Category: Desserts

FOOD FOR TOOTHLESS VEGAN

SEND HELP I AM REALLY FUCKING HIGH AND THERE ARE LESS THEETH IN MY SKULL.

WHAT AM I GOING TO EAT????

FUCKING  JELLY AND ICECREAM MOTHERFUCKERS.

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Don’t do drugs, children

STEP ONE: Swedish Glace Vanilla. 2 scoops.

STEP THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN BEFORE ONE: Two pots of Hartley’s raspberry jelly, chopped up into a bowl.

Throw that shit together, things are about to get delcisious.

If you, like me, h\ve ever had your wisdom teeth out then you know. Yknow? yes.

Gotta be all the soft. Very cold. MMM ice ice baby.

Jelly? 10/10. So wibbly. So wobbly. So raspberry. No dead cow bones yay thank you.

Ice cream? fucking YEAH. Smooth vanillary vanillaness super smooth and cold. Fuck yo cow milk. just. FUCK IT. WE DON”T NEED YOU. *HUGS TUB OF SWEDISH GLACE AND POSSIBLY ASKS FOR ITS HAND IN MARRIAGE*

  • My Rating: 10/10
  • Omnivore Score: yes
  • Overall: my face hurts
by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Millionaire’s Dessert

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Contains: palm oil, soya 

Free from: nuts, wheat

I SAID I WAS DONE WITH TESCO’S CHILLED DESSERTS. WELL, GUESS WHAT. I FUCKING LIED.

And you know what?

I’M GLAD I DID.

I have pretty much hated all the chilled desserts Tesco have pumped out because they all taste overwhelmingly of coconut and that shit does not fly with me.

THIS, however, is a game changer.

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It doesn’t look like much, but this NON-COCONUTTY coconut-based dessert is rich, smooth, and has the perfect chocolate:biscuit:caramel ratio. The top layer of dark chocolate mousse is dense enough to make you feel like you didn’t pay £1.50 for three unsatisfying spoonfuls of pudding, but light enough that you forget that ONE POT CONTAINS 59% OF YOUR DAILY SATURATES (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). FIFTY FUCKING NINE. I know we’re the Junkfood Punks but WHAT THE HELL, TESCO?!

The biscuit layer is exactly the same as that of Tesco’s Free-From Cheesecake. It is still that weak, crumbly chaos we have come to expect; the difference here is that because it isn’t supposedly a weight-bearing “base” you can look past its structural insufficiencies and just enjoy the flaky shortbread as it is.

At the very bottom of this child-size pot you’ll find the salted caramel sauce. It’s alright.

…

Seriously the caramel sauce is just kinda… caramel sauce. Like, great, you remembered to put it in AND it doesn’t taste like coconut but I’m not giving you a round of applause for something painfully average. It’s not quite as “luxurious” and “indulgent” as Tesco’s marketing team would have you believe.

All in all, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised and actually really enjoyed this dessert. Nice one, Tesco. But still, at £1.50 a pot and with 59% of my daily saturates in one serving, I think I’ll just skip dessert and go straight to the wine instead.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Tesco.

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Rice Pudding with Strawberry

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Free from: gluten, nuts, palm oil, soy

Let’s get one thing straight: I am so fucking done with Tesco’s dairy-alternative desserts.

Why am I so done? THEY ALL. TASTE. LIKE GODDAMN. COCONUT.

I feel like I’ve said this a million times. It’s like they bulk-bought a dick tonne of coconut milk and went “ah crap, how are we gonna get through all of this?!” then some genius in marketing suggested they make a range of refrigerated dairy-free desserts out of it, but no one stopped to check that each individual dessert actually tasted like it was supposed to.

THIS IS NOT RICE PUDDING AS YOU KNOW IT.

It is not creamy, but clumpy. Instead of a smooth homey dessert with soft grains of rice scattered through each spoonful, it’s more like “one lump or two?” and you can bet your ass there won’t be any other flavour than goddamn coconut.

Clearly, this is why the strawberry compote exists.

Hiding at the bottom of the barrel, lumpy and lurking, waiting for your spoon to dive deep enough to catch some and cut the awful taste of the rice pudding with what one would expect to be a sweet berry relief…

Nope. The compote or whatever the hell it is they pumped in there before slopping the pudding on top is just as dull as the rest of it.

