Contains: Wheat, Soya

Free from: Palm Oil, Nuts

Most of you have probably seen Vivera hit the shelves and we at JFP have already done a review or two about their stuff but they make SO. MANY. DIFFERENT. THINGS. And what kind of a blog would we be if we didn’t try them all? Although kebabs in the UK are almost exclusively eaten between 1 & 4 AM (when, let’s face it, you’re abso-fkn-lutely too piss drunk to care about taste), this is not that kind of meal. Plus it’s not exactly good drunk food if you’ve got to turn the fucking hob on. At that point you’re basically cooking a dinner. Another issue is cost. Vivera, for all the right you do in the world, why do you cost so much? Can I buy your products on finance with monthly installments (now available with 1,325% APR)?

The above photo was one packet. Now, either you’re calling me a fat shit (it’s fine, I only cry on the inside) or that is NOT enough for one person, nor is it worth that obscene £2… It looks a lot more appealing than your average frozen goods and, to be honest, it smells a hell of a lot better too. Chuck it in the pan and the spices literally ooze out of this thing, I felt like some 80s cartoon being floating in, seduced by the scent of a pie (slutty, slutty pie). If you’re still thinking of your burger cart pisshead kebab, I cannot stress how different this tastes. It will blow your tits off. It’s not necessarily the best thing I’ve ever eaten, but the spice and the meatiness of it is so damn good, all without being overly greasy or looking horrifically unappealing.

“Wow, this sounds great, there must be something wrong with it though?” And there is, Kevin! Texture. Whoever made this has never had food, I’m 99% sure of this. It’s… spongy. It’s… soft. There’s something peculiar about it, it’s not offensive but it’s just not quite right. Again, not necessarily bad but it’s not a kebab and whilst it’s not gonna make you question what it is you’re putting in your mouth or plague your entire meal, it’s definitely something you notice.

So how does it hold up to the real thing? It’s not the shittest kebab I’ve ever had (and if you have had a burger cart kebab, you’ll think that’s not saying much but it genuinely is quite good) and I definitely give it points. 4 to be exact. In terms of likeness to the real thing? You could put it in an omni’s meal but they sure as shit won’t believe it’s meat, let’s put it that way.

• My Rating: 4/5
• Omnivore Score: 2/5
• Overall: 3/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s and select Sainsbury’s stores.

Contains: Soya

Free from: Wheat, Palm Oil, nuts

So this is even more ambiguous than your run of the mill vegan fast food (whether it be “strips” or “bits” or “chunks”)… This is just pulled Oumph. As someone who’s pulled their Oumph plenty of times throughout their early teens, I sure fucking hope this is different. ANYWAY, it’s one of a few of Oumph!’s frozen options to hit the supermarket shelves and at £2 a pack (typically does two meals or one if you lack self control like we do at JFP) I had to give it a try.

First things first: picture pulled pork in your mind. What do you think? Maybe some saucy sweetness, some stringy and shredded chunks of flesh? Well, as you can see from the above images it’s abso-fuckin-lutely not what Oumph provides us… Or is it?

I was SHOCKED when I first brought out what appeared to be frozen balls of ketchup and tofu but then I started cooking it. Give it a few minutes and before long you’re drooling at the good ol’ smell of smokey BBQ. As the Oumph thaws, it looks less like sad KFC reject and more like the classic pulled goodness you just wanna shove in your mouth. 10/10 for smells and sights. Would recommend to a friend.

Texture is there too. It’s exactly what you want from pulled something. Fine and chunky in all the right places (I’m not frustrated, I promise) with just enough “bite” to make you really wonder if you grabbed the right pack from the frozen section. It’s not grainy, it’s not some clear vegetable substitute. The sauce is a bit much so it CAN feel a bit gloopy but honestly? Ithought I’d fucked up here but no, it’s all plant based, my pals, but you wouldn’t know it even if I told you.

The taste? Just as spot on. Welllll… Maybe the BBQ is a little strong (it is all you can smell) and maybe the “meat” is a bit bland by comparison, but am I complaining? Absolutely not. Together they somehow work and whilst it might be a bit overpowering on its own, chuck that shit in a sandwich and say goodbye to your bank account and waistline.

Scores speak for themselves, my pals.

• My rating: 5/5

• Omnivore score: 4/5
• Overall score: 4.5/5

Available at: Tescos

Contains: Wheat

Free from: Nuts, Soya, Palm Oil

Venturing outside our world of patties, hotdogs and sausages – I’m trying Quorn BBQ Strips… What is a  strip, you say? Get me enough drink and I’ll show you haaaaaa… (but seriously, I don’t know). Anyway… Quorn have been coming out with vegan things left, right and centre in the past year and this just sounded like something I had to try. You can squeeze out two meals from a single £2.50 bag so it’s not horrendously priced but are you willing to fork that much out for “mystery strips”? Well, you fuckin’ should.

First off – what’s with every Quorn product looking like it came out of a Play-Doh fun factory? They don’t look great out the pack and I didn’t have high hopes at first… but then, once the pan had heated up a bit, the smell hit. Think McDonald’s BBQ sauce. Now imagine just the smell of that dominating EVERYTHING but in the best kind of way, like Ronald McD’s own brand cologne. They come out actually looking edible and less like Colgate’s newest and least welcome flavoured toothpaste and still smelling 10/10. If at this point you’re worrying they’ve overdone the flavouring, don’t because they haven’t. Even though it smells like heaven-on-fucking-high, the taste isn’t as overpowering. It’s not one of those where you have to spice it before hand or where you wish you were eating cardboard instead, no, it’s just damn spot on. A good mix of BBQ, a good mix of… Quorn flavour? Shit, I don’t even know what Quorn’s made of but that taste.

