop yourself thinking about what your food really is to be able to put it in your mouth and swallow then MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, you shouldn’t fucking eat it.

So, while it took me a while to get into veggie pâté, I have some strong feelings about why everyone – duck stuffers included – should shut the fuck up and embrace it with open arms (and mouths).

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GranoVita’s pâté is thick without being chunky, packed full of bomb-ass herbs without the feeling of grazing on your front lawn, and it’s got a nice mild but distinct taste that doesn’t punch you in the mouth with garlic.

The downside: the bastard fucking thing is IMPOSSIBLE to get out of the tube. I had to go on Tinder and look back at the wildly inappropriate and sexually aggressive messages I’d received from thirsty fuckboys to fuel myself with enough rage to Hulk-smash the tube into submission. And when you do get it out of the tube, it looks a little bit like bird shit (ah, sweet irony). One tube costs around £2.75 which is pretty reasonable for the amount you get plus the added workout plan…

My advice: ignore the appearance and the fact you broke a sweat trying to access your afternoon snack, grab your crackers, and enjoy feeling like a middle class housewife nibbling on leftover hors d’oeuvres from your most recent dinner party.

Look, this pâté isn’t supposed to pretend to be the blended up organ of a dead bird. It is very obviously a veggie pâté, BUT that doesn’t mean omnis can’t enjoy it. And if they slag it off because it’s “weird vegan shit” just remind them that eating plants is way less fucked up than their weird carnist shit.

Alternatively, punch them in the jaw and don’t invite them round for fancy-ass food ever again.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Holland and Barrett, other health/alternative food stores

Tesco Free-From Millionaire’s Dessert

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Contains: palm oil, soya 

Free from: nuts, wheat

I SAID I WAS DONE WITH TESCO’S CHILLED DESSERTS. WELL, GUESS WHAT. I FUCKING LIED.

And you know what?

I’M GLAD I DID.

I have pretty much hated all the chilled desserts Tesco have pumped out because they all taste overwhelmingly of coconut and that shit does not fly with me.

THIS, however, is a game changer.

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It doesn’t look like much, but this NON-COCONUTTY coconut-based dessert is rich, smooth, and has the perfect chocolate:biscuit:caramel ratio. The top layer of dark chocolate mousse is dense enough to make you feel like you didn’t pay £1.50 for three unsatisfying spoonfuls of pudding, but light enough that you forget that ONE POT CONTAINS 59% OF YOUR DAILY SATURATES (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). FIFTY FUCKING NINE. I know we’re the Junkfood Punks but WHAT THE HELL, TESCO?!

The biscuit layer is exactly the same as that of Tesco’s Free-From Cheesecake. It is still that weak, crumbly chaos we have come to expect; the difference here is that because it isn’t supposedly a weight-bearing “base” you can look past its structural insufficiencies and just enjoy the flaky shortbread as it is.

At the very bottom of this child-size pot you’ll find the salted caramel sauce. It’s alright.

Seriously the caramel sauce is just kinda… caramel sauce. Like, great, you remembered to put it in AND it doesn’t taste like coconut but I’m not giving you a round of applause for something painfully average. It’s not quite as “luxurious” and “indulgent” as Tesco’s marketing team would have you believe.

All in all, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised and actually really enjoyed this dessert. Nice one, Tesco. But still, at £1.50 a pot and with 59% of my daily saturates in one serving, I think I’ll just skip dessert and go straight to the wine instead.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Tesco.

Tesco Free-From Rice Pudding with Strawberry

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Free from: gluten, nuts, palm oil, soy

Let’s get one thing straight: I am so fucking done with Tesco’s dairy-alternative desserts.

Why am I so done? THEY ALL. TASTE. LIKE GODDAMN. COCONUT.

I feel like I’ve said this a million times. It’s like they bulk-bought a dick tonne of coconut milk and went “ah crap, how are we gonna get through all of this?!” then some genius in marketing suggested they make a range of refrigerated dairy-free desserts out of it, but no one stopped to check that each individual dessert actually tasted like it was supposed to.

THIS IS NOT RICE PUDDING AS YOU KNOW IT.

It is not creamy, but clumpy. Instead of a smooth homey dessert with soft grains of rice scattered through each spoonful, it’s more like “one lump or two?” and you can bet your ass there won’t be any other flavour than goddamn coconut.

Clearly, this is why the strawberry compote exists.

Hiding at the bottom of the barrel, lumpy and lurking, waiting for your spoon to dive deep enough to catch some and cut the awful taste of the rice pudding with what one would expect to be a sweet berry relief…

Nope. The compote or whatever the hell it is they pumped in there before slopping the pudding on top is just as dull as the rest of it.

I feel betrayed to be honest. I thought the strawberry could save it. It was at this point I lost all hope.

My serving suggestion for this dessert? Throw it in the fucking bin.

That’s £1.25 and five minutes of my life that I’m never getting back.

  • My Rating: 0/5
  • Omnivore Score: 0/5
  • Overall: 0/5

Find this product at Tesco, but for fucks sake don’t buy it.

