Specials – The JunkFood Punks

VegFest London 2017 – The Good, the Very Good, and the HOLY SHIT THAT’S GOOD

20171021_123212 — The Worst Photo Ever Taken at a Food Festival

Contains: a shitload of free samples and a fuckload of people

Free From: You’d think it’d be free from meat eaters but some dude selling soup chatted to me about how he went back to being omni so there’s that

VegFest London 2017 had the biggest turnout to date, and it was fucking awesome.

There were international vendors set up throughout the exhibition centre, selling everything from pizza slices to lamps made from Himalayan salt.

Being a poor student I obviously went with the intention of scoring as many free samples as I could, and good GOD I was not disappointed. I managed to eat so much free shit I didn’t need to buy food to eat while I wandered around – which I was actually disappointed about because the food hall was INCREDIBLE … though this did save me from the ridiculous waiting times that hit around midday (the queue for Jake’s Vegan Steaks was easily half an hour long the whole time I was there).

Fortunately there was also booze. Booze with no queues. A no-queues booze cruise. (Don’t be deceived, there was no cruising. I only had half a mango-flavoured cider because someone – cough, RYAN, cough – passed his plague on to me.)

So here’s a little roundup of the vendors that stood out based on the free samples I snagged and those that coerced me into buying their wares. Fair warning, there may have been a bias towards cheese-related goods…

Alternative Stores

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A fucking incredible online store (with an actual shop based in Newcastle) that sells damn near anything and everything you could dream of. Whipped cream to tofu presses, Quinoa Puffs to shoes – you name it they’ve got it (and the people that run it are the SWEETEST HUMAN BEINGS ALIVE).

http://www.alternativestores.com/vegan-vegetarian-shopping/

Ananda’s Marshmallows

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Marshmallows and biscuits and everything smothered in chocolate… holy fucking shit I swear to god this stall was heaven. I picked up four of their Round Up biscuits and I wish I’d bought the whole damn table because they are fucking ace.

https://www.anandafoods.co.uk/

Conscious Chocolate

Untitled — *Photo from consciouschocolate.com*

Yas (my long-time friend, fellow vegan, and the person who stopped me spending my entire life savings at VegFest) and I tried some of Conscious Chocolate’s free samples and they were hands down the most flavour-intense, gorgeously rich chocolates we had ever tasted. You’d be a fucking fool to not try these (and an even bigger fool to not remember to go back to their stall and buy an actual bar GOD DAMMIT).

http://www.consciouschocolate.com/

Love Seitan

I fucking love how their tagline is “probably the best seitan in the world”. It’s like, “we don’t wanna brag, also there’s a fuckload of seitan out there so I mean statistically maybe not but like we’re pretty damn good so at least top ten. Definitely top ten. Stretching for top five.” Taglines aside, their seitan is pretty fucking awesome, especially the chilli and italian flavours. If, like me, you’re a lazy motherfucker and every time you get off your ass and attempt to make seitan it turns out like a chewy leathery catastrophe then you should definitely check these guys out.

https://www.loveseitan.com/

Ms Cupcake

Anyone who knows vegan sweet treats knows Ms Cupcake. They are some of the damn finest cakes, cookies, and bakes the vegan world has to offer. I picked up one of their red velvet cookie sandwiches (on the right in the photo) for my omni sister and holy shit it was good. You could feel the cavities forming, it was that full of sugary goodness.

http://www.mscupcake.co.uk/

New Roots

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New Roots is a Swiss company that do bloody INCREDIBLE cashew cheeses. They’ve got a camembert, cream cheese, and a ricotta as well as loads of other flavours of classic cashew cheese to choose from. I tried their brand new Free the Goat Cheeze which is their take on ricotta and holy shit they are killing it. Definitely a company to keep an eye out for.

https://www.newroots.ch/

Raw Food Rosie’s

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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think I’ve found my favourite vegan cheese. Raw Food Rosie’s cheeses are jam-packed full of flavour that kicks you in the teeth, punches you in the throat, and keeps you coming back for more. Their Vampire Slayer cream cheese? Holy fuck. I went away with one of their original classic bries which I will definitely be reviewing soon. For an artisanal cheese their prices are RIDICULOUSLY GOOD and if Yas wasn’t with me to drag me away I would have gladly spent all my money on every flavour of cheese they had to offer.

