vegan meat – The JunkFood Punks

Vivera Veggie Steak

20180526_183526

Contains: soya, wehat

Free from: nuts, palm oil

Unless you’ve been living in the Marianas Trench for the last few weeks, you’ll have heard that Vivera’s Vegan Steaks launched in Tesco, and they’ve been flying off the shelves. That’s right – VEGAN STEAK! IN THE UK!

When I went vegan, my parents were shocked mostly because in my omni days my favourite meal was steak (done rare, no less…). I was as far from vegan as you could get. If you asked 14 year old Georgia if she’d ever give up cooking slabs of meat on the BBQ in exchange for a soy mock-up… well she would probably write some emo poetry or post a cringe-y Facebook status about how she less-than-threes steak more than life itself.*

Regardless, here I am, aged 23 and possibly breaking speeding laws to get my ass to the nearest Tesco before the Vivera steaks sell out so I can ethically revisit my youth and have something to blog about this week.

Here’s what it looked like fresh out the frying pan. It took less than 5 minutes to cook so pairing it with chips was a terrible idea considering how fucking hungry I was when I set out to cook this meal, but I digress…

20180526_184517

THE VERDICT?

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

It’s not perfect, don’t get me wrong. I’m not gonna stand here and wax lyrical about how it’s a bloody marvel and an exact replica of a rump or sirloin. But my god, it is god damn close enough.

The texture is great. It’s meaty, while not being exact like steak as you don’t have to saw through it, so you can put your old steak knives back in their rightful place – lost somewhere in the miscellaneous cutlery drawer.

The taste is amazing. It’s juicy and the right amount of salty, though you can tell there is a distinct soy taste to it. Jazzed up with some peppercorn sauce and this basic dinner would be a fucking winner no matter who you fed it to.

As for cooking? You literally could not fuck this up. I wasn’t kidding when I said it takes less than five minutes in a frying pan. Just don’t get distracted for five fucking minutes and you’ll be golden.

20180526_184603

Let’s be honest here – this steak is not gonna be for everyone. It may be vegan, but there are vegans out there who are so far removed from meat that they do not want or need this steak in their lives and that’s fine (more for me). There are going to be omnis out there with sticks so far up their asses that they would not even deign to try this, and again – that’s fine (because once again, more for me). And of course there will be people who still eat steak or used to eat steak who give this a go and think it falls ever so slightly short and they won’t be having it a second time. Kudos for trying, please give me your leftovers.

I loved this. I honestly fucking loved it. I could not have asked for anything more perfect because it ticks all the right boxes in taste, texture, price, and effort without being an exact replica of steak because frankly, I wouldn’t want that. I’d be too freaked. The Vivera steak toes the line and does it with such precision; I could not commend this any higher.

Oh and for anyone still on the fence about trying it: a pack of 2 Vivera steaks cost about £2.40 (less than a coffee from Costa, I’m just saying…).

My Rating – 5/5
Omnivore Score – 4/5
Overall – 5/5

Find this product at: Tesco

*for anyone confused… that’s how we used to roll with making heart emojis back in the days of MSN. ❤

May 31, 2018 by georgiamadness

GranoVita Mock Duck

20170724_194609

Contains: wheat, soy

Free from: nuts, palm oil

When I opened my can of mock duck, I experienced a feeling of complete and utter repulsion that until this day I thought would be reserved for the unlikely event of Boris Johnson dropping his trousers and sexually propositioning me.

Splaying the clammy, flesh-toned”meat” on my kitchen counter and being faced with lumps, bumps, and questionable smells reinforced my feeling that this situation was going to be equally as nauseating as a face-first experience with whatever is concealed under BoJo’s Calvins.

This shit is way too realistic in texture and appearance for me. It made my stomach turn. A duck may not have died for this, but a piece of my fucking soul definitely did.

BUT because I am obviously hardcore as fuck and because science, I tried a piece before cooking it (which according to the tin is a totally recommended serving suggestion).

Here’s my serving suggestion: DON’T.

Eating it cold is like a physical representation of the feeling you get when you find out Trump is president or the UK voted to “leave”… it’s sad, sickening, and hard to swallow. Fortunately, unlike the American or British public, mock duck managed to turn it around and not be a complete fucking tragedy.

