Gosh! Sweetcorn & Quinoa Bites



Free from: Nuts, Soya, Palm Oil, Wheat

Gosh! I honestly don’t quite know where to start with these ones. I’m also strangely uncomfortable with anything named “bites”… Bites of what? Sausage? Potato? Heroin? There’s just no telling really. For the purposes of reviews the only food I could think to compare it to is falafel but trust me when I say, it’s definitely fucking different. It’s also £2.50 for around 14 little balls which is pretty damn expensive for some almost falafel. One of the big draws I found with Gosh! though is that they’re “junk food” in a sense but their products are also made of healthy things like lentils, beans and peas (as well as guaranteed nut, soya and wheat free) so there’s definitely a place for them in the fridge if you’re weight watching but still want to eat (and we fucking do love to eat).


To Gosh’s credit, they don’t beat around the bush. The front of the packaging said “sweetcorn and quinoa bites with harissa and paprika”. What did I taste? Harissa, paprika and fuck all else. I mean, it’s great that they go together and actual flavour-wise it’s all works for that “Moroccan spiced” feel but it’s way too overpowering – like licking the floor of a Marrakech spice vendor. I tried them solo, I tried them in wraps and other foods but it honestly committed mass murder on the rest of my palate. Harissa and damn paprika with every bite, taking the joy out of literally every ingredient I threw at it to tone it down. It could probably work in a salad or something where you can space them out more ‘cause if any dish has more than three of these bastards bites (I definitely didn’t use the whole pack…) then just flush it. These little turds are as unforgiving as they are full of some great nutrition. Like I said earlier, a big plus for Gosh! is they do use some damn fine ingredients that actually do make me feel less shit about sticking a burger in the oven than say, reconstituted mushroom and mystery *cough* Quorn *cough*.


Texture is where this whole falafel comparison falls down. It’s got the right flavours and the inside doesn’t look so different but my god. They’re flaccid. They’re soft, they’re mushy and if you play with it enough it falls apart. I could probably get over the overpowering tastes to be honest (because it really isn’t that bad…) but the way its textured too makes it hard to have with a dish or by itself. You can’t try and pass them off as meatballs in a Bolognese because you’d suddenly be having a spaghetti and quinoa mash. Sandwich? You’re suddenly eating a strongly spiced pate on bread. Alone? Well… I can’t comment. I’m not that fucking crazy.

Where does that leave scores? Price? Eh, it could be cheaper but I guess if I’m going to be eating junk and knowing there’s some healthy stuff in there means I lay down an extra 50p every now and then, I’m not fussed. Omnivore score? Considering I can’t actually begin to compare it to something in the omni word, that’s not looking good. Would I buy it again? No. I’d still buy from Gosh! without a doubt but that specific product? Pass.

  • My Rating: 3/5
  • Omnivore Score: 0/5
  • Overall: 1.5/5

Find this product at: Tescos, Ocado and Morrisons.



New Roots Free the Goat Cheeze


Contains: nuts

Free From: palm oil, wheat, soy

Some of you may have heard the news – New Roots is coming to London!

For those of you who haven’t got a fucking clue what I’m on about, New Roots is a Swiss company that does fan-fucking-tastic nut based artisanal cheeses. They previewed at VegFest 2017 and it was the first stall I dragged my pal Yas to (I had already made it damn clear that my VegFest 2017 mission was to find and eat all of the cheese).

Their camembert has gone down as a bit of an urban legend because it is just that damn good, so for them to bring their stuff to Planet Organic stores is basically a fucking Godsend.

At VegFest I managed to snag one of their ricotta style goat cheeses, and I have had this draft sitting on the blog for basically 5 months now, hiding the cheesy goodness from you all, but back the fuck off, I am busy af.

Yes my food photography needs work but I was HUNGRY so FUCK OFF.

The “Free-the-Goat Cheeze” is one of the creamiest vegan cheeses you can try without it coming spreadable from a tub. It’s got that tang that is essential when you’re emulating goat cheese , and the texture has a light airiness about it that makes it a dead ringer for ricotta.

I am not even ashamed that I ate the entire thing in one evening, it was fucking phenomenal. If I can get my hands on everything New Roots has to offer then I can die happy.

