Tag: tesco free from

Tesco Meat Free Fishless Fish Cakes

20180518_180535

Contains: wheat

Free from: nuts, palm oil, soy

There was one time back in my omni days at uni when I was so unwell I became a pathetic lump and could not get out of bed, even to feed myself. Yes, you heard that right – not even food could motivate me. Ryan (being the best pal that he is) did my delusional bidding and went down the chippy and got me a fish cake and chips.

It made me feel SO MUCH WORSE. THANKS FOR NOTHING, RYAN.

The point there was supposed to be that I used to love fishcakes so much that I would risk heaving them back up just in case that happened to be my last meal (it was only sinusitis… I was totally not being dramatic…).

I found this brand new box of wonder in the free-from freezer section of Tesco (where I do most of my weekly shop) and I was so excited to try them, expecting great things seeing as Tesco has been well ahead of the game in terms of stocking some top-notch vegan nosh.

20180518_183523

They definitely look that part, and they only take 20 minutes in the oven from frozen which is pretty much the upper limit when it comes to waiting time when you’re a lazy  and impatient bitch like me.

Here’s the thing… while Tesco is often the front runner of supplying us with convenient vegan food, it can also sometimes fall a little flat when it comes to their own-brand stuff.

These fishless fishcakes were perfect… if you were never really a fan of fish.

Instead of fishy, they taste quite starchy. Not in a necessarily unpleasant way… just in a sort of underwhelming “carbs with herbs” kinda way. Texture-wise they’ve hit the bulls-eye because the breadcrumb is really flavourful and doesn’t form a hard shell that conceals a mushy interior. It cooked evenly all the way through and (with enough ketchup) was a fairly inoffensive meal.

20180518_183820

Yeah. The best I can come up with for this is “inoffensive”. God, I should really work in marketing…

Look, it was fine. Not “fine” like how your partner says “fine” when you say you’re going down the pub with your mates and don’t know when you’ll be back. More like “fine” as in “the weather here in England managed to break into the low teens temperature-wise and it isn’t pissing down with rain”. That kind of fine. You aren’t going to put on a garish Hawaiin shirt and party about it, but you’ll take it if it’s there and won’t complain.

In short, there are better fake fish products out there. My omni sister swears that Quorn fishless fingers taste like the real deal, so I’m sure at some point in the future there will be some vegan fishcakes that actually taste like they were at one point somewhat vaguely near the damn ocean…

  • My Rating – 3/5
  • Omnivore Score – 2/5
  • Overall – 3/5

Find this product at: Tesco

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Cheese with Peppercorns

20171118_220644

Contains: soy

Free from: wheat, palm oil, nuts

Do you want to try a cheese that will punch you square in the fucking face? No? Me either. But I did. Because SCIENCE. And also because it is the latest addition to the free-from coconut alternative cheese range at Tesco, so how could I refuse?

This is a different cheese than the ones we have come to know and love (or hate… the jury seems to be hung on Tesco cheese). It is much softer, creamier, and a little bit wetter than the cheddar or blue block cheeses that Tesco has to offer. It reminds me a hell of a lot of goats cheese, but without the offensive sour tang that I used to fucking despise.

The cheese itself has a nice peppery undertone but HOLY MOTHER OF GOD the peppercorn crust will kick you in the teeth and spit in your bleeding mouth. It is so ridiculously intensely peppery I can only imagine that the food techs of Tesco sat in a room and said “let’s fuck em up”. The worst part is the crust is at the BOTTOM of the packet… hidden… waiting… ready to strike.

I won’t lie to ya, I manhandled my cheese. I grabbed that fucker and scraped off as much of the godforsaken crust as I could. Only then did I actually get to enjoy it without fear of my tongue being turned to ash.

This is one of those things you would buy if you were putting together some fancy-ass cheeseboard at a dinner party you’re hosting to fool yourself and your friends into thinking you’re some sort of upper-class twat.

“Oh Deborah darling do try the peppercorn cheese… it’ll blow your fuckin tits off.”

I think the fuck not. There are peppercorns in my teeth that will be there til I die.

However, I will say that despite the satanic crust the cheese itself is top notch. It would be awesome if Tesco released a range of new cheeses based on this style to add a bit more variety to their already kick-ass free from aisle. It’s one of the few cheeses on their shelves that I would confidently say you could feed an omni with next to no complaints or comments about “real cheese” (seriously, fucking spare me).