20170724_195957

Once you get past wanting to hurl while you pull apart the larger pieces into shreds, the mock duck is fucking delightful.

It browns up really nicely in a wok and takes on the flavour of whatever you cook it in. I went for soy sauce, agave, garlic and sesame seeds and chucked it all on some wheat noodles, which tasted pretty damn good for a 5 minute fuck around in the kitchen.

It tastes good, but you definitely couldn’t fool an omni with this. The texture is good but not a perfect imitation and the flavour of the “meat” alone gives it away. At £2 for two VERY small portions it’s not worth getting into the whole “murder tastes better” debate.

My Rating – 3.5/5
Omnivore Score – 0/5
Overall – 3.5/5

Find this product at: Holland and Barrett, and other health/alternative food stores.

August 18, 2017 by georgiamadness

Linda McCartney Pulled Chicken

Contains: wheat, soya

Free From: palm oil, nuts

Seeing as Ryan loved Linda’s shredded duck so much I thought fuck it, the chicken must be just as good.

Opening the packet I thought “well, this is some flaky bullshit right here”. I thought they fucked up, that instead of moist and tender chicken shreds I had been sold some frozen fish food. Then I shut the fuck up and got my wok out (cheeky).

Because science and the fact I almost always snack while cooking, I tried a plain piece of chicken once the shreds had started to get hot and were just beginning to get a little bit of a brown crisp going on.

Fuck me for ever doubting Linda McCartney when it comes to pulling vegetarian meat (behave).

20170710_182743

The texture was spot on. This stuff would be perfect for burritos and risottos alike. It carries quite a lot of moisture in itself so don’t be a jackass like me and think it’ll totally work in a Thai green curry. That shit did not end well and looked more like the aftermath of a heavy night of boozing than an appetising Asian meal… but at least it tasted good so it wasn’t too monumental a fuck up.

As far as feeding it to your omni friends, it would be a really good way to introduce them to the concept of eating vegan food and not being a fucking asshole about it. And in classic Linda style, it’s good value for money at £2.50 a pack. So even if your friends are assholes, at least you didn’t break the bank trying to feed them shit that won’t give them heart disease.

My Rating – 5/5
Omnivore Score – 5/5
Overall – 5/5

Find this product at: most supermarkets and Holland and Barrett.

August 12, 2017 by georgiamadness

Linda McCartney Mini Pork & Apple Sausage Rolls

Contains: palm oil, wheat, soya

Free From: nuts

My Nana always makes sausage rolls from scratch EVERY YEAR for Christmas. It’s her thing, along with guilting me for being vegan and not eating her sausage rolls that she made from scratch specially for Christmas.

Personally, I don’t believe that sausage rolls should be restricted to being a once-a-year, special occasion snack food. Sausage rolls are pretty much the backbone of British food culture; try and name a single town here that doesn’t have a Gregg’s trying to flog mashed up pig wrapped in flaky pastry.

These little Linda sausage rolls are bite-sized and beautiful. Easy to cook, easy to eat, less easy to stop yourself eating half the packet…

Brushing the rolls with a milk alternative is a must to give it a golden, buttery look and taste. I used Alpro Soya Light and it worked like a charm. If you manage to not shove a whole roll in your mouth and you actually take a human sized bite, you’ll notice that good god DAMN this is some flaky pastry. This shit is PERFECTION. What is even the point in eating sausage rolls if you don’t end up with pastry flakes all over you, alerting everyone in the vicinity that:

A) There are sausage rolls near by, and

B) You have no shame.

The filling is good but to be honest I was expecting a little more sweetness from the apple, and that’s where these fall a bit flat for me. The texture of the filling is great and holds its form when you bite into it, and it tastes a hell of a lot like classic pork stuffing which means omnis probably wouldn’t notice a difference between your standard cheap sausage roll bites.

Being an absolute trash human, my solution for any mildly disappointing food is to squeeze a fuck tonne of ketchup all over that shit. It definitely improved my opinion of these sausage rolls seeing as I went on to eat another five, all smothered in tomatoey sugary goodness.

