Tesco Free-From Rocky Road Bites

20170924_200036

Contains: palm oil, soy

Free from: nuts, wheat

I bloody love rocky road. I don’t give a fuck about you sultana-hating purists, rocky road is the shit and I will fight you. The worst part about most free-from rocky road bites is that they are sneakily non-vegan. Seriously, why the fuck would you go to all that effort to make something gluten free, egg free, AND dairy free to then be like “LOL they still got gelatin in ’em tho”. It’s a sick and cruel joke.

FORTUNATELY the ever-reliable Tesco decided to not be sick and cruel bastards and bestowed upon us a tiny tub of terrible tarmac goodness (get it? Terrible tarmac… Rocky road… Is this thing on…?).

The downside: it costs £3 for about 12 mini bites. That is like 6 normal human bites and 4 “G is menstruating and determined” bites. Not exactly value for money…

The upside: RICH AND GOOEY CHOCOLATEY GOODNESS INTERSPERSED WITH CRUNCHY BISCUIT, SULTANAS, AND SQUIDGY MARSHMALLOW.

20170924_200219

That’s a pretty big upside if you ask me. So if you have £3 to burn or are in a desperate pit of chocolate-deprived despair, these bite-sized bastards are the tub to tuck into.

Importantly, the chocolate is an easy pass for any omni, so if you feel like 12 tiny bites are just too much for your (weak ass) self to handle you can rest assured that you can share a tub with all your pals.

Or alternatively, get them to try one and realise how fucking good they are… then proceed to eat the rest of the tub in front of them like the rocky road gremlin you are.

Your choice…

  • My Rating – 5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 5/5

Find this product at: Tesco

Tesco Free-From Mac and Cheese

20170919_140456

Contains: soy

Free From: wheat, palm oil, nuts

I fucking LOVE mac and cheese. Do you know how long I waited for this shit to hit the shelves?! I grew up on Kraft mac, that real fine shit from a cardboard box, so to be able to have nutritionally lacking quick-cook cheesy goodness back in my life got me all kinds of excited.

As with any ready meal, you feel like a goddamn failure at life with every stab of the plastic film before you pop your culinary delight in the microwave. But it’s okay, because Tesco has gotten real fuckin fancy and thrown some parsley on that shit. So, clearly, not everything in your life has gone to crap because your dinner has some foliage tossed upon it.

20170919_140824

My first question is: what the FUCK? Why is it so watery?!

Kraft mac and cheese was so thick and gooey it was basically a heart attack in a bowl. THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE COULDN’T EVEN BRING ON A BIT OF LIGHT CHEST PAIN.

If I’m gonna spend £3 on a mac and cheese ready meal I at least want it to be so cheesy I regret it.

Once I stopped being dramatic, I gave it a good stir and a long, hard stare and then tucked in (the stare was necessary, I didn’t know if I could trust this weak-ass attempt at comfort food).

It’s fine.

Like, that’s it.

It’s fine.

It’s definitely not thick or cheesy enough, the pasta is noticeably gluten free (sorry celiacs, that’s not a good thing), and it’s weirdly peppery. It’s totally edible, but one of those ready meals that makes your soul a little sad.

It was like going on a date with someone who is really attractive on paper, but then when you meet them they’re the kind of person to argue that – while they totally wouldn’t vote for him themselves – there are some merits of wotsit Hitler being President of the United States.

Yeah, sorry, there won’t be a second date.

  • My Rating – 2.5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 2.5/5
  • Overall – 2.5/5

Find this product at: Tesco

FOOD FOR TOOTHLESS VEGAN

SEND HELP I AM REALLY FUCKING HIGH AND THERE ARE LESS THEETH IN MY SKULL.

WHAT AM I GOING TO EAT????

FUCKING  JELLY AND ICECREAM MOTHERFUCKERS.

Snapchat-1309214652
Don’t do drugs, children

STEP ONE: Swedish Glace Vanilla. 2 scoops.

STEP THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN BEFORE ONE: Two pots of Hartley’s raspberry jelly, chopped up into a bowl.

Throw that shit together, things are about to get delcisious.

If you, like me, h\ve ever had your wisdom teeth out then you know. Yknow? yes.

Gotta be all the soft. Very cold. MMM ice ice baby.

Jelly? 10/10. So wibbly. So wobbly. So raspberry. No dead cow bones yay thank you.

