Contains: Wheat, Soya

Free from: Palm Oil, Nuts

Most of you have probably seen Vivera hit the shelves and we at JFP have already done a review or two about their stuff but they make SO. MANY. DIFFERENT. THINGS. And what kind of a blog would we be if we didn’t try them all? Although kebabs in the UK are almost exclusively eaten between 1 & 4 AM (when, let’s face it, you’re abso-fkn-lutely too piss drunk to care about taste), this is not that kind of meal. Plus it’s not exactly good drunk food if you’ve got to turn the fucking hob on. At that point you’re basically cooking a dinner. Another issue is cost. Vivera, for all the right you do in the world, why do you cost so much? Can I buy your products on finance with monthly installments (now available with 1,325% APR)?

The above photo was one packet. Now, either you’re calling me a fat shit (it’s fine, I only cry on the inside) or that is NOT enough for one person, nor is it worth that obscene £2… It looks a lot more appealing than your average frozen goods and, to be honest, it smells a hell of a lot better too. Chuck it in the pan and the spices literally ooze out of this thing, I felt like some 80s cartoon being floating in, seduced by the scent of a pie (slutty, slutty pie). If you’re still thinking of your burger cart pisshead kebab, I cannot stress how different this tastes. It will blow your tits off. It’s not necessarily the best thing I’ve ever eaten, but the spice and the meatiness of it is so damn good, all without being overly greasy or looking horrifically unappealing.

“Wow, this sounds great, there must be something wrong with it though?” And there is, Kevin! Texture. Whoever made this has never had food, I’m 99% sure of this. It’s… spongy. It’s… soft. There’s something peculiar about it, it’s not offensive but it’s just not quite right. Again, not necessarily bad but it’s not a kebab and whilst it’s not gonna make you question what it is you’re putting in your mouth or plague your entire meal, it’s definitely something you notice.

So how does it hold up to the real thing? It’s not the shittest kebab I’ve ever had (and if you have had a burger cart kebab, you’ll think that’s not saying much but it genuinely is quite good) and I definitely give it points. 4 to be exact. In terms of likeness to the real thing? You could put it in an omni’s meal but they sure as shit won’t believe it’s meat, let’s put it that way.

• My Rating: 4/5
• Omnivore Score: 2/5
• Overall: 3/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s and select Sainsbury’s stores.

Contains: Soya

Free from: Wheat, Palm Oil, nuts

So this is even more ambiguous than your run of the mill vegan fast food (whether it be “strips” or “bits” or “chunks”)… This is just pulled Oumph. As someone who’s pulled their Oumph plenty of times throughout their early teens, I sure fucking hope this is different. ANYWAY, it’s one of a few of Oumph!’s frozen options to hit the supermarket shelves and at £2 a pack (typically does two meals or one if you lack self control like we do at JFP) I had to give it a try.

First things first: picture pulled pork in your mind. What do you think? Maybe some saucy sweetness, some stringy and shredded chunks of flesh? Well, as you can see from the above images it’s abso-fuckin-lutely not what Oumph provides us… Or is it?

I was SHOCKED when I first brought out what appeared to be frozen balls of ketchup and tofu but then I started cooking it. Give it a few minutes and before long you’re drooling at the good ol’ smell of smokey BBQ. As the Oumph thaws, it looks less like sad KFC reject and more like the classic pulled goodness you just wanna shove in your mouth. 10/10 for smells and sights. Would recommend to a friend.

Texture is there too. It’s exactly what you want from pulled something. Fine and chunky in all the right places (I’m not frustrated, I promise) with just enough “bite” to make you really wonder if you grabbed the right pack from the frozen section. It’s not grainy, it’s not some clear vegetable substitute. The sauce is a bit much so it CAN feel a bit gloopy but honestly? Ithought I’d fucked up here but no, it’s all plant based, my pals, but you wouldn’t know it even if I told you.

The taste? Just as spot on. Welllll… Maybe the BBQ is a little strong (it is all you can smell) and maybe the “meat” is a bit bland by comparison, but am I complaining? Absolutely not. Together they somehow work and whilst it might be a bit overpowering on its own, chuck that shit in a sandwich and say goodbye to your bank account and waistline.

Scores speak for themselves, my pals.

