Gosh! Sweetcorn & Quinoa Bites



Free from: Nuts, Soya, Palm Oil, Wheat

Gosh! I honestly don’t quite know where to start with these ones. I’m also strangely uncomfortable with anything named “bites”… Bites of what? Sausage? Potato? Heroin? There’s just no telling really. For the purposes of reviews the only food I could think to compare it to is falafel but trust me when I say, it’s definitely fucking different. It’s also £2.50 for around 14 little balls which is pretty damn expensive for some almost falafel. One of the big draws I found with Gosh! though is that they’re “junk food” in a sense but their products are also made of healthy things like lentils, beans and peas (as well as guaranteed nut, soya and wheat free) so there’s definitely a place for them in the fridge if you’re weight watching but still want to eat (and we fucking do love to eat).


To Gosh’s credit, they don’t beat around the bush. The front of the packaging said “sweetcorn and quinoa bites with harissa and paprika”. What did I taste? Harissa, paprika and fuck all else. I mean, it’s great that they go together and actual flavour-wise it’s all works for that “Moroccan spiced” feel but it’s way too overpowering – like licking the floor of a Marrakech spice vendor. I tried them solo, I tried them in wraps and other foods but it honestly committed mass murder on the rest of my palate. Harissa and damn paprika with every bite, taking the joy out of literally every ingredient I threw at it to tone it down. It could probably work in a salad or something where you can space them out more ‘cause if any dish has more than three of these bastards bites (I definitely didn’t use the whole pack…) then just flush it. These little turds are as unforgiving as they are full of some great nutrition. Like I said earlier, a big plus for Gosh! is they do use some damn fine ingredients that actually do make me feel less shit about sticking a burger in the oven than say, reconstituted mushroom and mystery *cough* Quorn *cough*.


Texture is where this whole falafel comparison falls down. It’s got the right flavours and the inside doesn’t look so different but my god. They’re flaccid. They’re soft, they’re mushy and if you play with it enough it falls apart. I could probably get over the overpowering tastes to be honest (because it really isn’t that bad…) but the way its textured too makes it hard to have with a dish or by itself. You can’t try and pass them off as meatballs in a Bolognese because you’d suddenly be having a spaghetti and quinoa mash. Sandwich? You’re suddenly eating a strongly spiced pate on bread. Alone? Well… I can’t comment. I’m not that fucking crazy.

Where does that leave scores? Price? Eh, it could be cheaper but I guess if I’m going to be eating junk and knowing there’s some healthy stuff in there means I lay down an extra 50p every now and then, I’m not fussed. Omnivore score? Considering I can’t actually begin to compare it to something in the omni word, that’s not looking good. Would I buy it again? No. I’d still buy from Gosh! without a doubt but that specific product? Pass.

  • My Rating: 3/5
  • Omnivore Score: 0/5
  • Overall: 1.5/5

Find this product at: Tescos, Ocado and Morrisons.



Violife Mediterranean Style Cheese



Free from: Nuts, Palm Oil, Wheat, Soya

What does cheese say when it looks in the mirror? Hallou-mi. HA, kill me now. Finally we’re trying the vegan alternative to what goes in to so damn many vegetarian dishes but quick disclaimer: it does not taste like halloumi. It’s not bad but we’ll come to that in a minute, first THE PRICE. It’s like £2.50 for two bread-slice sized sheets (or maybe bricks… they’re real sturdy slices of cheese) seems a bit steep but it’s not really something you would want to use in too many meals and to be honest, it’s not that much more expensive than the straight-from-the-cow stuff.

Before we discuss taste, I LOVE halloumi. If anyone’s familiar with its taste and texture, it’s me. This, Violife, is why I’m displeased with your cheese. I mean – 1. it came AS A BRICK 2. Look at it after grilling… now compare that to the real deal. WHAT are you trying to pull here Violife? It also smells a bit lardy when cooking (because who doesn’t love smelling like sizzling fat) but they’ve clearly gone for the squidgy and rubbery texture as it squeeks around your pan like the end of a pencil. Saying that, it doesn’t really translate to mouthfeel. It’s not at all the same as that greek goodness and is more like… congealed cheddar? Some soft, clumpy, gloopy, processed cheese? It’s not necessarily a bad texture but it’s definitely not fucking halloumi.

