Wicked Kitchen Hoi Sin Mushroom Wrap


Contains: Wheat, Soya, Palm Oil

Free from: Nuts

Every single vegan has been here and don’t tell me you haven’t but first, let me set the scene. You’re out and about, maybe headed to somewhere special, maybe not, I dunno it doesn’t matter. You’re kinda hungry and you’re looking for a bite to eat but you’ll be damned if you stop off in some snobby art café that’s gonna charge you £73,000 for bio-organic, locally sourced, reinforced smart water before you’ve even had a look at the food; all you want is a something cheap, quick and easy (don’t we all). All you have to choose from at the Tesco’s aisle is ‘Falafel and Coriander’ or ‘Carrot and Hummus’… WELL HOLD ON because their Wicked selection is stocked! The only problem is it costs 3 .fucking. pounds. when all other sandwiches cost half that. My socialist bones scream (EQUALITY FOR ALL FOODS). [Pro-Tip, going in at like 7pm means they’ll usually still be mostly in stock and reduced to 1.75.]


Finally a sandwich that won’t taste of dirt, right? Well… almost. Despite the fact I got SHAFTED on the filling (see the bottom wrap), I was so excited to finally try something a little different in the grab&go department. I’m not entirely sure what I expected, maybe something akin to a fucking hoi sin duck wrap but no. It’s that familiar crunch and of someone who’s pushed a carrot through a grater and not bothered to do anything with it. Unseasoned veggies, unappreciated leafy greens and all sorts of crimes against veganity were committed in this wrap. The mushroom taste was only sometimes there (which to all you shroom haters out there is probably a damn blessing) but all I can really taste is dry carrot which also takes over the entire texture of the thing. Crunch Crunch Crunch. Where is the richness, WHERE IS THE FUCKING HOI SIN?!



Answer? Well… The first wrap I ate was almost bone dry and not a single hint of sauce. I actually nearly stopped halfway because I was already pretty mad. FUCK Wicked for robbing me of this goodness. However in true JFP fashion, I reckoned I had to give the other side an equal shot and guess what? Found the Hoi Sin… I found all of it. Literally smothered in it and if you’ve ever tried this sauce before, you’ll know that too much of it renders something inedible… AGH I had such high hopes for this and I couldn’t even finish it. Not to say that the taste is necessarily bad or offensive, it just doesn’t do what it says on the tin. No smoothness, no richness in taste. Just mushrooms and carrots in one end and a plum mudslide in the other.

Scoring time. As you can probably tell, I’m vexed. Price? If I were King of Bhutan, I still wouldn’t want to waste my money on this. The texture in all fairness wasn’t awful but it wasn’t appealing. I wouldn’t want to make a meal like that for myself. The omnivore score, if I’m to compare this to an actual peking duck wrap is a straight 0.

  • My Rating: 1/5
  • Omnivore Score: 1/5
  • Overall: 1/5

Find this product at: Tescos


Wicked Kitchen BBQ Butternut Mac


Contains: wheat, soya

Free From: nuts, palm oil

It’s no secret that I love mac and cheese more than life itself. I’ve already tried Tesco’s Free From Mac and Cheese and I was less than impressed. In fact, it fucking offended me. The bar was pretty damn low when I picked up Wicked Kitchen’s mac from my local Tesco, but literally anything could’ve surpassed the absolute shit show of the free-from monstrosity.

Maybe I’m just a purist when it comes to mac and cheese, but my first impression was that it was just TOO DAMN DRY. WHERE IS THE CHEESY SAUCE? This shit should be dripping, gooey, mouth watering. Instead it was kind of… clumpy? At least the pasta was cooked properly… Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t BAD, it just wasn’t GREAT. It still kicks the absolute ass of Tesco’s Free From mac and cheese, but that’s like trying to brag about beating a toddler in a fist fight.


The BBQ mushrooms were a bit of a saviour here. They really packed a punch flavour- wise which means the sauce was a bit overpowered. Not a bad thing, just something to consider if you’re expecting an oo-ey gooey cheesy party in your mouth. The BBQ mushrooms are the big flavour here, and even if (like me) you hate the texture of mushrooms, they are tasty enough to make you forget that cooked mushrooms feel like tiny chunky slugs in your mouth.

The red cabbage… I have so many questions. Most of them “why?”. They are peppery and actually quite tasty but why the sweet fuck are they slapped on top of my mac? Save this shit for a quinoa salad or some other healthy crap. I came here to eat pasta and carb the fuck up. Get that veg away from me.