• My rating: 5/5

• Omnivore score: 4/5
• Overall score: 4.5/5

Available at: Tescos

Contains: Wheat

Free from: Nuts, Soya, Palm Oil

Venturing outside our world of patties, hotdogs and sausages – I’m trying Quorn BBQ Strips… What is a  strip, you say? Get me enough drink and I’ll show you haaaaaa… (but seriously, I don’t know). Anyway… Quorn have been coming out with vegan things left, right and centre in the past year and this just sounded like something I had to try. You can squeeze out two meals from a single £2.50 bag so it’s not horrendously priced but are you willing to fork that much out for “mystery strips”? Well, you fuckin’ should.

First off – what’s with every Quorn product looking like it came out of a Play-Doh fun factory? They don’t look great out the pack and I didn’t have high hopes at first… but then, once the pan had heated up a bit, the smell hit. Think McDonald’s BBQ sauce. Now imagine just the smell of that dominating EVERYTHING but in the best kind of way, like Ronald McD’s own brand cologne. They come out actually looking edible and less like Colgate’s newest and least welcome flavoured toothpaste and still smelling 10/10. If at this point you’re worrying they’ve overdone the flavouring, don’t because they haven’t. Even though it smells like heaven-on-fucking-high, the taste isn’t as overpowering. It’s not one of those where you have to spice it before hand or where you wish you were eating cardboard instead, no, it’s just damn spot on. A good mix of BBQ, a good mix of… Quorn flavour? Shit, I don’t even know what Quorn’s made of but that taste.

So what’s wrong with it? Is there anything wrong with it? Is this really God’s gift to man? Well, no. The only thing I have wrong with this product (probably linked to my severe lack of knowledge as to what Quorn actually is) is that the texture is like if Spongebob and talcum powder somehow had the most disfigured and mangled child (has science gone too far?). It just crumbles, falls apart and then mushes a bit in your mouth whilst somehow also sucking all the moisture out of it at once. I know that sounds like the worst thing in the world, but I wouldn’t discount these bad boys just yet. I’m convinced that it’s nothing a little sauce couldn’t fix because the taste is all there, Quorn just need to do something about their weird, compressed ‘shroom… stuff.

I really, really want to be able to answer the omnivore question but I don’t know what the fuck an omni strip is… Chicken? Well… this is definitely not fucking chicken unless it’s that pink goop they use to make nuggets. Steak? We were closer with pink goop. So for my actual rating? I’d give it a solid 4. Real good shit. Omnivore score? It actually has to be a 0 (but honestly it tastes good enough just feed it to them anyway).

• My Rating: 4/5
• Omnivore Score: 0/5
• Overall: 5/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s, Sainsbury’s, Morrison’s, Ocado and ASDA.

Contains: Wheat, Soya, Nuts

Free from: Palm Oil

Fucking love peanuts. Pretty damn fond of avocado. Mix them together and what do you get? Literally the most inedible thing on this whole planet of Earth. Tesco’s patties have always been underwhelming if I’m honest (WHY do I keep doing this to myself) but I figured 1. I’d risk it for the blog and 2. One of our resident omnivores suggested it (fucking omnivores. What do they know, am I right?).

Do me a favour and look at that patty. Is that something you’d want in your burger? Hell, it’s not even something I’d want by itself. It’s a 2/10 for presentation and to be honest, the texture matches it. It’s dry, mealy and somewhat mashable – sort of like a badly made flapjack. The outside looks crunchy but it’s more like dehydrated mud. All of Tesco’s patties that I’ve had so far in my life have this cakey texture which, if you’ve ever ordered a fucking burger (or you know, if you just have taste buds), you know is not a quality you want in a patty. After drowning it in veganaise and throwing it in a wrap, it’s just about edible but if you eat this thing solo you may as well have just had grit. Not grits like the fun veggies but grit.

I know having a “vegetable” patty compared to one that looks like meat is sometimes controversial and polarising but I personally like it. I like seeing what veggies are in my burger and you CAN see some avocado in here. Doesn’t mean you can taste it for shit though. Similarly, the peanuts? They literally add nothing to it. The flavours are more or less the same as any other Tesco burger (i.e. bland.) but now with added anaphylaxis for those who are anti-nut. That is to say, there’s nothing really offensive about the taste because it’s non-fuckin’-existent. There’s just nothing there. If cardboard and cornmeal was a taste – Tesco have nailed it… Also, just as a side note to add a turd to a turd mountain, it cooks in 27 minutes. TWENTY SEVEN. WHAT IS THIS, THE GREAT FAMINE?! WHY DOES MY SHIT FOOD TAKE SO LONG TO COOK.