I wish I hadn’t been such a greedy bitch and wolfed it all down like a cracker-wielding maniac, because one thing I have missed since going vegan is spinach and ricotta cannelloni/ravioli. I have no idea if attempting such a thing with New Roots’ cheese would even be a good idea, so don’t blame me if your dinner goes tits up and you’re left with a gooey carby mess… but I do wish I could’ve exercised at least the restraint of a five year old and attempted to make my long-lost favourite dish with this because it is such a good ricotta clone.

Now I have no idea what their pricing will be when they crash land in Planet Organic stores, but currently their online store sells the Free-the-Goat Cheeze for around £6.50 which, as artisanal vegan cheeses go, is pretty average. Yeah, it’s not your £2.50 Tesco vegan cheddar, but that’s because it is so much better.

My advice: Get your ass to Planet Organic, get ready to max out your credit card, buy one of everything from New Roots’ range, and have the damn best cheese feast of your life. Get swanky and throw it on a cheese board or just fork it straight into your mouth like the trash human you are. Either way, New Roots cheese will blow your mind.

  • My Rating – 5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 5/5
  • Overall – 5/5

Find this product online at http://www.newroots.ch or at Planet Organic stores in London.



Wicked Kitchen BBQ Butternut Mac


Contains: wheat, soya

Free From: nuts, palm oil

It’s no secret that I love mac and cheese more than life itself. I’ve already tried Tesco’s Free From Mac and Cheese and I was less than impressed. In fact, it fucking offended me. The bar was pretty damn low when I picked up Wicked Kitchen’s mac from my local Tesco, but literally anything could’ve surpassed the absolute shit show of the free-from monstrosity.

Maybe I’m just a purist when it comes to mac and cheese, but my first impression was that it was just TOO DAMN DRY. WHERE IS THE CHEESY SAUCE? This shit should be dripping, gooey, mouth watering. Instead it was kind of… clumpy? At least the pasta was cooked properly… Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t BAD, it just wasn’t GREAT. It still kicks the absolute ass of Tesco’s Free From mac and cheese, but that’s like trying to brag about beating a toddler in a fist fight.


The BBQ mushrooms were a bit of a saviour here. They really packed a punch flavour- wise which means the sauce was a bit overpowered. Not a bad thing, just something to consider if you’re expecting an oo-ey gooey cheesy party in your mouth. The BBQ mushrooms are the big flavour here, and even if (like me) you hate the texture of mushrooms, they are tasty enough to make you forget that cooked mushrooms feel like tiny chunky slugs in your mouth.

The red cabbage… I have so many questions. Most of them “why?”. They are peppery and actually quite tasty but why the sweet fuck are they slapped on top of my mac? Save this shit for a quinoa salad or some other healthy crap. I came here to eat pasta and carb the fuck up. Get that veg away from me.

Overall, this was filling, non-greasy, and better than your average ready meal. A non-vegan could eat it no problem, but I totally expect them to have the same cabbage qualms as I did.

It also cost FOUR FUCKING POUNDS. FOUR!!!! FOUR!!!!!!

Excuse me while I actually get off my ass and make my own mac and cheese from scratch because £4 is fucking extortionate.

  • My Rating – 3/5
  • Omnivore Score – 5/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Selected Tesco Stores

Violife Mediterranean Style Cheese



Free from: Nuts, Palm Oil, Wheat, Soya

What does cheese say when it looks in the mirror? Hallou-mi. HA, kill me now. Finally we’re trying the vegan alternative to what goes in to so damn many vegetarian dishes but quick disclaimer: it does not taste like halloumi. It’s not bad but we’ll come to that in a minute, first THE PRICE. It’s like £2.50 for two bread-slice sized sheets (or maybe bricks… they’re real sturdy slices of cheese) seems a bit steep but it’s not really something you would want to use in too many meals and to be honest, it’s not that much more expensive than the straight-from-the-cow stuff.

Before we discuss taste, I LOVE halloumi. If anyone’s familiar with its taste and texture, it’s me. This, Violife, is why I’m displeased with your cheese. I mean – 1. it came AS A BRICK 2. Look at it after grilling… now compare that to the real deal. WHAT are you trying to pull here Violife? It also smells a bit lardy when cooking (because who doesn’t love smelling like sizzling fat) but they’ve clearly gone for the squidgy and rubbery texture as it squeeks around your pan like the end of a pencil. Saying that, it doesn’t really translate to mouthfeel. It’s not at all the same as that greek goodness and is more like… congealed cheddar? Some soft, clumpy, gloopy, processed cheese? It’s not necessarily a bad texture but it’s definitely not fucking halloumi.