Ice cream? fucking YEAH. Smooth vanillary vanillaness super smooth and cold. Fuck yo cow milk. just. FUCK IT. WE DON”T NEED YOU. *HUGS TUB OF SWEDISH GLACE AND POSSIBLY ASKS FOR ITS HAND IN MARRIAGE*

  • My Rating: 10/10
  • Omnivore Score: yes
  • Overall: my face hurts

Goupie Chocolate Boxes

20170909_140056

Contains: most chocolates contain gluten and soya, some contain nuts.

The worst thing about going vegan 2 and a half years ago was not being able to pick up anything better than a ridiculously dark bar of chocolate from a supermarket when those Cadbury cravings hit. Seriously, have you tried some of that shit? It’s fucking rank.

Being able to get seriously fucking good chocolate delivered to your door is basically my version of heaven (which is good, because that is one place I will definitely not be going). Goupie chocolates taste really luxurious; they’re chewy and have rice crispie style pieces and bits of biscuit to give it a bit of crunch too. It’s literally everything I have ever wanted in a little bite-sized chocolate triangle.

At one point, anyone who came into my room must have thought I was stockpiling for some kind of terrible cocoa shortage because on my bedside table alone I had three boxes – each a different flavour – stacked up ready to be demolished on a midnight rampage.

That’s another thing that’s fucking awesome about Goupie chocolates. They aren’t a vegan company, but they make loads of different flavours that are suitable for vegans and the packaging is clearly labelled (though on the website it’s a little bit confusing… sort it out m8).

I have force-fed these chocolates to omnis and they actually enjoyed them. I live in constant fear that my sister is going to diminish my stash while I’m out of the house, that’s how fucking awesome they are.

Price wise you’re looking at £4 for a big box or £2 for a little baby-size box. To put it in perspective: a baby box can be destroyed in one sitting. A big box will keep you going a little longer.

Seriously, fuck all other vegan chocolate. Goupie reigns supreme for range of flavours, taste, texture, and cute as fuck packaging.

  • My Rating – 5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 5/5

Find Goupie products using the stockist finder: https://goupie.co.uk/stockists/

Punk on the Road: Amsterdam Edition

20170812_140839.jpg

We all know why you’re thinking of travelling to Dam… for the museums, architecture, and some good old canal tours. So to fuel you through all that sightseeing – because obviously that’ll work up an appetite… some may say it’ll give you the munchies – I’ve hunted down some awesome vegan food joints (joint? what? me? NEVER.) for you to enjoy while visiting one of the most goddamn beautiful cities in the world, and reviewed my top three favourites.

Dophert – Spaarndammerstraat 49-H, 1013 ST Amsterdam

 

Dophert is a cute little cafe near Westerpark. It’s 100% vegan and 100% worth travelling to even if it’s out of your way because they serve up some DAMN FINE food. I struggled to find a decent vegan breakfast in Dam until making the pilgrimage to Dophert.

Stacked blueberry pancakes with agave syrup: These pancakes were fluffy and filling and perfectly golden in colour. It definitely would have been better with more fruit in and around the pancakes, and personally I prefer maple syrup over agave, but overall this sweet sticky stack of pancakey goodness was fucking ace and I actually struggled to finish the whole thing.

The Ultimate Classic Chocolate Milkshake: Let me being by stating a shocking fact: I have not had whipped cream since going vegan 2 and a half years ago. So understandably, I lost my fucking SHIT when this bad boy was put in front of me. It was like something out of a 1950’s American Diner – it was fucking beautiful and chocolatey, piled high with whipped cream, and it even had a goddamn maraschino cherry on top (which I was way too excited about and ate before taking a photo…). And – of fucking course – it tasted as good as it looked.

No-Tuna Sandwich: Breakfast was so good at Dophert I returned for an early lunch the next day. Being too much of a lazy sack of crap, I have never attempted chickpea tuna myself. Dophert’s take on it was good but not quite as fishy as I expected, and to be honest the colour really threw me off. But that didn’t matter as it had thick crusty bread and some nice salady shit to pull it all together, making it overall a decent choice.

Vegan Junk Food Bar – Staringplein 22, 1054 VL Amsterdam

 

The VJFB is near Vondelpark – which you should totally check out, btw – and has been causing a storm on social media. I mean, fucking obviously! Just look at that monstrous burger!