It also doesn’t taste right. Again, think of a stick of rich, mature (think OAP) cheddar that’s all coagulated and congealy – that’s exactly what you’ve bought. It’s not got that mouth-puckering saltiness to it either. So all in all, it sounds like Violife have done pretty feckin’ bad… except, they haven’t. It’s not necessarily an authentic mirror image of what it claims to be, it might not even be a good replacement in any dish that would require halloumi because it’s just that off but fuck me if it isn’t really moreish.

So, verdict?… Um. Maybe buy if you’re fancying a one-off to throw in a wrap but be warned that it probably would not work in a halloumi dish. Interesting to try but I doubt I’d ever buy again.

  • My Rating: 2/5
  • Omnivore Score: 1/5
  • Overall: 1.5/5

Find this product at: Sainsbury’s, Whole Foods, Ocado and other health stores


Goodlife Cumin and Coriander Falafel



Free from: Palm Oil, Nuts, Soya, Wheat

Quick preface – I’ve been ill with some super rare strain of what I can only assume is Typhoid or Zika. No one wants to make a proper meal when they’re ill and what better to get those nutrients in than a falafel wrap? (don’t question my methods, they’re effective). Tired of the typical Cauldron stuff and seeing Goodlife on the shelves, why the fuck not. I’m already drop-dead infected, the worst this could do is put me out of my damn misery. At £1.80 for 14 (that’s what, 12 pennies per falaf?) it’s pretty well priced, but are they even worth that?

Not necessarily the worst but I did question each and every 12p I spent on each falafel. Warm, a little crusty but not sandy. Mouth puckeringly dry, trying them plain left me with that Donald Trump butthole shaped mouth (as is expected with falafel) so I had to pop them in a wrap with a little (a lot) hummus and veg. That said I did have one plain to really gauge its texture and flavour. It definitely had a good crumble to it that you want with a falafel, those good cakey bits of it that break apart in your mouth without it disintegrating in your hands leaving you with some sad, brown talcum powder. Goodlife have definitely managed to bring a strong product. It holds together well up until the last minute and adding a little sauce (or in my case just slapping an extra helping of hummus on it) doesn’t cause it to collapse in on itself. The crust on the outside? Nice. Crisp and not so thick that you’re biting down into what could either be a meteor or a charcoal.

Goodlife came weak with their flavour game though. Even through my constantly running nose and broken spirit all I could taste was cumin. Not small amounts that give it a little kick, I mean all I could taste was cumin. It tasted earthy and just a little bit offensive. It wasn’t exactly terrible, to be perfectly fair, but I feel the same outcome could’ve been reached by licking the underside of a half-used poppadum.

It’s hard to go wrong with falafel. It’s omni-friendly by nature and the fact that this is palm and gluten free doesn’t really change that (though it is a nice touch). I’d buy them again for sure, partly for their pricing and also because they weren’t the worst but they’re far from the best. Very far. If we’re talking geographical analogies, the best is Mongolia and Goodlife is Peckham. That’s how far.

  • My Rating: 2/5
  • Omnivore Score: 4/5
  • Overall: 3/5

Find this product at: Ocado, Saisnbury’s and Iceland. Your mileage may vary.


Linda McCartney’s Country Pies


Contains: Wheat

Free from: Palm Oil, Nuts, Soya

Pies. One of the most British dishes you can have – the essence of homely comfort food and to this day I haven’t tried a vegan alternative. Well, until yesterday. I sat down with our in-house omnivore and pub grub aficionado to have a proper pie-and-mash meal (quick disclaimer: we didn’t have mash. I’m a fucking fraud. It was a baked potato.) £2.00 for two pies (a pound a pie) is a serious bargain especially since one pie is enough for one meal.


Pies are complex. I’m talking some next level, pan dimensional shit levels of complex. The first layer we have to judge on is the outside –that fine ass pastry crust. It’s flaky, it’s puffy and its buttery (not like eating straight lard, but like well-cooked Jus-Rol), literally hitting all the criteria points for texture. It’s like eating the skin of a well moisturised angel. The inside is piping hot, as it should be. You get that steam pouring out from the watery and meaty insides, just like a regular pie. Second layer we have to judge on is the filling. The saucy inside tends to make the pie wet, but who doesn’t love a soggy chunk in the mouth? It’s meaty and almost identical to real mince. Pour a little gravy on top and you’re on to a winner.

