Tag: gluten free

Gosh! Beetroot, Kale, and Quinoa Burgers

20180327_120208

Free From: soy, nuts, palm oil, gluten

We just had a heatwave here in the UK which obviously meant every fucker and his mother had their tops off, beers cooling, and BBQs out.

We’ve already covered a lot of burgers and sausages since we started JFP, but it seems like 2018 is the Year of the Vegan because you can’t go up the shops without another goddamn veggie burger staring at you from the Free From fridge.

Ryan is a man who likes his burgers busting with veggies and beans. I myself prefer a dirty, greasy, fake-meaty burger that makes my arteries get a little worried. So we really didn’t know which one of us should review this burger from Gosh considering it looks like a meat patty… but it definitely does not claim to be trying to emulate any form of mashed up animal (yum yum).

I stepped up and took the beetroot burger bullet, hoping and praying that it wouldn’t be as shit as most other “healthy” burgers that I’ve subjected myself to.

20180327_122731

Stage one: remove from packaging. So far so good… it looks kinda like a meaty burger because of the pink from the beetroot and the squishy-but-nubbly texture (why don’t I work in marketing? It’s honestly a mystery).

Let’s be fucking clear: that’s where the likeness to a good honest burger ends.

Even before cooking these little pink lumps the smell of mint is over-fucking-powering. It kinda took me back to when my dad would buy “gourmet” burgers from Waitrose (because we are painfully middle-class) that were made with lamb and rammed with spices to make them distinct from your bog-standard poor-people quarter-pounders.

Totally echoing Ryan’s rant in his last post here – but they took TWENTY MINUTES to cook in the oven. TWENTY. And there’s no quick option to fry them or stick them on a BBQ (because you’d be stood there like a goddamn fool watching your burger disintegrate between the grill and into the fucking flames thank to their crap structural integrity). So you have to sit and suffer waiting by the oven, only to be cripplingly disappointed when they aren’t even fucking cooked through after the full time.

20180327_124944

If these burgers were made of meat, they’d be a fucking health hazard. Or, in the eternal words of Gordon Ramsay:

gordon ramsay

This was so gross to eat. It had a bizarre dry shell which barely held together the completely soggy inside. Irritatingly, they actually tasted quite nice. Mint is the dominant flavour so it would be better with some kind of yoghurt dip rather than ketchup, which is just way to bougie for a basic BBQ in my opinion.

It wouldn’t matter if this was the best bizarro mint burger I had ever put in my mouth, because the texture was so disgusting I would struggle to bring myself to get over that for the flavour alone. Honestly, think raw minced meat. Yeah. Not exactly going to appeal to the vegan demographic, is it…

Don’t feed this to your vegan friends. Don’t feed this to your omni friends. If you feed this to anyone, you will not have any friends left.

 

Let’s rate this fucking catastrophe, shall we?

  • My Rating – 1/5
  • Omnivore Score – 1/5
  • Overall – 1/5

Find this product at: most supermarkets (but please do yourself a favour and leave it there)

by georgiamadness

Fabulous Freefrom Factory Dairy Free Fudge

20180323_175526

Contains: soy

Free From: wheat, nuts, palm oil

Try say the title three times fast, I dare ya.

This product has been out in the world for a while now and I will admit I have had these a couple times, but long before Ryan and I became the JFP. I thought it’s about damn time I shared my thoughts on these bite-size, sugar-high-inducing treats.

Now I know my fudge. I’m not from Cornwall so I can’t claim to be an expert on the stuff but when I was an omni I was mad for it. I craved it. The best part of Christmas markets? The fudge stall. Long day at school? Tuck into a pack of Morrison’s own brand vanilla fudge (thanks mum xxx). Point being, I loved dairy fudge enough to be a pretty reliable source of whether or not vegan fudge stands up to the real deal.*

*for all the vegans who will scream at me “IF IT CONTAINS ANIMAL PRODUCTS THEN IT ISN’T FOOD SO IT ISN’T ‘THE REAL DEAL'” can I request you back the fuck off, have a chamomile tea, and ask yourself why you strive to cause no harm to animals and yet are such an asshole to other human beings. Thanks. 

AAAAAAANYWAY. Back to the fudge.

20180320_152524

Look at it. What a beauty.

They’re described on the packaging as “Crumbly, creamy, dreamy, velvety, bites”.

Let’s pick this apart, shall we?

Crumbly? Hell yeah.

Creamy? Fuck no.

Dreamy? Dream bigger, amigo.

Velvety? Oh hell yes.

Bites? Come on now, that’s obvious.

Look, let me be frank. They’re not gonna be creamy because they haven’t been made with cream. Not even non-dairy cream. That said, they do have a really fucking lovely crumbly, velvety texture so they melt in your mouth and are really bloody satisfying – especially with a cuppa.

They are very sugary. Like, a little bit sickly sweet. This is definitely a bit of an exercise in self control. One reviewer on the Sainsbury’s website may have described them as “like eating a cube of sugar” but that is some serious hyperbole; they may be sugary, but unless you have actually shoved a 1.5cm x 1.5cm brown sugar cube into your gob and let it sit and dissolve and slowly rot everything inside of you, then frankly you don’t have a leg to stand on with such grandiose statements. I should know, as I have done that.

If you’re like me (i.e. renowned for consuming an entire packet of any and all snacks at any given time) then definitely don’t shove three in your mouth at once on repeat until you want to be sick from the sugar hangover.

I subject myself to these things so you don’t have to.

Despite the more sugary taste compared to dairy fudge, they are still absolutely delicious and have that classic, subtly vanilla-ry “fudgy” taste about them. They also aren’t that expensive compared to (decent) dairy fudge, and you can find them at supermarkets as well as online so really I’d call this one a win. You could even give these to an omni no problem… unless they’re from the South-West of England and then you better give it a miss lest you insult their entire heritage.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Sainsbury’s, Morrisons, and online.