It also doesn’t taste right. Again, think of a stick of rich, mature (think OAP) cheddar that’s all coagulated and congealy – that’s exactly what you’ve bought. It’s not got that mouth-puckering saltiness to it either. So all in all, it sounds like Violife have done pretty feckin’ bad… except, they haven’t. It’s not necessarily an authentic mirror image of what it claims to be, it might not even be a good replacement in any dish that would require halloumi because it’s just that off but fuck me if it isn’t really moreish.

So, verdict?… Um. Maybe buy if you’re fancying a one-off to throw in a wrap but be warned that it probably would not work in a halloumi dish. Interesting to try but I doubt I’d ever buy again.

  • My Rating: 2/5
  • Omnivore Score: 1/5
  • Overall: 1.5/5

Find this product at: Sainsbury’s, Whole Foods, Ocado and other health stores


Wicked Kitchen Nana’s Mushroom Bolognese


Contains: wheat

Free From: nuts, soy, palm oil

Wicked Kitchen is making big waves in the vegansphere and for good reason – It’s a fucking blessing to have so much choice suddenly dropped into our laps. To find a vegan spagbol boxed up and ready to go makes me almost *almost* drop the resting bitch face and crack a smile right there in the ready meal aisle. For context, the last time I did that in Tesco a 55 year old man tried to chat me up, so this is no small thing.

It doesn’t look as impressive as their Muay Thai Curry but it smells incredible fresh out the microwave (just like Nana intended). It’s got a great texture, which I thought was impressive considering mushroom mince has always sounded like something that was destined to be a disappointment.


Work with me here and ignore the pathetic foliage smushed on top… The sauce is actually fucking awesome. It’s rich and flavoursome, and everything fits together perfectly to be a proper good hearty meal, which is way more than I thought I’d ever say in favour of a ready meal. Sad leaves aside, it ticks all the boxes for a classic bolognese that would only slightly insult everything an Italian grandmother stands for.

As I was tucking in (read: shovelling pasta into my mouth like a crazed woman) I had the shock of my fucking life when suddenly there were CARROT NOODLES IN MY MOUTH. CARROT. NOODLES. COODLES (?).

What. The. Fuck.

Okay I totally did not read the packaging properly… when it said “carrot” I thought it meant ittybitty chunks in the sauce not STEALTH COODLES LURKING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOX.

I feel personally attacked. Mostly because the coodles (I’m officially making this a thing) were basically raw. Raw veg is not my jam. We are the junkfood punks for a reason. Coodles are not that reason. On the other hand, the spinach was actually a nice addition. Possibly because it was fully cooked and completely expected. Fuck you, stealth veg.

Let’s wrap this up before the coodle rant gets out of hand (yes, this is me being restrained). Overall, this was filling and tasty and totally passable as an actual meal. Feed it to an omni and there will be minimal bitching, but the mushroom mince is by no means identical to meat mince so they will just have to accept the fact that an actual vegetable has entered their body. (The SHOCK, the HORROR!)

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Selected Tesco Stores

Wheaty Chorizo slices

Elephant2Contains: Wheat, Soya

Free from: Nuts, Palm Oil

MORE cold cuts! Chorizo slices this week because 1- I’ve never seen these on the shelves before and 2- apparently seitan is some kinda mega protein and actually real good for vegans. If you were gonna choose this chorizo for your seitanic needs though, just don’t. The fact it’s £2.50 for like 5 THIN bitch slices of what is, at best, a sandwich filler already puts it fairly low down my list.

Every time I’ve tried seitan, it’s always the same damn thing. I don’t know if I’m doing it wrong or if seitan is just not for me but I’ve always found it’s… soggy. It’s wet, it’s floppy and usually a bit chunky kinda like what damp bread feels like. This is essentially what Wheaty are offering. The slices are a little leathery (think like thin steak slice, not grandma’s purse) which does add a fair bit of texture, but other than that they’re kind of oily and very sloppy to handle… Which isn’t that far off from real chorizo I guess. It doesn’t suffer from feeling plastic like some other companies but it’s very clearly reconstituted bits and closer to dirt cheap abattoir salami than chorizo.