You need to taste Linda’s pie. Linda has the best tasting and sweetest smelling pie I’ve ever put my face in. Sure it’s a bit beefy, but whose pie isn’t? With its perfect pastry layering all around, the inside just overflows with this stew-like mince mix. Throw some roasted veggies and mash on the side and prepare for those hearty dinners because this is a 10/10 winner.

This week, our resident omnivore and pie expert (an ex-vegetarian, the most despicable types) tucked into these pies with me to try and give us a better feel for our rating. The pie was good, a strong contender for a replacement but it lacked the proper depth and range of flavour (but what do they know, darn meat eaters, right?) but it’s made up for by being less stodgy. It was definitely filling but it also didn’t make you feel like sewage afterwards.

  • My Rating: 5/5
  • Omnivore Score: 4/5
  • Overall: 4.5/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s, Saisnbury’s, Morrison’s and other stores.


GranoVita Organic Herb Pâté

pate herby

Contains: “sustainable” palm oil, nuts, soy

Free from: wheat

You know shit’s fucked up when shoving a tube down the throat of an animal to fatten up its liver to be blended up and spread on toast is seen as a reasonable means of providing a staple food product to a middle class household.

Yeah, I used to eat that shit. And it took me a while to realise that if you have to stop yourself thinking about what your food really is to be able to put it in your mouth and swallow then MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, you shouldn’t fucking eat it.

So, while it took me a while to get into veggie pâté, I have some strong feelings about why everyone – duck stuffers included – should shut the fuck up and embrace it with open arms (and mouths).

cracker 2

GranoVita’s pâté is thick without being chunky, packed full of bomb-ass herbs without the feeling of grazing on your front lawn, and it’s got a nice mild but distinct taste that doesn’t punch you in the mouth with garlic.

The downside: the bastard fucking thing is IMPOSSIBLE to get out of the tube. I had to go on Tinder and look back at the wildly inappropriate and sexually aggressive messages I’d received from thirsty fuckboys to fuel myself with enough rage to Hulk-smash the tube into submission. And when you do get it out of the tube, it looks a little bit like bird shit (ah, sweet irony). One tube costs around £2.75 which is pretty reasonable for the amount you get plus the added workout plan…

My advice: ignore the appearance and the fact you broke a sweat trying to access your afternoon snack, grab your crackers, and enjoy feeling like a middle class housewife nibbling on leftover hors d’oeuvres from your most recent dinner party.

Look, this pâté isn’t supposed to pretend to be the blended up organ of a dead bird. It is very obviously a veggie pâté, BUT that doesn’t mean omnis can’t enjoy it. And if they slag it off because it’s “weird vegan shit” just remind them that eating plants is way less fucked up than their weird carnist shit.

Alternatively, punch them in the jaw and don’t invite them round for fancy-ass food ever again.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Holland and Barrett, other health/alternative food stores

Linda McCartney Mini Pork & Apple Sausage Rolls


Contains: palm oil, wheat, soya

Free From: nuts

My Nana always makes sausage rolls from scratch EVERY YEAR for Christmas. It’s her thing, along with guilting me for being vegan and not eating her sausage rolls that she made from scratch specially for Christmas.

Personally, I don’t believe that sausage rolls should be restricted to being a once-a-year, special occasion snack food. Sausage rolls are pretty much the backbone of British food culture; try and name a single town here that doesn’t have  a Gregg’s trying to flog mashed up pig wrapped in flaky pastry.

These little Linda sausage rolls are bite-sized and beautiful. Easy to cook, easy to eat, less easy to stop yourself eating half the packet…


Brushing the rolls with a milk alternative is a must to give it a golden, buttery look and taste. I used Alpro Soya Light and it worked like a charm. If you manage to not shove a whole roll in your mouth and you actually take a human sized bite, you’ll notice that good god DAMN this is some flaky pastry. This shit is PERFECTION. What is even the point in eating sausage rolls if you don’t end up with pastry flakes all over you, alerting everyone in the vicinity that:

A) There are sausage rolls near by, and

B) You have no shame.

The filling is good but to be honest I was expecting a little more sweetness from the apple, and that’s where these fall a bit flat for me. The texture of the filling is great and holds its form when you bite into it, and it tastes a hell of a lot like classic pork stuffing which means omnis probably wouldn’t notice a difference between your standard cheap sausage roll bites.