Taifun Tofu Wiener

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Contains: gluten, soy

Free From: nuts, palm oil

I used to live in New York and let me tell ya, the hot-dogs there and single handedly the most delicious and most disgusting thing you could ever possibly put in your mouth.

There’s just something about stuffing your face with a warm hot-dog smothered in ketchup (Yes, ketchup. All you mustard lovers are freaks.) while walking through central park in the snow… until your brain suddenly kicks in and goes “I bet it’s all ears and assholes and feet in this”. Cue 14 year-old G desperately trying not to throw up in public…. That wasn’t my last experience with the “real deal” but it was definitely the most memorable…

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Enter stage right: TOFU WIENER.

These long-ass frankfurters look, smell, and taste exactly the same as a classic hot-dog with the comfort of knowing there are no added assholes. They are really flavoursome and have that classic smokey taste, and they definitely aren’t the rubbery texture I was expecting.

You can even eat these veggie wieners hot or cold. The cooking instructions are to “heat in hot water for 3-4 minutes”, but me being a lazy student with zero time to wait around for water to boil I just stabbed the sausages with a fork a couple times and put them in the microwave for 40 seconds and that did the job just fine.

You could very easily bring these to a barbecue, whack ’em on the grill, and serve them up to all your pals and they would have no clue that they weren’t chomping on ground up off-cuts. I’d go as far as to say these are my top find for summer. From now on, if anyone tries to hit me up with that big-ass-mushroom-instead-of-a-burger bullshit at a barbecue I will be slapping them across the face with a wiener (oooh dirty) and screaming WE DON’T PUT UP WITH THAT BLAND SHIT ANYMORE.

One pack costs £3.50 which is reasonable given that you get four ENORMOUS wieners (hehehe) and a standard hot-dog bun only requires half a wiener, but they’re definitely more expensive than their meaty counterparts. Ah, the value of animal life.

  • My Rating: 5/5
  • Omnivore Score: 5/5
  • Overall: 5/5

Find this product at: Waitrose and online 

Tesco Free From Garlic Dough Balls

doughballs

Contains: palm oil

Free From: nuts, gluten, soy

Everybody likes garlic dough balls. They’re like garlic bread, but without anyone having to punch a family member in the face in a fight to the death over who has to eat the crusty end piece.

SO. You can imagine my excitement when wandering the frozen aisle of Tesco I came across these purple-packaged beauties.

There are 9 dough balls in a pack. One serving size is 3 dough balls. Let’s get one thing cleared up REAL FAST: NO ONE ONLY EATS THREE DOUGH BALLS. I consumed 30% of my daily saturates in one sitting for you bastards, so you better appreciate this.

First things first, the cooking instructions say to bake until golden brown. The dough balls on the packet aren’t even golden brown, and when that oven timer went off I was not gonna piss around – I had eating to do.

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Good god DAMN these things are garlicky and buttery and I think for a brief moment I fell in love. That was until I shoved a whole dough ball in my mouth and came to the disappointing realisation that the actual texture of the garlic butter was like damp herby nooch*.

As for the balls themselves (laugh it up, you filthy minded heathens), some were super soft and fluffy and basically heaven in your mouth… others were kinda chewy. These are not just straight up vegan dough balls by the way, they’re gluten free too. That’s possibly where this hit-and-miss texture comes from.

If I was hosting some kind of get together I would much rather cook some from scratch than serve these up. Yes you could feed them to your omni friends but they will for sure judge your lazy ass and then bang on about “real butter”. Spare me.

Overall, I wasn’t massively impressed with these Pizza Express wannabes. Yeah, they are huge and definitely not stingy with the garlic butter that’s for sure, but the chewiness and the fact that you won’t be able to hold a face to face conversation with anyone for the foreseeable future makes me think I won’t be having these again, even though they only cost £2.

  • My Rating: 2/5
  • Omnivore Score: 3/5
  • Overall: 2.5/5

Find these at: Tesco

 

*nutritional yeast flakes, for all of you who aren’t down with the kids.

Quorn Fishless Fingers

quorn fishless

Contains: gluten

Free From: soy, palm oil, nuts

PRAISE BE TO QUORN FOR FISHLESS FINGERS.

I’m 90% sure that every British kid grew up with fish fingers as a staple part of their diet. A while after I went vegan, someone casually mentioned fish finger sandwiches to me and still a little part of my heart broke. I felt like I’d lost a little bit of my childhood, as some of my best memories are of me and my friend Sam kicking back, playing XBox, eating fish finger sandwiches and drinking tea (we were possibly the most British teenagers alive).

I am not exaggerating when I say these little pieces of breadcrumbed heaven are a near identical match for regular fish fingers. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just over-excited by a mediocre alternative, so I had my omni sister taste test them and even she said they were a damn good replica of the real deal.

fishfinger meal

I MEAN JUST LOOK AT THEM.

The inside texture is not as oily as regular fish, but is perfectly moist compared to the breadcrumb crust. You don’t get left with any nasty after taste – which I really expected of a fish replacement – and they are incredible whether you have them as is, smothered in a shit-tonne of ketchup, or in a sandwich. Trust me, I have tried all three.