Original VJFB Burger: Hands down the best “beef” patty I’ve ever had. It was thick, juicy and the perfect texture. It came on a soft seeded bun, with shitloads of salad and THREE types of onions on top – crispy, red, and spring – which was all fucking ace but did not make for a structurally sound burger. Be prepared to go a little bit she-wolf while shovelling this beauty into your gob. The cheese, THE FUCKING CHEESE, ugh it was so gooey and amazing… that and the sauce really pulled the whole thing together and made it one of the most omni-friendly burgers I’ve tried.

Parm A San and Truffle Fries: Hooooooly fuck what do we have here?! In theory these should be the TITS but the overpowering truffle flavour and the fact that the “parmesan” is nooch makes it all a bit of a fucking calamity. Don’t get me wrong, it’s tasty but the overwhelming stench of truffle and nooch sticks around for a long-ass time…

Crunchy Golden Seaweed Nuggets: THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER PUT IN MY MOUTH (INCLUDING MULTIPLE EX-BOYFRIENDS). They’re crunchy on the outside, soft and fishy on the inside with a cod like meaty texture. The sea weed sauce is like tartar but BETTER and works perfectly and basically I would live off of this shit if I could.

Mediterranean Cheese Spring Rolls: My brain could not even comprehend what the fuck these were but my stomach was a big fan. Think mozzarella stick on the inside, spring roll on the outside… With the sweet chilli dip it’s like the weirdest but most fucking awesome fusion that really shouldn’t work but really fucking does.

Loaded VJFB Fries: Okay so at this point I’m thinking that fries may be the downfall of the VJFB. The “shawarma meat” is well spiced, and it tastes and feels like kebab meat. Good so far, right? TIME TO TEAR THE FUCKER DOWN. The whole thing was wayyy overloaded with sauce – we’re talking barely any non-soggy fries – and piled up with huge chunks of onions and jalapenos that made everything hard to get at. You don’t get to appreciate each element because it all mooshes into a soggy saucy calamity. Overall it was a pretty sloppy mess.

The Dutch Weed Burger Joint – Nicolaas Beetsstraat 47, 1053 RJ Amsterdam

 

The Dutch Weed Burger Joint is also near Vondelpark, and based all around the use of sea weed and algae as ingredients in their kick-ass vegan junk food. Yeah, you heard. SEA weed. So don’t get your stoner hopes up.

The Dutch Weed Burger: Very different from the VJFB burger but so damn good in it’s own way. The burger was juicy, full of flavour and tears apart in a way similar to pulled pork. It’s rounded off with a decent amount of salad and the best fucking sauce you will ever have, all resting between a green-tinged bun. It holds its shape, it’s a decent size, and there’s no cheese but that’s because it doesn’t need it to be a fucking awesome burger. Less omni friendly than the VJFB burger for sure, but still meaty enough. It’s just the pale and shredded texture of the burger that gives away the game.

Large Fries:  HOLY FUCKING SHIT THESE ARE AMAZING FRIES. Seriously, the best fries I’ve ever had. Granted they are inexplicably tiny in size but they are just perfect in every other way. Dipping them in the weed garlic sauce transports you to a place where Nazis aren’t taking over the US and everyone on earth gets a free puppy.

Weed Garlic Sauce: This sauce. Holy crap. It’s mayonaisey, flecked with sea weed and has a punchy garlic taste that isn’t overpowering. It doesn’t sound much but try it yourself and you’ll fucking see that this shit cannot be missed.

So, there ya go: a little taste of Amsterdam done vegan. Go on… book your flight, get some Euros, and tell your mum you’re going for the “cultural experience”. Good luck finding a vegan space cake though…

G x

GranoVita Organic Herb Pâté

pate herby

Contains: “sustainable” palm oil, nuts, soy

Free from: wheat

You know shit’s fucked up when shoving a tube down the throat of an animal to fatten up its liver to be blended up and spread on toast is seen as a reasonable means of providing a staple food product to a middle class household.

Yeah, I used to eat that shit. And it took me a while to realise that if you have to stop yourself thinking about what your food really is to be able to put it in your mouth and swallow then MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, you shouldn’t fucking eat it.

So, while it took me a while to get into veggie pâté, I have some strong feelings about why everyone – duck stuffers included – should shut the fuck up and embrace it with open arms (and mouths).

cracker 2

GranoVita’s pâté is thick without being chunky, packed full of bomb-ass herbs without the feeling of grazing on your front lawn, and it’s got a nice mild but distinct taste that doesn’t punch you in the mouth with garlic.

