Tag: burgers

Gosh! Beetroot, Kale, and Quinoa Burgers

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Free From: soy, nuts, palm oil, gluten

We just had a heatwave here in the UK which obviously meant every fucker and his mother had their tops off, beers cooling, and BBQs out.

We’ve already covered a lot of burgers and sausages since we started JFP, but it seems like 2018 is the Year of the Vegan because you can’t go up the shops without another goddamn veggie burger staring at you from the Free From fridge.

Ryan is a man who likes his burgers busting with veggies and beans. I myself prefer a dirty, greasy, fake-meaty burger that makes my arteries get a little worried. So we really didn’t know which one of us should review this burger from Gosh considering it looks like a meat patty… but it definitely does not claim to be trying to emulate any form of mashed up animal (yum yum).

I stepped up and took the beetroot burger bullet, hoping and praying that it wouldn’t be as shit as most other “healthy” burgers that I’ve subjected myself to.

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Stage one: remove from packaging. So far so good… it looks kinda like a meaty burger because of the pink from the beetroot and the squishy-but-nubbly texture (why don’t I work in marketing? It’s honestly a mystery).

Let’s be fucking clear: that’s where the likeness to a good honest burger ends.

Even before cooking these little pink lumps the smell of mint is over-fucking-powering. It kinda took me back to when my dad would buy “gourmet” burgers from Waitrose (because we are painfully middle-class) that were made with lamb and rammed with spices to make them distinct from your bog-standard poor-people quarter-pounders.

Totally echoing Ryan’s rant in his last post here – but they took TWENTY MINUTES to cook in the oven. TWENTY. And there’s no quick option to fry them or stick them on a BBQ (because you’d be stood there like a goddamn fool watching your burger disintegrate between the grill and into the fucking flames thank to their crap structural integrity). So you have to sit and suffer waiting by the oven, only to be cripplingly disappointed when they aren’t even fucking cooked through after the full time.

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If these burgers were made of meat, they’d be a fucking health hazard. Or, in the eternal words of Gordon Ramsay:

gordon ramsay

This was so gross to eat. It had a bizarre dry shell which barely held together the completely soggy inside. Irritatingly, they actually tasted quite nice. Mint is the dominant flavour so it would be better with some kind of yoghurt dip rather than ketchup, which is just way to bougie for a basic BBQ in my opinion.

It wouldn’t matter if this was the best bizarro mint burger I had ever put in my mouth, because the texture was so disgusting I would struggle to bring myself to get over that for the flavour alone. Honestly, think raw minced meat. Yeah. Not exactly going to appeal to the vegan demographic, is it…

Don’t feed this to your vegan friends. Don’t feed this to your omni friends. If you feed this to anyone, you will not have any friends left.

 

Let’s rate this fucking catastrophe, shall we?

  • My Rating – 1/5
  • Omnivore Score – 1/5
  • Overall – 1/5

Find this product at: most supermarkets (but please do yourself a favour and leave it there)

by georgiamadness

Punk on the Road: Amsterdam Edition

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We all know why you’re thinking of travelling to Dam… for the museums, architecture, and some good old canal tours. So to fuel you through all that sightseeing – because obviously that’ll work up an appetite… some may say it’ll give you the munchies – I’ve hunted down some awesome vegan food joints (joint? what? me? NEVER.) for you to enjoy while visiting one of the most goddamn beautiful cities in the world, and reviewed my top three favourites.

Dophert – Spaarndammerstraat 49-H, 1013 ST Amsterdam

 

Dophert is a cute little cafe near Westerpark. It’s 100% vegan and 100% worth travelling to even if it’s out of your way because they serve up some DAMN FINE food. I struggled to find a decent vegan breakfast in Dam until making the pilgrimage to Dophert.

Stacked blueberry pancakes with agave syrup: These pancakes were fluffy and filling and perfectly golden in colour. It definitely would have been better with more fruit in and around the pancakes, and personally I prefer maple syrup over agave, but overall this sweet sticky stack of pancakey goodness was fucking ace and I actually struggled to finish the whole thing.

The Ultimate Classic Chocolate Milkshake: Let me being by stating a shocking fact: I have not had whipped cream since going vegan 2 and a half years ago. So understandably, I lost my fucking SHIT when this bad boy was put in front of me. It was like something out of a 1950’s American Diner – it was fucking beautiful and chocolatey, piled high with whipped cream, and it even had a goddamn maraschino cherry on top (which I was way too excited about and ate before taking a photo…). And – of fucking course – it tasted as good as it looked.