So, it’s a bit of a tough one to score this week, so I’m gonna go on the average of how impressive the cheese is and how much peppercorn related regret I have.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Tesco

 

 

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Rocky Road Bites

20170924_200036

Contains: palm oil, soy

Free from: nuts, wheat

I bloody love rocky road. I don’t give a fuck about you sultana-hating purists, rocky road is the shit and I will fight you. The worst part about most free-from rocky road bites is that they are sneakily non-vegan. Seriously, why the fuck would you go to all that effort to make something gluten free, egg free, AND dairy free to then be like “LOL they still got gelatin in ’em tho”. It’s a sick and cruel joke.

FORTUNATELY the ever-reliable Tesco decided to not be sick and cruel bastards and bestowed upon us a tiny tub of terrible tarmac goodness (get it? Terrible tarmac… Rocky road… Is this thing on…?).

The downside: it costs £3 for about 12 mini bites. That is like 6 normal human bites and 4 “G is menstruating and determined” bites. Not exactly value for money…

The upside: RICH AND GOOEY CHOCOLATEY GOODNESS INTERSPERSED WITH CRUNCHY BISCUIT, SULTANAS, AND SQUIDGY MARSHMALLOW.

20170924_200219

That’s a pretty big upside if you ask me. So if you have £3 to burn or are in a desperate pit of chocolate-deprived despair, these bite-sized bastards are the tub to tuck into.

Importantly, the chocolate is an easy pass for any omni, so if you feel like 12 tiny bites are just too much for your (weak ass) self to handle you can rest assured that you can share a tub with all your pals.

Or alternatively, get them to try one and realise how fucking good they are… then proceed to eat the rest of the tub in front of them like the rocky road gremlin you are.

Your choice…

  • My Rating – 5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 5/5

Find this product at: Tesco

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Mac and Cheese

20170919_140456

Contains: soy

Free From: wheat, palm oil, nuts

I fucking LOVE mac and cheese. Do you know how long I waited for this shit to hit the shelves?! I grew up on Kraft mac, that real fine shit from a cardboard box, so to be able to have nutritionally lacking quick-cook cheesy goodness back in my life got me all kinds of excited.

As with any ready meal, you feel like a goddamn failure at life with every stab of the plastic film before you pop your culinary delight in the microwave. But it’s okay, because Tesco has gotten real fuckin fancy and thrown some parsley on that shit. So, clearly, not everything in your life has gone to crap because your dinner has some foliage tossed upon it.

20170919_140824

My first question is: what the FUCK? Why is it so watery?!

Kraft mac and cheese was so thick and gooey it was basically a heart attack in a bowl. THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE COULDN’T EVEN BRING ON A BIT OF LIGHT CHEST PAIN.

If I’m gonna spend £3 on a mac and cheese ready meal I at least want it to be so cheesy I regret it.

Once I stopped being dramatic, I gave it a good stir and a long, hard stare and then tucked in (the stare was necessary, I didn’t know if I could trust this weak-ass attempt at comfort food).

It’s fine.

Like, that’s it.

It’s fine.

It’s definitely not thick or cheesy enough, the pasta is noticeably gluten free (sorry celiacs, that’s not a good thing), and it’s weirdly peppery. It’s totally edible, but one of those ready meals that makes your soul a little sad.

It was like going on a date with someone who is really attractive on paper, but then when you meet them they’re the kind of person to argue that – while they totally wouldn’t vote for him themselves – there are some merits of wotsit Hitler being President of the United States.

Yeah, sorry, there won’t be a second date.

  • My Rating – 2.5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 2.5/5
  • Overall – 2.5/5

Find this product at: Tesco

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Millionaire’s Dessert

20170630_231703.jpg

Contains: palm oil, soya 

Free from: nuts, wheat

I SAID I WAS DONE WITH TESCO’S CHILLED DESSERTS. WELL, GUESS WHAT. I FUCKING LIED.

And you know what?

I’M GLAD I DID.

I have pretty much hated all the chilled desserts Tesco have pumped out because they all taste overwhelmingly of coconut and that shit does not fly with me.

THIS, however, is a game changer.