 

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Millionaire’s Dessert

20170630_231703.jpg

Contains: palm oil, soya 

Free from: nuts, wheat

I SAID I WAS DONE WITH TESCO’S CHILLED DESSERTS. WELL, GUESS WHAT. I FUCKING LIED.

And you know what?

I’M GLAD I DID.

I have pretty much hated all the chilled desserts Tesco have pumped out because they all taste overwhelmingly of coconut and that shit does not fly with me.

THIS, however, is a game changer.

20170630_231737

It doesn’t look like much, but this NON-COCONUTTY coconut-based dessert is rich, smooth, and has the perfect chocolate:biscuit:caramel ratio. The top layer of dark chocolate mousse is dense enough to make you feel like you didn’t pay £1.50 for three unsatisfying spoonfuls of pudding, but light enough that you forget that ONE POT CONTAINS 59% OF YOUR DAILY SATURATES (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). FIFTY FUCKING NINE. I know we’re the Junkfood Punks but WHAT THE HELL, TESCO?!

The biscuit layer is exactly the same as that of Tesco’s Free-From Cheesecake. It is still that weak, crumbly chaos we have come to expect; the difference here is that because it isn’t supposedly a weight-bearing “base” you can look past its structural insufficiencies and just enjoy the flaky shortbread as it is.

At the very bottom of this child-size pot you’ll find the salted caramel sauce. It’s alright.

…

Seriously the caramel sauce is just kinda… caramel sauce. Like, great, you remembered to put it in AND it doesn’t taste like coconut but I’m not giving you a round of applause for something painfully average. It’s not quite as “luxurious” and “indulgent” as Tesco’s marketing team would have you believe.

All in all, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised and actually really enjoyed this dessert. Nice one, Tesco. But still, at £1.50 a pot and with 59% of my daily saturates in one serving, I think I’ll just skip dessert and go straight to the wine instead.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Tesco.

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free From Garlic Dough Balls

doughballs

Contains: palm oil

Free From: nuts, gluten, soy

Everybody likes garlic dough balls. They’re like garlic bread, but without anyone having to punch a family member in the face in a fight to the death over who has to eat the crusty end piece.

SO. You can imagine my excitement when wandering the frozen aisle of Tesco I came across these purple-packaged beauties.

There are 9 dough balls in a pack. One serving size is 3 dough balls. Let’s get one thing cleared up REAL FAST: NO ONE ONLY EATS THREE DOUGH BALLS. I consumed 30% of my daily saturates in one sitting for you bastards, so you better appreciate this.

First things first, the cooking instructions say to bake until golden brown. The dough balls on the packet aren’t even golden brown, and when that oven timer went off I was not gonna piss around – I had eating to do.

balls of dough.jpg

Good god DAMN these things are garlicky and buttery and I think for a brief moment I fell in love. That was until I shoved a whole dough ball in my mouth and came to the disappointing realisation that the actual texture of the garlic butter was like damp herby nooch*.

As for the balls themselves (laugh it up, you filthy minded heathens), some were super soft and fluffy and basically heaven in your mouth… others were kinda chewy. These are not just straight up vegan dough balls by the way, they’re gluten free too. That’s possibly where this hit-and-miss texture comes from.

If I was hosting some kind of get together I would much rather cook some from scratch than serve these up. Yes you could feed them to your omni friends but they will for sure judge your lazy ass and then bang on about “real butter”. Spare me.

Overall, I wasn’t massively impressed with these Pizza Express wannabes. Yeah, they are huge and definitely not stingy with the garlic butter that’s for sure, but the chewiness and the fact that you won’t be able to hold a face to face conversation with anyone for the foreseeable future makes me think I won’t be having these again, even though they only cost £2.

  • My Rating: 2/5
  • Omnivore Score: 3/5
  • Overall: 2.5/5

Find these at: Tesco

 

*nutritional yeast flakes, for all of you who aren’t down with the kids.

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Blackcurrant Cheese Cakes

cheese-cake.jpg

Contains: palm oil

Free From: nuts, soy, gluten

“VEGAN CHEESECAKE?! Sign me the fuck up.” -me, in Tesco

“What in the HELL KIND OF SICK GAME ARE THEY PLAYING?!” -me, after eating this plastic cup of disappointment

This shit is not cheesecake. It is coconut pudding desperately masquerading as something that could maybe be perceived as cheesecake by someone who has never seen or tried cheesecake ever in their life.

cheeseless cake

THE BASE. This is not a biscuit base. This is a soft, flaky catastrophe. Theresa May would stay the hell away because this base sure ain’t strong and stable.

THE “CAKE”. What even are you doing, Tesco? Fuck off. Fuck off right now. You have made me SAD. This has in no way got the texture or tang of cheesecake. It was sweet as anything, and tasted of straight up coconut.

THE BLACKCURRANT COMPOTE. Okay yeah actually this bit was alright. Probably the saving grace of this whole monstrosity to be honest. Without the compote I would have abandoned all hope, but this made it bearable because it helped mask the overwhelming taste of coconut.

Look, this thing doesn’t taste bad by any means but it definitely does not taste like cheesecake. Tesco, just give it to us straight. Call it a “coconut dessert with blackcurrant compote” and I wouldn’t complain, because each element actually tastes quite good. Don’t be all deceiving with this “cheesecake” bullshit.

(The following scores are based on the fact that I spent £1.70 on NOT CHEESECAKE. MY HOPES AND DREAMS WERE CRUSHED.)

  • My Rating: 2/5
  • Omnivore Score: nope/5
  • Overall: 2/5

Find this product at: Tesco

by georgiamadness