Can I sell my soul to Quorn in return for a life-time supply of these? I mean they’re only £2.50 for a pack of ten but still…

  • My Rating: 5/5
  • Omnivore Score: 4/5
  • Overall: 5/5

Find these at: various supermarkets, Holland and Barrett, and independent alternative food stores.

Tesco Free-From Blackcurrant Cheese Cakes

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Contains: palm oil

Free From: nuts, soy, gluten

“VEGAN CHEESECAKE?! Sign me the fuck up.” -me, in Tesco

“What in the HELL KIND OF SICK GAME ARE THEY PLAYING?!” -me, after eating this plastic cup of disappointment

This shit is not cheesecake. It is coconut pudding desperately masquerading as something that could maybe be perceived as cheesecake by someone who has never seen or tried cheesecake ever in their life.

cheeseless cake

THE BASE. This is not a biscuit base. This is a soft, flaky catastrophe. Theresa May would stay the hell away because this base sure ain’t strong and stable.

THE “CAKE”. What even are you doing, Tesco? Fuck off. Fuck off right now. You have made me SAD. This has in no way got the texture or tang of cheesecake. It was sweet as anything, and tasted of straight up coconut.

THE BLACKCURRANT COMPOTE. Okay yeah actually this bit was alright. Probably the saving grace of this whole monstrosity to be honest. Without the compote I would have abandoned all hope, but this made it bearable because it helped mask the overwhelming taste of coconut.

Look, this thing doesn’t taste bad by any means but it definitely does not taste like cheesecake. Tesco, just give it to us straight. Call it a “coconut dessert with blackcurrant compote” and I wouldn’t complain, because each element actually tastes quite good. Don’t be all deceiving with this “cheesecake” bullshit.

(The following scores are based on the fact that I spent £1.70 on NOT CHEESECAKE. MY HOPES AND DREAMS WERE CRUSHED.)

  • My Rating: 2/5
  • Omnivore Score: nope/5
  • Overall: 2/5

Find this product at: Tesco

Quibbles Sour Cream & Onion Cashews

 

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Contains: nuts

Free From: gluten, soy, palm oil

Okay I know what you’re thinking.

“G, these are nuts. Nuts are not junkfood.”

First of all: shut up, and second of all: these are not just any nuts. These are sour cream and onion nuts.

And you know what? THEY TASTE. LIKE PRINGLES.

Sour cream and onion Pringles were my all-time favourite crisp – because who doesn’t love sweaty sock breath? – and this little pack of surprises was honestly the best replacement I could have hoped for… in non-crisp form that is.

They’re baked not fried so you don’t get any gross oily crap on your hands, and one single-serving 30g pack costs about £0.99 and is a decent enough portion that you won’t find yourself tearing open another three and going at them like a crazed raccoon.

They’re way more interesting than just munching on boring salted cashews and for fucks sake THEY TASTE LIKE CRISPS, WHAT MORE REASON DO YOU NEED?! You can even bulk buy them online from the evil empire (Amazon).

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My one criticism is that I, being a dumb ass, didn’t properly read the label and chowed down on the whole bag before I realised there was high cross-contamination with peanuts. To which I am very allergic. So while these suckers may have momentarily filled a void in my life they also tried to take it…

I took off .5 of a point for the high cross contamination which may seem unfair but dammit I want these cashews in my life, and not just for the remaining 30 seconds of it!

  • My Rating: 3.5/5
  • Omnivore Score: 5/5
  • Overall: 4/5

Find this product at: Amazon, or use Quibbles’ store locator http://www.quibblesnibbles.com/store/

Red Velvet Oreos

red velvet oreo

Contains: gluten, soy, palm oil

Free From: nuts

“Red velvet Oreos? Hell yeah!” No, five-minutes-ago-G, YOU ARE WRONG.

Advertised as having a cream cheese flavoured crème I thought “This will be like all the classic cupcakes I’ve been missing but in a delicious biscuit form.” WRONG AGAIN.

These things are a wild ride from start to finish. For one thing, they are as thick as a damn Jane Austen novel and the only logical reason I can think of to justify this is that the Americans refused to sell something that didn’t have enough sugar per serving to instigate instant tooth decay.

Oh by the way, one serving = 2 Oreos. Let’s just take a moment to cry about that.

So, let’s bite into one of these red bastards.

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My first thought: GOD BLESS AMERICA.

My second thought that occurred milliseconds later: Is it possible to feel yourself develop heart disease?

That first bite was a fucking MONSOON of intense sugary cupcake-y flavour. It had that awesome first-bite-of-the-cake sensory overload that just smacks you right in the face. It was quickly and dramatically followed by a weird sour tang that I think was once conceptualised to imitate cream cheese. America, have you ever had cream cheese?!

What the fuck did I just subject myself to? Yeah you could easily feed these to your omnivore friends because they’re Oreos but good god why would you do that to them?! Wanna lose friends? THAT’S HOW YOU LOSE FRIENDS.

  • My Rating: ????/5
  • Omnivore Score: !!!!/5
  • Overall: ?!?!/5

Find this product at: Pretty much nowhere, fortunately.

(or your local American Candy store)