20170630_231737

It doesn’t look like much, but this NON-COCONUTTY coconut-based dessert is rich, smooth, and has the perfect chocolate:biscuit:caramel ratio. The top layer of dark chocolate mousse is dense enough to make you feel like you didn’t pay £1.50 for three unsatisfying spoonfuls of pudding, but light enough that you forget that ONE POT CONTAINS 59% OF YOUR DAILY SATURATES (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). FIFTY FUCKING NINE. I know we’re the Junkfood Punks but WHAT THE HELL, TESCO?!

The biscuit layer is exactly the same as that of Tesco’s Free-From Cheesecake. It is still that weak, crumbly chaos we have come to expect; the difference here is that because it isn’t supposedly a weight-bearing “base” you can look past its structural insufficiencies and just enjoy the flaky shortbread as it is.

At the very bottom of this child-size pot you’ll find the salted caramel sauce. It’s alright.

…

Seriously the caramel sauce is just kinda… caramel sauce. Like, great, you remembered to put it in AND it doesn’t taste like coconut but I’m not giving you a round of applause for something painfully average. It’s not quite as “luxurious” and “indulgent” as Tesco’s marketing team would have you believe.

All in all, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised and actually really enjoyed this dessert. Nice one, Tesco. But still, at £1.50 a pot and with 59% of my daily saturates in one serving, I think I’ll just skip dessert and go straight to the wine instead.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Tesco.

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Rice Pudding with Strawberry

20170602_155506

Free from: gluten, nuts, palm oil, soy

Let’s get one thing straight: I am so fucking done with Tesco’s dairy-alternative desserts.

Why am I so done? THEY ALL. TASTE. LIKE GODDAMN. COCONUT.

I feel like I’ve said this a million times. It’s like they bulk-bought a dick tonne of coconut milk and went “ah crap, how are we gonna get through all of this?!” then some genius in marketing suggested they make a range of refrigerated dairy-free desserts out of it, but no one stopped to check that each individual dessert actually tasted like it was supposed to.

THIS IS NOT RICE PUDDING AS YOU KNOW IT.

It is not creamy, but clumpy. Instead of a smooth homey dessert with soft grains of rice scattered through each spoonful, it’s more like “one lump or two?” and you can bet your ass there won’t be any other flavour than goddamn coconut.

Clearly, this is why the strawberry compote exists.

Hiding at the bottom of the barrel, lumpy and lurking, waiting for your spoon to dive deep enough to catch some and cut the awful taste of the rice pudding with what one would expect to be a sweet berry relief…

Nope. The compote or whatever the hell it is they pumped in there before slopping the pudding on top is just as dull as the rest of it.

I feel betrayed to be honest. I thought the strawberry could save it. It was at this point I lost all hope.

My serving suggestion for this dessert? Throw it in the fucking bin.

That’s £1.25 and five minutes of my life that I’m never getting back.

  • My Rating: 0/5
  • Omnivore Score: 0/5
  • Overall: 0/5

Find this product at Tesco, but for fucks sake don’t buy it.

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Blue Cheese

IMG_0419

Contains: soy

Free From: gluten, nuts, palm oil

Back when I was a little kid I was a cheese FIEND. My mum would have to tear my away from the cheese counter free samples before I managed to consume my tiny body weight in dairy products (she did feed me, I promise). So naturally, kicking the cheese craving was the hardest part of me going vegan.

Blue cheese was something I NEVER thought I’d be able to enjoy again, purely because it seemed completely unreasonable to expect any company to be able to perfect the creamy, tangy, and downright STANKY hunk of blue I knew and loved.

Tesco has fucking NAILED IT.

IMG_0420

LOOK AT THIS GOD DAMN GORGEOUS WEDGE OF MOULDY GLORY.

Blue cheese isn’t for everyone (Ryan hates the stuff) but this is such a good imitation of the real deal. It is smooth, creamy, tangy… all the things you need in a block of blue. Sure if we’re being pedantic the “mould” is blotchy rather than veiny but COME ON.

I ate this thing crumbled in a salad, sliced onto crackers, melted onto a proper good ‘n dirty burger… I even ate this by its damn self because THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS. AND IT’S ONLY £2.50!

I am not a religious woman… but put this thing on a pedestal because I am ready to worship.

  • My Rating: 5/5
  • Omnivore Score: 4.5/5
  • Overall: 5/5

Find this product at: Tesco

by georgiamadness