Overall, this was filling, non-greasy, and better than your average ready meal. A non-vegan could eat it no problem, but I totally expect them to have the same cabbage qualms as I did.

It also cost FOUR FUCKING POUNDS. FOUR!!!! FOUR!!!!!!

Excuse me while I actually get off my ass and make my own mac and cheese from scratch because £4 is fucking extortionate.

  • My Rating – 3/5
  • Omnivore Score – 5/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Selected Tesco Stores

Wicked Kitchen Nana’s Mushroom Bolognese


Contains: wheat

Free From: nuts, soy, palm oil

Wicked Kitchen is making big waves in the vegansphere and for good reason – It’s a fucking blessing to have so much choice suddenly dropped into our laps. To find a vegan spagbol boxed up and ready to go makes me almost *almost* drop the resting bitch face and crack a smile right there in the ready meal aisle. For context, the last time I did that in Tesco a 55 year old man tried to chat me up, so this is no small thing.

It doesn’t look as impressive as their Muay Thai Curry but it smells incredible fresh out the microwave (just like Nana intended). It’s got a great texture, which I thought was impressive considering mushroom mince has always sounded like something that was destined to be a disappointment.


Work with me here and ignore the pathetic foliage smushed on top… The sauce is actually fucking awesome. It’s rich and flavoursome, and everything fits together perfectly to be a proper good hearty meal, which is way more than I thought I’d ever say in favour of a ready meal. Sad leaves aside, it ticks all the boxes for a classic bolognese that would only slightly insult everything an Italian grandmother stands for.

As I was tucking in (read: shovelling pasta into my mouth like a crazed woman) I had the shock of my fucking life when suddenly there were CARROT NOODLES IN MY MOUTH. CARROT. NOODLES. COODLES (?).

What. The. Fuck.

Okay I totally did not read the packaging properly… when it said “carrot” I thought it meant ittybitty chunks in the sauce not STEALTH COODLES LURKING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOX.

I feel personally attacked. Mostly because the coodles (I’m officially making this a thing) were basically raw. Raw veg is not my jam. We are the junkfood punks for a reason. Coodles are not that reason. On the other hand, the spinach was actually a nice addition. Possibly because it was fully cooked and completely expected. Fuck you, stealth veg.

Let’s wrap this up before the coodle rant gets out of hand (yes, this is me being restrained). Overall, this was filling and tasty and totally passable as an actual meal. Feed it to an omni and there will be minimal bitching, but the mushroom mince is by no means identical to meat mince so they will just have to accept the fact that an actual vegetable has entered their body. (The SHOCK, the HORROR!)

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Selected Tesco Stores

Wicked Kitchen Muay Thai Curry Ready Meal


Contains: wheat

Free From: nuts, palm oil, soya

Let me just start by saying this: Holy shit, Tesco, you absolute babe.

Who would’ve thought we’d be kicking off 2018 with a tsunami of vegan ready meals and on-the-go foods flooding our supermarkets? I sure as shit didn’t, and when I heard about the 20 piece range from Wicked Kitchen that was being introduced in 600 Tesco stores across the nation, I had a teeny tiny orgasm.

Which means before I even tried any of their food, Wicked Kitchen was already doing way better than some previous gentlemen callers.


Muay Thai wasn’t the first ready meal I tried from Wicked Kitchen but I figured we should kick things off with hands down the best ready meal I have ever eaten.

I am not even mildly exaggerating. This thing was fucking incredible.

I’m not really a ready meal kinda gal, mostly because I love to cook and my mum always instilled in me the mentality of ready meals being greasy shit masquerading as actual food (I am paraphrasing, my mum is nowhere near as foul-mouthed as I am).


The first thing you’ll notice with the Muay Thai is that it smells AMAZING. It totally hits you with that lemongrass and lime as soon as you take it out of the microwave. And it tastes just as good as it smells. It is beautifully spiced – mild enough to enjoy buy spicy enough to make a weak-ass white girl like me go “oh my god, this is spicy, get me water, my nose is running”. It’s coconutty, fragrant, filling, and just an all-round beautifully balanced fucking fantastic easy meal.