Being an absolute trash human, my solution for any mildly disappointing food is to squeeze a fuck tonne of ketchup all over that shit. It definitely improved my opinion of these sausage rolls seeing as I went on to eat another five, all smothered in tomatoey sugary goodness.

In the name of equality, I also tried them out with HP brown sauce, as my Nana would argue that putting ketchup on a sausage roll is like showing up to Christmas dinner one year having shaved half of your head (i.e. “what the fuck have you done you have RUINED CHRISTMAS”*).

(Sorry Nana)

FYI brown sauce works just fine too…

Overall these mini sausage rolls are the perfect party food as you can guarantee they’ll all be eaten with pretty much no complaining, but they’re also no show-stopper and are kinda forgettable.

  • My Score – 3/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 3.5/5

Find this product at: most supermarkets and some alternative food stores.

*not an exact quote

Tesco Free From Garlic Dough Balls


Contains: palm oil

Free From: nuts, gluten, soy

Everybody likes garlic dough balls. They’re like garlic bread, but without anyone having to punch a family member in the face in a fight to the death over who has to eat the crusty end piece.

SO. You can imagine my excitement when wandering the frozen aisle of Tesco I came across these purple-packaged beauties.

There are 9 dough balls in a pack. One serving size is 3 dough balls. Let’s get one thing cleared up REAL FAST: NO ONE ONLY EATS THREE DOUGH BALLS. I consumed 30% of my daily saturates in one sitting for you bastards, so you better appreciate this.

First things first, the cooking instructions say to bake until golden brown. The dough balls on the packet aren’t even golden brown, and when that oven timer went off I was not gonna piss around – I had eating to do.

balls of dough.jpg

Good god DAMN these things are garlicky and buttery and I think for a brief moment I fell in love. That was until I shoved a whole dough ball in my mouth and came to the disappointing realisation that the actual texture of the garlic butter was like damp herby nooch*.

As for the balls themselves (laugh it up, you filthy minded heathens), some were super soft and fluffy and basically heaven in your mouth… others were kinda chewy. These are not just straight up vegan dough balls by the way, they’re gluten free too. That’s possibly where this hit-and-miss texture comes from.

If I was hosting some kind of get together I would much rather cook some from scratch than serve these up. Yes you could feed them to your omni friends but they will for sure judge your lazy ass and then bang on about “real butter”. Spare me.

Overall, I wasn’t massively impressed with these Pizza Express wannabes. Yeah, they are huge and definitely not stingy with the garlic butter that’s for sure, but the chewiness and the fact that you won’t be able to hold a face to face conversation with anyone for the foreseeable future makes me think I won’t be having these again, even though they only cost £2.

  • My Rating: 2/5
  • Omnivore Score: 3/5
  • Overall: 2.5/5

Find these at: Tesco


*nutritional yeast flakes, for all of you who aren’t down with the kids.

Quibbles Sour Cream & Onion Cashews



Contains: nuts

Free From: gluten, soy, palm oil

Okay I know what you’re thinking.

“G, these are nuts. Nuts are not junkfood.”

First of all: shut up, and second of all: these are not just any nuts. These are sour cream and onion nuts.

And you know what? THEY TASTE. LIKE PRINGLES.

Sour cream and onion Pringles were my all-time favourite crisp – because who doesn’t love sweaty sock breath? – and this little pack of surprises was honestly the best replacement I could have hoped for… in non-crisp form that is.

They’re baked not fried so you don’t get any gross oily crap on your hands, and one single-serving 30g pack costs about £0.99 and is a decent enough portion that you won’t find yourself tearing open another three and going at them like a crazed raccoon.

They’re way more interesting than just munching on boring salted cashews and for fucks sake THEY TASTE LIKE CRISPS, WHAT MORE REASON DO YOU NEED?! You can even bulk buy them online from the evil empire (Amazon).


My one criticism is that I, being a dumb ass, didn’t properly read the label and chowed down on the whole bag before I realised there was high cross-contamination with peanuts. To which I am very allergic. So while these suckers may have momentarily filled a void in my life they also tried to take it…

I took off .5 of a point for the high cross contamination which may seem unfair but dammit I want these cashews in my life, and not just for the remaining 30 seconds of it!

  • My Rating: 3.5/5
  • Omnivore Score: 5/5
  • Overall: 4/5

Find this product at: Amazon, or use Quibbles’ store locator http://www.quibblesnibbles.com/store/