No-Tuna Sandwich: Breakfast was so good at Dophert I returned for an early lunch the next day. Being too much of a lazy sack of crap, I have never attempted chickpea tuna myself. Dophert’s take on it was good but not quite as fishy as I expected, and to be honest the colour really threw me off. But that didn’t matter as it had thick crusty bread and some nice salady shit to pull it all together, making it overall a decent choice.

Vegan Junk Food Bar – Staringplein 22, 1054 VL Amsterdam

 

The VJFB is near Vondelpark – which you should totally check out, btw – and has been causing a storm on social media. I mean, fucking obviously! Just look at that monstrous burger!

Original VJFB Burger: Hands down the best “beef” patty I’ve ever had. It was thick, juicy and the perfect texture. It came on a soft seeded bun, with shitloads of salad and THREE types of onions on top – crispy, red, and spring – which was all fucking ace but did not make for a structurally sound burger. Be prepared to go a little bit she-wolf while shovelling this beauty into your gob. The cheese, THE FUCKING CHEESE, ugh it was so gooey and amazing… that and the sauce really pulled the whole thing together and made it one of the most omni-friendly burgers I’ve tried.

Parm A San and Truffle Fries: Hooooooly fuck what do we have here?! In theory these should be the TITS but the overpowering truffle flavour and the fact that the “parmesan” is nooch makes it all a bit of a fucking calamity. Don’t get me wrong, it’s tasty but the overwhelming stench of truffle and nooch sticks around for a long-ass time…

Crunchy Golden Seaweed Nuggets: THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER PUT IN MY MOUTH (INCLUDING MULTIPLE EX-BOYFRIENDS). They’re crunchy on the outside, soft and fishy on the inside with a cod like meaty texture. The sea weed sauce is like tartar but BETTER and works perfectly and basically I would live off of this shit if I could.

Mediterranean Cheese Spring Rolls: My brain could not even comprehend what the fuck these were but my stomach was a big fan. Think mozzarella stick on the inside, spring roll on the outside… With the sweet chilli dip it’s like the weirdest but most fucking awesome fusion that really shouldn’t work but really fucking does.

Loaded VJFB Fries: Okay so at this point I’m thinking that fries may be the downfall of the VJFB. The “shawarma meat” is well spiced, and it tastes and feels like kebab meat. Good so far, right? TIME TO TEAR THE FUCKER DOWN. The whole thing was wayyy overloaded with sauce – we’re talking barely any non-soggy fries – and piled up with huge chunks of onions and jalapenos that made everything hard to get at. You don’t get to appreciate each element because it all mooshes into a soggy saucy calamity. Overall it was a pretty sloppy mess.

The Dutch Weed Burger Joint – Nicolaas Beetsstraat 47, 1053 RJ Amsterdam

 

The Dutch Weed Burger Joint is also near Vondelpark, and based all around the use of sea weed and algae as ingredients in their kick-ass vegan junk food. Yeah, you heard. SEA weed. So don’t get your stoner hopes up.

The Dutch Weed Burger: Very different from the VJFB burger but so damn good in it’s own way. The burger was juicy, full of flavour and tears apart in a way similar to pulled pork. It’s rounded off with a decent amount of salad and the best fucking sauce you will ever have, all resting between a green-tinged bun. It holds its shape, it’s a decent size, and there’s no cheese but that’s because it doesn’t need it to be a fucking awesome burger. Less omni friendly than the VJFB burger for sure, but still meaty enough. It’s just the pale and shredded texture of the burger that gives away the game.

Large Fries:  HOLY FUCKING SHIT THESE ARE AMAZING FRIES. Seriously, the best fries I’ve ever had. Granted they are inexplicably tiny in size but they are just perfect in every other way. Dipping them in the weed garlic sauce transports you to a place where Nazis aren’t taking over the US and everyone on earth gets a free puppy.

Weed Garlic Sauce: This sauce. Holy crap. It’s mayonaisey, flecked with sea weed and has a punchy garlic taste that isn’t overpowering. It doesn’t sound much but try it yourself and you’ll fucking see that this shit cannot be missed.

So, there ya go: a little taste of Amsterdam done vegan. Go on… book your flight, get some Euros, and tell your mum you’re going for the “cultural experience”. Good luck finding a vegan space cake though…

G x

by georgiamadness