The downside: the bastard fucking thing is IMPOSSIBLE to get out of the tube. I had to go on Tinder and look back at the wildly inappropriate and sexually aggressive messages I’d received from thirsty fuckboys to fuel myself with enough rage to Hulk-smash the tube into submission. And when you do get it out of the tube, it looks a little bit like bird shit (ah, sweet irony). One tube costs around £2.75 which is pretty reasonable for the amount you get plus the added workout plan…

My advice: ignore the appearance and the fact you broke a sweat trying to access your afternoon snack, grab your crackers, and enjoy feeling like a middle class housewife nibbling on leftover hors d’oeuvres from your most recent dinner party.

Look, this pâté isn’t supposed to pretend to be the blended up organ of a dead bird. It is very obviously a veggie pâté, BUT that doesn’t mean omnis can’t enjoy it. And if they slag it off because it’s “weird vegan shit” just remind them that eating plants is way less fucked up than their weird carnist shit.

Alternatively, punch them in the jaw and don’t invite them round for fancy-ass food ever again.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Holland and Barrett, other health/alternative food stores

GranoVita Mock Duck

20170724_194609

Contains: wheat, soy

Free from: nuts, palm oil

When I opened my can of mock duck, I experienced a feeling of complete and utter repulsion that until this day I thought would be reserved for the unlikely event of Boris Johnson dropping his trousers and sexually propositioning me.

Splaying the clammy, flesh-toned”meat” on my kitchen counter and being faced with lumps, bumps, and questionable smells reinforced my feeling that this situation was going to be equally as nauseating as a face-first experience with whatever is concealed under BoJo’s Calvins.

20170724_195312.jpg
“Hey babe, come here often?”

This shit is way too realistic in texture and appearance for me. It made my stomach turn. A duck may not have died for this, but a piece of my fucking soul definitely did.

BUT because I am obviously hardcore as fuck and because science, I tried a piece before cooking it (which according to the tin is a totally recommended serving suggestion).

Here’s my serving suggestion: DON’T.

Eating it cold is like a physical representation of the feeling you get when you find out Trump is president or the UK voted to “leave”… it’s sad, sickening, and hard to swallow. Fortunately, unlike the American or British public, mock duck managed to turn it around and not be a complete fucking tragedy.

20170724_195957

Once you get past wanting to hurl while you pull apart the larger pieces into shreds, the mock duck is fucking delightful.

It browns up really nicely in a wok and takes on the flavour of whatever you cook it in. I went for soy sauce, agave, garlic and sesame seeds and chucked it all on some wheat noodles, which tasted pretty damn good for a 5 minute fuck around in the kitchen.

It tastes good, but you definitely couldn’t fool an omni with this. The texture is good but not a perfect imitation and the flavour of the “meat” alone gives it away. At £2 for two VERY small portions it’s not worth getting into the whole “murder tastes better” debate.

WhatsApp Image 2017-08-16 at 12.51.22

  • My Rating – 3.5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 0/5
  • Overall – 3.5/5

Find this product at: Holland and Barrett, and other health/alternative food stores.

Tesco Free-From Millionaire’s Dessert

20170630_231703.jpg

Contains: palm oil, soya 

Free from: nuts, wheat

I SAID I WAS DONE WITH TESCO’S CHILLED DESSERTS. WELL, GUESS WHAT. I FUCKING LIED.

And you know what?

I’M GLAD I DID.

I have pretty much hated all the chilled desserts Tesco have pumped out because they all taste overwhelmingly of coconut and that shit does not fly with me.

THIS, however, is a game changer.

20170630_231737

It doesn’t look like much, but this NON-COCONUTTY coconut-based dessert is rich, smooth, and has the perfect chocolate:biscuit:caramel ratio. The top layer of dark chocolate mousse is dense enough to make you feel like you didn’t pay £1.50 for three unsatisfying spoonfuls of pudding, but light enough that you forget that ONE POT CONTAINS 59% OF YOUR DAILY SATURATES (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). FIFTY FUCKING NINE. I know we’re the Junkfood Punks but WHAT THE HELL, TESCO?!

The biscuit layer is exactly the same as that of Tesco’s Free-From Cheesecake. It is still that weak, crumbly chaos we have come to expect; the difference here is that because it isn’t supposedly a weight-bearing “base” you can look past its structural insufficiencies and just enjoy the flaky shortbread as it is.

At the very bottom of this child-size pot you’ll find the salted caramel sauce. It’s alright.