http://www.rawfoodrosies.com/

Vegetarian Caviar Club

veggie caviar club.jpg — *Photo from vegcaviar.com*

Now I think I only ever tried real caviar once in my life and knowing what it was made the whole experience pretty fucking unpleasant. But THIS I can get on board with. It’s made with sea weed and looks like the real deal. I tried the “salmon” and Yas tried the “wasabi” and both of us were pleasantly surprised by this stuff. When I get good enough at making sushi that it doesn’t end up looking like a bastardisation of those ridiculous instagram “buddha bowls” splayed across my kitchen counter then I will definitely grab a jar of veggie caviar to finesse my sushi rolls.

http://www.vegcaviar.com/

Tyne Chease

Yas had the joy of going to university t’up North so she had already tried Tyne Chease before VegFest and told me about how bloody good it is. She was not wrong. I basically stood at their stall for a good 10 minutes tasting EVERY. SINGLE. SAMPLE. Tyne Chease has literally mastered integrating flavours into their cheeses. They are iconic. My only qualm was that a wheel of their cheese was almost £3 more expensive than some of the other cheeses around (eg. Raw Food Rosie) and as a student that pinches just a little too much to justify it…. especially as someone who could easily eat one whole wheel in one sitting. Would it be weird to put cheese on my Christmas list?

https://www.tynechease.com/

Verys

verys cheese

Last but DEFINITELY not least is Verys. Those charismatic Italians drew us in and left us with the some mozarella cheese and the goddamn best ravioli I have had in years. I could have cried (granted I was very hungover when I ate mine, but the sentiment still stands). The only problem is I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHERE TO BUY THEM. Their leaflet says they are available on The Vegan Kind Supermarket website but I have scoured and found absolutely fuck all. My heart is broken. Send help. I need this pasta in my life. If you ever come across Verys products BUY THEM. BUY THEM NOW. And send me some while you’re at it…

https://www.verys.it/en/

October 27, 2017 by georgiamadness

Punk on the Road: Amsterdam Edition

We all know why you’re thinking of travelling to Dam… for the museums, architecture, and some good old canal tours. So to fuel you through all that sightseeing – because obviously that’ll work up an appetite… some may say it’ll give you the munchies – I’ve hunted down some awesome vegan food joints (joint? what? me? NEVER.) for you to enjoy while visiting one of the most goddamn beautiful cities in the world, and reviewed my top three favourites.

Dophert – Spaarndammerstraat 49-H, 1013 ST Amsterdam

Dophert is a cute little cafe near Westerpark. It’s 100% vegan and 100% worth travelling to even if it’s out of your way because they serve up some DAMN FINE food. I struggled to find a decent vegan breakfast in Dam until making the pilgrimage to Dophert.

Stacked blueberry pancakes with agave syrup: These pancakes were fluffy and filling and perfectly golden in colour. It definitely would have been better with more fruit in and around the pancakes, and personally I prefer maple syrup over agave, but overall this sweet sticky stack of pancakey goodness was fucking ace and I actually struggled to finish the whole thing.

The Ultimate Classic Chocolate Milkshake: Let me being by stating a shocking fact: I have not had whipped cream since going vegan 2 and a half years ago. So understandably, I lost my fucking SHIT when this bad boy was put in front of me. It was like something out of a 1950’s American Diner – it was fucking beautiful and chocolatey, piled high with whipped cream, and it even had a goddamn maraschino cherry on top (which I was way too excited about and ate before taking a photo…). And – of fucking course – it tasted as good as it looked.

No-Tuna Sandwich: Breakfast was so good at Dophert I returned for an early lunch the next day. Being too much of a lazy sack of crap, I have never attempted chickpea tuna myself. Dophert’s take on it was good but not quite as fishy as I expected, and to be honest the colour really threw me off. But that didn’t matter as it had thick crusty bread and some nice salady shit to pull it all together, making it overall a decent choice.