The fact that it’s vegan wouldn’t even cross the mind of a meat-eater once they took a bite of this glorious feat of quick culinary genius. It doesn’t need meat. It doesn’t need ANYTHING else. It is completely and utterly perfect as it is. If they whinge about a lack of something dead in their little plastic tub it’s because they’re complaining for the sake of complaining and they were brought up to think a meal isn’t complete without a carcass. Fuck off, Dave, and eat your curry quietly, you absolute weapon.

Seriously, feed me this shit forever and I will die happy… Just don’t make me pay for it because £4 a pop hurts my very soul (but if you can afford it, it is SO worth it).

  • My Rating – 5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 5/5
  • Overall – 5/5

Find this product at: select Tesco stores



Tesco Free-From Mac and Cheese


Contains: soy

Free From: wheat, palm oil, nuts

I fucking LOVE mac and cheese. Do you know how long I waited for this shit to hit the shelves?! I grew up on Kraft mac, that real fine shit from a cardboard box, so to be able to have nutritionally lacking quick-cook cheesy goodness back in my life got me all kinds of excited.

As with any ready meal, you feel like a goddamn failure at life with every stab of the plastic film before you pop your culinary delight in the microwave. But it’s okay, because Tesco has gotten real fuckin fancy and thrown some parsley on that shit. So, clearly, not everything in your life has gone to crap because your dinner has some foliage tossed upon it.


My first question is: what the FUCK? Why is it so watery?!

Kraft mac and cheese was so thick and gooey it was basically a heart attack in a bowl. THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE COULDN’T EVEN BRING ON A BIT OF LIGHT CHEST PAIN.

If I’m gonna spend £3 on a mac and cheese ready meal I at least want it to be so cheesy I regret it.

Once I stopped being dramatic, I gave it a good stir and a long, hard stare and then tucked in (the stare was necessary, I didn’t know if I could trust this weak-ass attempt at comfort food).

It’s fine.

Like, that’s it.

It’s fine.

It’s definitely not thick or cheesy enough, the pasta is noticeably gluten free (sorry celiacs, that’s not a good thing), and it’s weirdly peppery. It’s totally edible, but one of those ready meals that makes your soul a little sad.

It was like going on a date with someone who is really attractive on paper, but then when you meet them they’re the kind of person to argue that – while they totally wouldn’t vote for him themselves – there are some merits of wotsit Hitler being President of the United States.

Yeah, sorry, there won’t be a second date.

  • My Rating – 2.5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 2.5/5
  • Overall – 2.5/5

Find this product at: Tesco

Linda McCartney’s Country Pies


Contains: Wheat

Free from: Palm Oil, Nuts, Soya

Pies. One of the most British dishes you can have – the essence of homely comfort food and to this day I haven’t tried a vegan alternative. Well, until yesterday. I sat down with our in-house omnivore and pub grub aficionado to have a proper pie-and-mash meal (quick disclaimer: we didn’t have mash. I’m a fucking fraud. It was a baked potato.) £2.00 for two pies (a pound a pie) is a serious bargain especially since one pie is enough for one meal.


Pies are complex. I’m talking some next level, pan dimensional shit levels of complex. The first layer we have to judge on is the outside –that fine ass pastry crust. It’s flaky, it’s puffy and its buttery (not like eating straight lard, but like well-cooked Jus-Rol), literally hitting all the criteria points for texture. It’s like eating the skin of a well moisturised angel. The inside is piping hot, as it should be. You get that steam pouring out from the watery and meaty insides, just like a regular pie. Second layer we have to judge on is the filling. The saucy inside tends to make the pie wet, but who doesn’t love a soggy chunk in the mouth? It’s meaty and almost identical to real mince. Pour a little gravy on top and you’re on to a winner.

You need to taste Linda’s pie. Linda has the best tasting and sweetest smelling pie I’ve ever put my face in. Sure it’s a bit beefy, but whose pie isn’t? With its perfect pastry layering all around, the inside just overflows with this stew-like mince mix. Throw some roasted veggies and mash on the side and prepare for those hearty dinners because this is a 10/10 winner.

This week, our resident omnivore and pie expert (an ex-vegetarian, the most despicable types) tucked into these pies with me to try and give us a better feel for our rating. The pie was good, a strong contender for a replacement but it lacked the proper depth and range of flavour (but what do they know, darn meat eaters, right?) but it’s made up for by being less stodgy. It was definitely filling but it also didn’t make you feel like sewage afterwards.

  • My Rating: 5/5
  • Omnivore Score: 4/5
  • Overall: 4.5/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s, Saisnbury’s, Morrison’s and other stores.