In the name of equality, I also tried them out with HP brown sauce, as my Nana would argue that putting ketchup on a sausage roll is like showing up to Christmas dinner one year having shaved half of your head (i.e. “what the fuck have you done you have RUINED CHRISTMAS”*).

(Sorry Nana)

FYI brown sauce works just fine too…

Overall these mini sausage rolls are the perfect party food as you can guarantee they’ll all be eaten with pretty much no complaining, but they’re also no show-stopper and are kinda forgettable.

My Score – 3/5
Omnivore Score – 4/5
Overall – 3.5/5

Find this product at: most supermarkets and some alternative food stores.

*not an exact quote

July 28, 2017 by georgiamadness

Tofurky Hickory Smoke Flavour Turkey Style Slices

tofurky

Contains: gluten, soy

Free from: nuts, palm oil

I was so not thrilled about trying these turkey style slices after Ryan’s Tofurky trainwreck a few blog posts ago with their artisan sausages, and I was even less thrilled when I opened the box to find what looked like a vacuum-packed breast implant reject, but good god damn am I glad I took out a small business loan to purchase this pack of vegan witchcraft. Seriously, this pack cost me roughly £3 at Holland and Barrett and it only lasted for two sandwiches.

Disclaimer: Yes I bought a “family pack”. Yes I ate the whole thing in 2 sittings. I did not come here to be judged so just read the damn post and piss off with your calorie counting, Sharon.

Everybody knows the only way to make a decent sandwich is to load that fucker up with as much filling as is physically possible. If your sandwich is over 60% bread then get the fuck out. To test these deli slices I shoved half a pack of the wafer-thin bastards in between two slices of granary loaf (granary loaf is the tits and I will fight you), slathered on at least two tablespoons of cranberry sauce (festive AF I don’t care that it’s July) and finished it off with a fistful of green leafy shit (because NUTRIENTS).

tofurky sammich

Fuck me for being so prejudiced against Tofurky. These turkey style slices are a GAME CHANGER. Honestly, they taste perfect and the fact that Tofurky go the extra mile and actually smoke their vegan meats over hickory chips instead of just using liquid smoke makes a world of difference because the flavour is second to none.

I took a slice aside while making my sandwich to see if it was still as tasty on its own. It tears like meat, which may put some hardcore vegans off… but if that’s the case just don’t tear the slices – it ain’t rocket science. They have a great smokey smell to them which was really unexpected. I was anticipating some rubber-scented bullshit, because too often it seems like not wanting to kill animals means being subjected to Goodyear Tyres’ scraps reformed into a limp slice of sadness.

I feel like I could’ve given an omni a bite of my sandwich and they probably wouldn’t question a damn thing. Obviously these aren’t supposed to emulate big thick cuts of turkey left over from a roast dinner… but as a contender for wafer thin sandwich slices these are seriously giving the meaty alternative a run for its money.

Tofurky, I apologise for previously being a judgemental dick. That was the best damn sandwich I’ve eaten since going vegan.

My Score: 5/5
Omnivore Score: 4/5
Overall: 5/5

Find this product at: Holland and Barrett, independent alternative food stores, and online.

July 15, 2017 by georgiamadness

Taifun Tofu Wiener

Contains: gluten, soy

Free From: nuts, palm oil

I used to live in New York and let me tell ya, the hot-dogs there and single handedly the most delicious and most disgusting thing you could ever possibly put in your mouth.

There’s just something about stuffing your face with a warm hot-dog smothered in ketchup (Yes, ketchup. All you mustard lovers are freaks.) while walking through central park in the snow… until your brain suddenly kicks in and goes “I bet it’s all ears and assholes and feet in this”. Cue 14 year-old G desperately trying not to throw up in public…. That wasn’t my last experience with the “real deal” but it was definitely the most memorable…

20170526_160559

Enter stage right: TOFU WIENER.

These long-ass frankfurters look, smell, and taste exactly the same as a classic hot-dog with the comfort of knowing there are no added assholes. They are really flavoursome and have that classic smokey taste, and they definitely aren’t the rubbery texture I was expecting.

You can even eat these veggie wieners hot or cold. The cooking instructions are to “heat in hot water for 3-4 minutes”, but me being a lazy student with zero time to wait around for water to boil I just stabbed the sausages with a fork a couple times and put them in the microwave for 40 seconds and that did the job just fine.