So what’s wrong with it? Is there anything wrong with it? Is this really God’s gift to man? Well, no. The only thing I have wrong with this product (probably linked to my severe lack of knowledge as to what Quorn actually is) is that the texture is like if Spongebob and talcum powder somehow had the most disfigured and mangled child (has science gone too far?). It just crumbles, falls apart and then mushes a bit in your mouth whilst somehow also sucking all the moisture out of it at once. I know that sounds like the worst thing in the world, but I wouldn’t discount these bad boys just yet. I’m convinced that it’s nothing a little sauce couldn’t fix because the taste is all there, Quorn just need to do something about their weird, compressed ‘shroom… stuff.

I really, really want to be able to answer the omnivore question but I don’t know what the fuck an omni strip is… Chicken? Well… this is definitely not fucking chicken unless it’s that pink goop they use to make nuggets. Steak? We were closer with pink goop. So for my actual rating? I’d give it a solid 4. Real good shit. Omnivore score? It actually has to be a 0 (but honestly it tastes good enough just feed it to them anyway).

• My Rating: 4/5
• Omnivore Score: 0/5
• Overall: 5/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s, Sainsbury’s, Morrison’s, Ocado and ASDA.

Contains: Wheat, Soya, Nuts

Free from: Palm Oil

Fucking love peanuts. Pretty damn fond of avocado. Mix them together and what do you get? Literally the most inedible thing on this whole planet of Earth. Tesco’s patties have always been underwhelming if I’m honest (WHY do I keep doing this to myself) but I figured 1. I’d risk it for the blog and 2. One of our resident omnivores suggested it (fucking omnivores. What do they know, am I right?).

Do me a favour and look at that patty. Is that something you’d want in your burger? Hell, it’s not even something I’d want by itself. It’s a 2/10 for presentation and to be honest, the texture matches it. It’s dry, mealy and somewhat mashable – sort of like a badly made flapjack. The outside looks crunchy but it’s more like dehydrated mud. All of Tesco’s patties that I’ve had so far in my life have this cakey texture which, if you’ve ever ordered a fucking burger (or you know, if you just have taste buds), you know is not a quality you want in a patty. After drowning it in veganaise and throwing it in a wrap, it’s just about edible but if you eat this thing solo you may as well have just had grit. Not grits like the fun veggies but grit.

I know having a “vegetable” patty compared to one that looks like meat is sometimes controversial and polarising but I personally like it. I like seeing what veggies are in my burger and you CAN see some avocado in here. Doesn’t mean you can taste it for shit though. Similarly, the peanuts? They literally add nothing to it. The flavours are more or less the same as any other Tesco burger (i.e. bland.) but now with added anaphylaxis for those who are anti-nut. That is to say, there’s nothing really offensive about the taste because it’s non-fuckin’-existent. There’s just nothing there. If cardboard and cornmeal was a taste – Tesco have nailed it… Also, just as a side note to add a turd to a turd mountain, it cooks in 27 minutes. TWENTY SEVEN. WHAT IS THIS, THE GREAT FAMINE?! WHY DOES MY SHIT FOOD TAKE SO LONG TO COOK.

So, now that I feel I’ve made a calm, well though-out and eloquent discussion without any bias to one side or the other, let’s score it. Well, as you can see from the frozen hockey pucks above, it doesn’t resemble any burger I’ve fucking seen. Taste? Bland. Texture? Sahara Desert.

• My Rating: 1/5
• Omnivore Score: 0/5
• Overall: 0.5/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s

Contains: Wheat, Soya

Free from: Nuts, Palm Oil

MORE cold cuts! Chorizo slices this week because 1- I’ve never seen these on the shelves before and 2- apparently seitan is some kinda mega protein and actually real good for vegans. If you were gonna choose this chorizo for your seitanic needs though, just don’t. The fact it’s £2.50 for like 5 THIN bitch slices of what is, at best, a sandwich filler already puts it fairly low down my list.

Every time I’ve tried seitan, it’s always the same damn thing. I don’t know if I’m doing it wrong or if seitan is just not for me but I’ve always found it’s… soggy. It’s wet, it’s floppy and usually a bit chunky kinda like what damp bread feels like. This is essentially what Wheaty are offering. The slices are a little leathery (think like thin steak slice, not grandma’s purse) which does add a fair bit of texture, but other than that they’re kind of oily and very sloppy to handle… Which isn’t that far off from real chorizo I guess. It doesn’t suffer from feeling plastic like some other companies but it’s very clearly reconstituted bits and closer to dirt cheap abattoir salami than chorizo.

The main thing with chorizo is obviously the spice. It’s got a lil heat, a lil chilli oil a lil flavour, it’s pretty on point. Other than that though, there’s not really much there for flavour. Just a few drops of tobasco on a cheap wheat gluten discs, not worth the money and definitely not worth that “greasy mouth” aftertaste you get from a bad Chinese. 2/10, would not recommend.

Would I buy this again? Um, probably not. The price is one thing, the mouthful of nasty chip fat after is another and then the fact that there’s just not anything special about it all means it’s a no. And to answer the qualifying question, does this pass for real chorizo? Feck no.

• My Rating: 1.5/5
• Omnivore Score: 1/5
• Overall: 2/5

Find this product at: Planet Organic, Whole Foods, Ocado and other health stores