Vegan Junk Food Bar – Staringplein 22, 1054 VL Amsterdam

The VJFB is near Vondelpark – which you should totally check out, btw – and has been causing a storm on social media. I mean, fucking obviously! Just look at that monstrous burger!

Original VJFB Burger: Hands down the best “beef” patty I’ve ever had. It was thick, juicy and the perfect texture. It came on a soft seeded bun, with shitloads of salad and THREE types of onions on top – crispy, red, and spring – which was all fucking ace but did not make for a structurally sound burger. Be prepared to go a little bit she-wolf while shovelling this beauty into your gob. The cheese, THE FUCKING CHEESE, ugh it was so gooey and amazing… that and the sauce really pulled the whole thing together and made it one of the most omni-friendly burgers I’ve tried.

Parm A San and Truffle Fries: Hooooooly fuck what do we have here?! In theory these should be the TITS but the overpowering truffle flavour and the fact that the “parmesan” is nooch makes it all a bit of a fucking calamity. Don’t get me wrong, it’s tasty but the overwhelming stench of truffle and nooch sticks around for a long-ass time…

Crunchy Golden Seaweed Nuggets: THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER PUT IN MY MOUTH (INCLUDING MULTIPLE EX-BOYFRIENDS). They’re crunchy on the outside, soft and fishy on the inside with a cod like meaty texture. The sea weed sauce is like tartar but BETTER and works perfectly and basically I would live off of this shit if I could.

Mediterranean Cheese Spring Rolls: My brain could not even comprehend what the fuck these were but my stomach was a big fan. Think mozzarella stick on the inside, spring roll on the outside… With the sweet chilli dip it’s like the weirdest but most fucking awesome fusion that really shouldn’t work but really fucking does.

Loaded VJFB Fries: Okay so at this point I’m thinking that fries may be the downfall of the VJFB. The “shawarma meat” is well spiced, and it tastes and feels like kebab meat. Good so far, right? TIME TO TEAR THE FUCKER DOWN. The whole thing was wayyy overloaded with sauce – we’re talking barely any non-soggy fries – and piled up with huge chunks of onions and jalapenos that made everything hard to get at. You don’t get to appreciate each element because it all mooshes into a soggy saucy calamity. Overall it was a pretty sloppy mess.

The Dutch Weed Burger Joint – Nicolaas Beetsstraat 47, 1053 RJ Amsterdam

The Dutch Weed Burger Joint is also near Vondelpark, and based all around the use of sea weed and algae as ingredients in their kick-ass vegan junk food. Yeah, you heard. SEA weed. So don’t get your stoner hopes up.

The Dutch Weed Burger: Very different from the VJFB burger but so damn good in it’s own way. The burger was juicy, full of flavour and tears apart in a way similar to pulled pork. It’s rounded off with a decent amount of salad and the best fucking sauce you will ever have, all resting between a green-tinged bun. It holds its shape, it’s a decent size, and there’s no cheese but that’s because it doesn’t need it to be a fucking awesome burger. Less omni friendly than the VJFB burger for sure, but still meaty enough. It’s just the pale and shredded texture of the burger that gives away the game.

Large Fries: HOLY FUCKING SHIT THESE ARE AMAZING FRIES. Seriously, the best fries I’ve ever had. Granted they are inexplicably tiny in size but they are just perfect in every other way. Dipping them in the weed garlic sauce transports you to a place where Nazis aren’t taking over the US and everyone on earth gets a free puppy.

Weed Garlic Sauce: This sauce. Holy crap. It’s mayonaisey, flecked with sea weed and has a punchy garlic taste that isn’t overpowering. It doesn’t sound much but try it yourself and you’ll fucking see that this shit cannot be missed.