I feel betrayed to be honest. I thought the strawberry could save it. It was at this point I lost all hope.

My serving suggestion for this dessert? Throw it in the fucking bin.

That’s £1.25 and five minutes of my life that I’m never getting back.

  • My Rating: 0/5
  • Omnivore Score: 0/5
  • Overall: 0/5

Find this product at Tesco, but for fucks sake don’t buy it.

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Blackcurrant Cheese Cakes

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Contains: palm oil

Free From: nuts, soy, gluten

“VEGAN CHEESECAKE?! Sign me the fuck up.” -me, in Tesco

“What in the HELL KIND OF SICK GAME ARE THEY PLAYING?!” -me, after eating this plastic cup of disappointment

This shit is not cheesecake. It is coconut pudding desperately masquerading as something that could maybe be perceived as cheesecake by someone who has never seen or tried cheesecake ever in their life.

cheeseless cake

THE BASE. This is not a biscuit base. This is a soft, flaky catastrophe. Theresa May would stay the hell away because this base sure ain’t strong and stable.

THE “CAKE”. What even are you doing, Tesco? Fuck off. Fuck off right now. You have made me SAD. This has in no way got the texture or tang of cheesecake. It was sweet as anything, and tasted of straight up coconut.

THE BLACKCURRANT COMPOTE. Okay yeah actually this bit was alright. Probably the saving grace of this whole monstrosity to be honest. Without the compote I would have abandoned all hope, but this made it bearable because it helped mask the overwhelming taste of coconut.

Look, this thing doesn’t taste bad by any means but it definitely does not taste like cheesecake. Tesco, just give it to us straight. Call it a “coconut dessert with blackcurrant compote” and I wouldn’t complain, because each element actually tastes quite good. Don’t be all deceiving with this “cheesecake” bullshit.

(The following scores are based on the fact that I spent £1.70 on NOT CHEESECAKE. MY HOPES AND DREAMS WERE CRUSHED.)

  • My Rating: 2/5
  • Omnivore Score: nope/5
  • Overall: 2/5

Find this product at: Tesco

by georgiamadness

Tesco’s Chocolate and Hazelnut Churros

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Contains: Gluten, Nuts

Free from: Palm Oil, Soy

A favourite at festivals and fairs, nothing beats the warmth of a chocolate churro and for £2 you can have 12 mini ones in the freezer. Currently one of the only churro options available, these quick-fix puddings are a Tesco exclusive that can be found in the frozen section.

Crunchy yet doughy, hard on the outside and soft on the in. These are the typical textures I associate with the churro and something that Tesco’s own has undoubtedly satisfied for me. They’re golden brown and ridged for your pleasure; this product ticks all the boxes for appearance except one: their size. Sure, they’re definitely mini and the small doughnut torpedoes leave you wishing there was simply more of it.

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Trying the churro in it’s purest form (plain), I found it rich, warm and having that slight doughy-yet-crunchy quality that really ties it all together. A huge bonus here is that cinnamon sugar comes included. It’s always a great companion for these treats and in this case they compliment the flavours and textures perfectly. The other typical accompaniment for a churro is chocolate sauce, and here lies my one qualm. There’s a lot less churro “body” as the centre is filled out with “chocolate sauce”. It wasn’t the same as the thick, rich drizzle I’d used. Instead, it was as if chocolate had existed there at some point but recently vacated the space, leaving behind a thin coating of chocolate and sadness. Adding your own on top undoubtedly helps.

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I’d say it definitely passes on the omnivore question. It’s crunchy and rich enough to earn a high rating from me but its size and its lack of actual chocolate centre is a bit of a disappointment. Using the cinnamon sugar provided also helps bump its score, and I wouldn’t hold back on using it. Melting your own chocolate sauce to dunk or drizzle is definitely a recommendation. To sum up, Tesco have produced a great freezer filler here for a great price, though my issue with the size and sauciness means it’ll be an irregular buy.

  • My Rating: 3/5
  • Omnivore Score: 5/5
  • Overall: 4/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s

by Ryan