The main thing with chorizo is obviously the spice. It’s got a lil heat, a lil chilli oil a lil flavour, it’s pretty on point. Other than that though, there’s not really much there for flavour. Just a few drops of tobasco on a cheap wheat gluten discs, not worth the money and definitely not worth that “greasy mouth” aftertaste you get from a bad Chinese. 2/10, would not recommend.

Would I buy this again? Um, probably not. The price is one thing, the mouthful of nasty chip fat after is another and then the fact that there’s just not anything special about it all means it’s a no. And to answer the qualifying question, does this pass for real chorizo? Feck no.

  • My Rating: 1.5/5
  • Omnivore Score: 1/5
  • Overall: 2/5

Find this product at: Planet Organic, Whole Foods, Ocado and other health stores


Wicked Kitchen Muay Thai Curry Ready Meal


Contains: wheat

Free From: nuts, palm oil, soya

Let me just start by saying this: Holy shit, Tesco, you absolute babe.

Who would’ve thought we’d be kicking off 2018 with a tsunami of vegan ready meals and on-the-go foods flooding our supermarkets? I sure as shit didn’t, and when I heard about the 20 piece range from Wicked Kitchen that was being introduced in 600 Tesco stores across the nation, I had a teeny tiny orgasm.

Which means before I even tried any of their food, Wicked Kitchen was already doing way better than some previous gentlemen callers.


Muay Thai wasn’t the first ready meal I tried from Wicked Kitchen but I figured we should kick things off with hands down the best ready meal I have ever eaten.

I am not even mildly exaggerating. This thing was fucking incredible.

I’m not really a ready meal kinda gal, mostly because I love to cook and my mum always instilled in me the mentality of ready meals being greasy shit masquerading as actual food (I am paraphrasing, my mum is nowhere near as foul-mouthed as I am).


The first thing you’ll notice with the Muay Thai is that it smells AMAZING. It totally hits you with that lemongrass and lime as soon as you take it out of the microwave. And it tastes just as good as it smells. It is beautifully spiced – mild enough to enjoy buy spicy enough to make a weak-ass white girl like me go “oh my god, this is spicy, get me water, my nose is running”. It’s coconutty, fragrant, filling, and just an all-round beautifully balanced fucking fantastic easy meal.

The fact that it’s vegan wouldn’t even cross the mind of a meat-eater once they took a bite of this glorious feat of quick culinary genius. It doesn’t need meat. It doesn’t need ANYTHING else. It is completely and utterly perfect as it is. If they whinge about a lack of something dead in their little plastic tub it’s because they’re complaining for the sake of complaining and they were brought up to think a meal isn’t complete without a carcass. Fuck off, Dave, and eat your curry quietly, you absolute weapon.

Seriously, feed me this shit forever and I will die happy… Just don’t make me pay for it because £4 a pop hurts my very soul (but if you can afford it, it is SO worth it).

  • My Rating – 5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 5/5
  • Overall – 5/5

Find this product at: select Tesco stores



Primal Strips Hickory Smoked Vegan Jerky

Contains: Wheat, Soya

Free from: Nuts, Palm Oil

I’m going to throw a spanner in our Christmas line-up because it’s happened. The holy grail of veganism: BEEF FECKIN’ JERKY! (With somewhat less emphasis on the beef). Not that it’s exactly a daily go to for meat eaters, but it’s one of the few things I never expected to see on shelves. You know what stirs my loins even more? They have a selection of flavours. Jack Link’s ain’t got shit on us. There’s a fair few from Teriyaki to Mesquite Lime but I went with Hickory Smoked ‘cause if I’m gonna do this, you bet I’m doing this right (that and I don’t actually know what a mesquite is). It’s also crazy expensive. Not in a “wow, that’s a lot of money in one go” way, but in a “THIS IS AFFORDABLE… but where are they hiding the rest?” way. For one. measly. miserable. strip of jerky, you’re looking at £1.75. That’s right, that’s all you get. Daylight fucking robbery.