Seriously the caramel sauce is just kinda… caramel sauce. Like, great, you remembered to put it in AND it doesn’t taste like coconut but I’m not giving you a round of applause for something painfully average. It’s not quite as “luxurious” and “indulgent” as Tesco’s marketing team would have you believe.

All in all, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised and actually really enjoyed this dessert. Nice one, Tesco. But still, at £1.50 a pot and with 59% of my daily saturates in one serving, I think I’ll just skip dessert and go straight to the wine instead.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Tesco.

Linda McCartney Mini Pork & Apple Sausage Rolls

20170709_103311.jpg

Contains: palm oil, wheat, soya

Free From: nuts

My Nana always makes sausage rolls from scratch EVERY YEAR for Christmas. It’s her thing, along with guilting me for being vegan and not eating her sausage rolls that she made from scratch specially for Christmas.

Personally, I don’t believe that sausage rolls should be restricted to being a once-a-year, special occasion snack food. Sausage rolls are pretty much the backbone of British food culture; try and name a single town here that doesn’t have  a Gregg’s trying to flog mashed up pig wrapped in flaky pastry.

These little Linda sausage rolls are bite-sized and beautiful. Easy to cook, easy to eat, less easy to stop yourself eating half the packet…

20170712_184818.jpg

Brushing the rolls with a milk alternative is a must to give it a golden, buttery look and taste. I used Alpro Soya Light and it worked like a charm. If you manage to not shove a whole roll in your mouth and you actually take a human sized bite, you’ll notice that good god DAMN this is some flaky pastry. This shit is PERFECTION. What is even the point in eating sausage rolls if you don’t end up with pastry flakes all over you, alerting everyone in the vicinity that:

A) There are sausage rolls near by, and

B) You have no shame.

The filling is good but to be honest I was expecting a little more sweetness from the apple, and that’s where these fall a bit flat for me. The texture of the filling is great and holds its form when you bite into it, and it tastes a hell of a lot like classic pork stuffing which means omnis probably wouldn’t notice a difference between your standard cheap sausage roll bites.

Being an absolute trash human, my solution for any mildly disappointing food is to squeeze a fuck tonne of ketchup all over that shit. It definitely improved my opinion of these sausage rolls seeing as I went on to eat another five, all smothered in tomatoey sugary goodness.

In the name of equality, I also tried them out with HP brown sauce, as my Nana would argue that putting ketchup on a sausage roll is like showing up to Christmas dinner one year having shaved half of your head (i.e. “what the fuck have you done you have RUINED CHRISTMAS”*).

(Sorry Nana)

FYI brown sauce works just fine too…

Overall these mini sausage rolls are the perfect party food as you can guarantee they’ll all be eaten with pretty much no complaining, but they’re also no show-stopper and are kinda forgettable.

  • My Score – 3/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 3.5/5

Find this product at: most supermarkets and some alternative food stores.

*not an exact quote

Tesco Free-From Rice Pudding with Strawberry

20170602_155506

Free from: gluten, nuts, palm oil, soy

Let’s get one thing straight: I am so fucking done with Tesco’s dairy-alternative desserts.

Why am I so done? THEY ALL. TASTE. LIKE GODDAMN. COCONUT.

I feel like I’ve said this a million times. It’s like they bulk-bought a dick tonne of coconut milk and went “ah crap, how are we gonna get through all of this?!” then some genius in marketing suggested they make a range of refrigerated dairy-free desserts out of it, but no one stopped to check that each individual dessert actually tasted like it was supposed to.

THIS IS NOT RICE PUDDING AS YOU KNOW IT.

It is not creamy, but clumpy. Instead of a smooth homey dessert with soft grains of rice scattered through each spoonful, it’s more like “one lump or two?” and you can bet your ass there won’t be any other flavour than goddamn coconut.

Clearly, this is why the strawberry compote exists.

Hiding at the bottom of the barrel, lumpy and lurking, waiting for your spoon to dive deep enough to catch some and cut the awful taste of the rice pudding with what one would expect to be a sweet berry relief…

Nope. The compote or whatever the hell it is they pumped in there before slopping the pudding on top is just as dull as the rest of it.

I feel betrayed to be honest. I thought the strawberry could save it. It was at this point I lost all hope.

My serving suggestion for this dessert? Throw it in the fucking bin.

That’s £1.25 and five minutes of my life that I’m never getting back.

  • My Rating: 0/5
  • Omnivore Score: 0/5
  • Overall: 0/5

Find this product at Tesco, but for fucks sake don’t buy it.