You could very easily bring these to a barbecue, whack ’em on the grill, and serve them up to all your pals and they would have no clue that they weren’t chomping on ground up off-cuts. I’d go as far as to say these are my top find for summer. From now on, if anyone tries to hit me up with that big-ass-mushroom-instead-of-a-burger bullshit at a barbecue I will be slapping them across the face with a wiener (oooh dirty) and screaming WE DON’T PUT UP WITH THAT BLAND SHIT ANYMORE.

One pack costs £3.50 which is reasonable given that you get four ENORMOUS wieners (hehehe) and a standard hot-dog bun only requires half a wiener, but they’re definitely more expensive than their meaty counterparts. Ah, the value of animal life.

My Rating: 5/5
Omnivore Score: 5/5
Overall: 5/5

Find this product at: Waitrose and online

June 16, 2017June 16, 2017 by georgiamadness

Quorn Fishless Fingers

quorn fishless

Contains: gluten

Free From: soy, palm oil, nuts

PRAISE BE TO QUORN FOR FISHLESS FINGERS.

I’m 90% sure that every British kid grew up with fish fingers as a staple part of their diet. A while after I went vegan, someone casually mentioned fish finger sandwiches to me and still a little part of my heart broke. I felt like I’d lost a little bit of my childhood, as some of my best memories are of me and my friend Sam kicking back, playing XBox, eating fish finger sandwiches and drinking tea (we were possibly the most British teenagers alive).

I am not exaggerating when I say these little pieces of breadcrumbed heaven are a near identical match for regular fish fingers. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t just over-excited by a mediocre alternative, so I had my omni sister taste test them and even she said they were a damn good replica of the real deal.

fishfinger meal

I MEAN JUST LOOK AT THEM.

The inside texture is not as oily as regular fish, but is perfectly moist compared to the breadcrumb crust. You don’t get left with any nasty after taste – which I really expected of a fish replacement – and they are incredible whether you have them as is, smothered in a shit-tonne of ketchup, or in a sandwich. Trust me, I have tried all three.

Can I sell my soul to Quorn in return for a life-time supply of these? I mean they’re only £2.50 for a pack of ten but still…

My Rating: 5/5
Omnivore Score: 4/5
Overall: 5/5

Find these at: various supermarkets, Holland and Barrett, and independent alternative food stores.

June 2, 2017 by georgiamadness

Linda McCartney’s Shredded Hoisin Duck

Contains: Gluten, Soy

Free from: Palm Oil, Nuts

I remember waiting six months at a time for Chinese New Year or Half Year to come round literally just for my mother to make crispy duck pancakes so if there was ever an authority in this department, that would be me. At £2.50 for 300g (which if you’re a hungry hungry hippo like me then that’s around 3 or so servings) you could not find a better bargain for near authenticity. If you don’t buy this, you’ve insulted my ancestors.

Now first off, if you turned your nose up at the idea of “duck” then turn it down. Next open the bag because inside you’ll find that not only is this it the right rich, mahogany colour that it should be but the packaging doesn’t lie. This is shredded. Pulled meat alternatives are hard to come by in terms of aesthetics but this is exactly that. As soon as it hit the skillet, I was honestly teleported back to mama’s kitchen with the smell of thick hoisin sauce in the air, preparing rice pancakes and chopping spring onions. Linda has scored major points in keeping it true to the real deal here.

Taste-wise it’s absolute perfection. The Chairman himself would shed a tear, it’s not overpowered by the typically heavy-duty hoisin flavour (though they’ve not skimped out, it’s definitely detectable) and the texture is on par with what you’d expect – supple yet chewy. Don’t be fooled into thinking this is only suitable for those fancy pancakes either, the flavouring and texture is flexible enough that you’d could sprinkle these into most rice dishes and you’d be in for a treat.

Would I be able to tell the difference between this and regular shredded duck? I’d probably be too busy face down in the bowl to respond… But honestly, I cannot sing its praises enough. This is the most genuine taste of home I’ve had in a while.

My Rating: 5/5
Omnivore Score: 5/5
Overall: 5/5

Find this product at: Tesco and Sainsbury’s

May 12, 2017May 25, 2017 by Ryan