So, there ya go: a little taste of Amsterdam done vegan. Go on… book your flight, get some Euros, and tell your mum you’re going for the “cultural experience”. Good luck finding a vegan space cake though…

G x

August 26, 2017 by georgiamadness

Punk on the Road: Thailand Edition

Key words

อาหาร – Aah-haan (food)

เจ – Jae (vegan)

ถั่ว – Tua (nuts)

Southeast Asia can be an absolute haven for vegans. After all, this is the continent that gave us tofu and soy milk (as well as the Yakuza and Pol Pot but I guess you take the good with the bad). Depending on what part of Thailand you’re in, finding meals can be as simple as flipping through the menu but if nothing in there appears animal-free, I can give you the JFP guarantee (patent pending) that you can ask for it to be using the key words above. The main ingredients used are usually coconut milk, soy, bamboo shoots and a loads of curious looking veggies that may cost a shit-tonne back home but I’ve eaten meals for little over £1 here. Below are some traditional Thai dishes that I tried this trip. Warning: food here is generally soy heavy and may contain nuts.

1. Vegetable Thai Green Curry (แกงเขียวหวานเจ)

Probably the best known Thai dish. The curry consists of a watery, green (don’t ask why) stew of vegetables that’s light and refreshing. Made with coconut milk, it’ll have a mild sweetness to it but what really stands out is the tang. Zesty lime usually coupled with basil give the curry sauce a sour taste that I’d genuinely drink straight from the bowl. It can range from “give me a colostomy, I regret everything” spicy to a pleasantly mild pep (that’s a medium on the Nando’s scale). Typically made with green beans, eggplant and bamboo shoots, these add a solid chunkiness to it without really altering the flavour of the broth.

2. Red Curry with Tofu (ฉุ่ฉึ่เจ)

More curry (I honestly don’t know where they even come from) to add to the list – red curry with tofu. Similar to green, the sauce has a huge impact on flavouring and what separates it from its She-Hulk cousin is 1. It’s fucking red and 2. It’s generally less sweet. A small amount of curry sauce goes a long way here because the main focus is the tofu chunks. One thing to note regarding tofu from Southeast Asia is that it’s usually a lot softer or creamier than its European counterpart. For the particular one pictured, it was like sinking my teeth into cream cheese (except, you know, not gross).

3. Tom Kha Jae (ต้มข่าเจ )

Tom Yum (the most common of which is the Goong/prawn variety) is a pretty watery soup packed with a literally a million veggies. It usually comes in a milky white stew. Expect it to be quite refreshing in its lightness but also incredibly filling. The vegetables used vary but every broth will contain lemongrass, lime leaves and chillies giving it a spicy citrus feel. You’ll typically find the vegetables are soft and boiled but should still have a decent bite to them that give the meal some texture.

4. Pad Key Mao (ผัดขี้เมา)

If you’re here looking for something to arc weld your butthole shut with spice, this is the one. Pad Key Mao is a stir fry consisting of thick, wide rice noodles (literally all we eat is rice) that are a little soft, a little chewy and coated in the hottest damn chillies I’ve ever tasted. You’ll almost always find chillies, basil leaves, pepper, mushrooms and garlic in this dish but it can come in many forms. It’s got strong, herby flavours and a great smell but it’s usually overshadowed by the fact you’re crying, your mouth is also crying and your life has turned to shit.

5. Tofu, Chillies & Cashew nuts (เต้าหู้ผัดเม็ดมะม่วง)

Finally, something for people who aren’t keen on death by chilli. Stir fried tofu chunks with nuts, onions, peppers and chillies in a thick, ginger-y syrup. It’s sweet, a little peppery and hot at best but you usually won’t find it unbearably hot. The tofu in these dishes remains quite soft/spongy and pleasant as it’s unusual in Thai culture to stir fry the shit out of something.

6. Fruits

To round things off, Thailand has more fruits than co. If you’re after something to cleanse the palate after dinner here are a few to try. Mangosteen (a round purple-skinned fruit with white segments) is sweet and soft akin to an incredibly strange orange. Lychee, Rambutan and Longan are all fairly similar in that they look like small gelatinous eyeballs and they have that jelly like texture. All three are sweet and great to snack on.

In between visiting markets and temples, buying baggy elephant trousers and beer chang singlets and attending the Full Moon party (in which case, get the fuck out of my country) – the dishes above are all a must try whilst in Thailand. Regardless of where you go, eating vegan in Thailand should be the least of your worries.

July 11, 2017July 11, 2017 by Ryan