First thing I notice taking the jerky out of its sleeve is it’s… wet? Jerky I expect to be a little sticky like honey or thick molasses but this was almost like it was freshly basted and needed to be wiped down before eating and before you ask, I am a solid 80% sure it didn’t need cooking before hand. But the texture? Oh good god the texture. Merry Christmas indeed, Santa, you tricky bastard. It was more or less everything I was looking for. Tough and chewy like leather of an old woman’s handbag – it IS jerky. It was thick and has substance to it that you have to bite and rip like it’s the pin of a hand grenade, what more could you honestly want? Well, maybe it’s not quite as chewy as the real deal but it’s pretty damn close.

It was pretty bang on with taste too. It was s-s-s-mokey with a capital S, a little sweet and v sticky. You know what I mean, that good ol’ combo of honey smoke and bbq that just gets me frothing at the mouth. There’s not exactly much to it, it’s not more-ish or rich – just the bare essentials: hard compacted soy coated in a marinade. It literally could not go wrong.

VERDICT: Meh. It scores pretty damn high for authenticity, it’s just like the real thing (if a bit damp, but I’ve never complained about moisture) and considering jerky/biltong and other preserved meats aren’t exactly strong in flavour, it’s pretty spot on there too. That said, even by those standards it lacks in flavour a little bit and the fact that you get ONE. DAMN. STICK. really brings it down for me.

  • My Rating: 3/5
  • Omnivore Score: 5/5
  • Overall: 4/5

Find this product at: Planet Organic, Whole Foods and other health stores


Freedom Vanilla Marshmallows


Free from: wheat, soy, nuts, palm oil

Let’s not fuck around – one of the only selling points of living in a country where the air physically hurts your face is the fact that you can come indoors, put the kettle on, and make the most diabetes-inducing hot beverage and no one will question you.

You want a drink that’s chocolaty, milky, piled up with whipped cream and covered in sprinkles? You do that shit. But you would be a damn fool to exclude these marshmallows from your winter warmer.

They melt beautifully, so shove a whole fistful into your hot chocolate and you will get a gooey vanillary (?) topper that takes your drink to the next level of sugar-coma comfort.

If hot chocolate isn’t your thing and you’re one of those rogues that just pops marshmallows into your mouth like a MONSTER then these are perfect for that too (though seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? Who raised you? Wolves??? Why did the wolves let you do that?!?!).

They have a sugary outside and are less fluffy than non-vegan marshmallows, but they literally melt in your mouth and before you know it you have eaten through a whole pack in one sitting (totally not speaking from experience here…).

These ‘mallows are perfect, with my only criticism being that they’re a bit small. So while they will definitely do the job as a hot chocolate topper they’re not quite right for shoving in a s’more (sorry, Americans).

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: alternative food stores, online, and some Sainsbury’s.


Tesco’s Festive Nut Roast


Contains: Wheat, Soya, Nuts

Free from: Palm Oil

Even MORE festive foods for you guys because we eat a roast every week so you don’t have to. I’ve never had a nut roast because, to be honest, it sounds dry. It sounds like the driest, mealiest thing you could possibly put in your mouth. HOWEVER, it was £3.50, part of Tesco’s freshly released festive range and I figured it’s Christmas, I’ll go into this with an open mind.


Forgetting the fact that I already think nut roasts are shit, look at the unhealthily pale puck above. Like your throat after you’ve had a night out and smoked too much. Even the vegetables in it look depressing. Trying to scrape it off the tray just causes it to break and skidmark across and the way it mushes around really isn’t appealing. But when it comes to actually eating it? Everything changed. The texture was soft and moist on the inside, a little crusty on the outside. It was almost a little cakey but also filled with nutty chunks and bits of soft vegetable. I don’t think I’ve ever been so wrong about something from the get go (and I am wrong a lot). 10/10 points for festive wholesomeness in texture.


It just tastes homey. It tastes warm and welcoming, even to my cold Grinch heart. It’s stupid to say, yes, but it is nutty. It’s like eating a handful of warm nuts with a few spices in there, which is still really pleasant but not on say, Linda’s level. You can also definitely taste the cranberry though and the soft carrot bits. It just adds a different layer to the texture as well so you’re not sat with a mouthful of nuts all the time.

Is it good? So f*king good I went for seconds. Is it something I’d want at Christmas? No. It’s not really visually appealing and to be honest, there are so many other festive options out there that blow this out the fucking water. It can taste as nice as it wants but I’d rather have nothing but sprouts than look at that on my plate on Christmas day.

  • My Rating: 4/5
  • Omnivore Score: 1/5
  • Overall: 2.5/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s