So, now that I feel I’ve made a calm, well though-out and eloquent discussion without any bias to one side or the other, let’s score it. Well, as you can see from the frozen hockey pucks above, it doesn’t resemble any burger I’ve fucking seen. Taste? Bland. Texture? Sahara Desert.

• My Rating: 1/5
• Omnivore Score: 0/5
• Overall: 0.5/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s

Contains: Wheat, Soya

Free from: Nuts, Palm Oil

MORE cold cuts! Chorizo slices this week because 1- I’ve never seen these on the shelves before and 2- apparently seitan is some kinda mega protein and actually real good for vegans. If you were gonna choose this chorizo for your seitanic needs though, just don’t. The fact it’s £2.50 for like 5 THIN bitch slices of what is, at best, a sandwich filler already puts it fairly low down my list.

Every time I’ve tried seitan, it’s always the same damn thing. I don’t know if I’m doing it wrong or if seitan is just not for me but I’ve always found it’s… soggy. It’s wet, it’s floppy and usually a bit chunky kinda like what damp bread feels like. This is essentially what Wheaty are offering. The slices are a little leathery (think like thin steak slice, not grandma’s purse) which does add a fair bit of texture, but other than that they’re kind of oily and very sloppy to handle… Which isn’t that far off from real chorizo I guess. It doesn’t suffer from feeling plastic like some other companies but it’s very clearly reconstituted bits and closer to dirt cheap abattoir salami than chorizo.

The main thing with chorizo is obviously the spice. It’s got a lil heat, a lil chilli oil a lil flavour, it’s pretty on point. Other than that though, there’s not really much there for flavour. Just a few drops of tobasco on a cheap wheat gluten discs, not worth the money and definitely not worth that “greasy mouth” aftertaste you get from a bad Chinese. 2/10, would not recommend.

Would I buy this again? Um, probably not. The price is one thing, the mouthful of nasty chip fat after is another and then the fact that there’s just not anything special about it all means it’s a no. And to answer the qualifying question, does this pass for real chorizo? Feck no.

• My Rating: 1.5/5
• Omnivore Score: 1/5
• Overall: 2/5

Find this product at: Planet Organic, Whole Foods, Ocado and other health stores

Contains: Wheat, Soya

Free from: Nuts, Palm Oil

I’m going to throw a spanner in our Christmas line-up because it’s happened. The holy grail of veganism: BEEF FECKIN’ JERKY! (With somewhat less emphasis on the beef). Not that it’s exactly a daily go to for meat eaters, but it’s one of the few things I never expected to see on shelves. You know what stirs my loins even more? They have a selection of flavours. Jack Link’s ain’t got shit on us. There’s a fair few from Teriyaki to Mesquite Lime but I went with Hickory Smoked ‘cause if I’m gonna do this, you bet I’m doing this right (that and I don’t actually know what a mesquite is). It’s also crazy expensive. Not in a “wow, that’s a lot of money in one go” way, but in a “THIS IS AFFORDABLE… but where are they hiding the rest?” way. For one. measly. miserable. strip of jerky, you’re looking at £1.75. That’s right, that’s all you get. Daylight fucking robbery.

First thing I notice taking the jerky out of its sleeve is it’s… wet? Jerky I expect to be a little sticky like honey or thick molasses but this was almost like it was freshly basted and needed to be wiped down before eating and before you ask, I am a solid 80% sure it didn’t need cooking before hand. But the texture? Oh good god the texture. Merry Christmas indeed, Santa, you tricky bastard. It was more or less everything I was looking for. Tough and chewy like leather of an old woman’s handbag – it IS jerky. It was thick and has substance to it that you have to bite and rip like it’s the pin of a hand grenade, what more could you honestly want? Well, maybe it’s not quite as chewy as the real deal but it’s pretty damn close.

It was pretty bang on with taste too. It was s-s-s-mokey with a capital S, a little sweet and v sticky. You know what I mean, that good ol’ combo of honey smoke and bbq that just gets me frothing at the mouth. There’s not exactly much to it, it’s not more-ish or rich – just the bare essentials: hard compacted soy coated in a marinade. It literally could not go wrong.

VERDICT: Meh. It scores pretty damn high for authenticity, it’s just like the real thing (if a bit damp, but I’ve never complained about moisture) and considering jerky/biltong and other preserved meats aren’t exactly strong in flavour, it’s pretty spot on there too. That said, even by those standards it lacks in flavour a little bit and the fact that you get ONE. DAMN. STICK. really brings it down for me.

• My Rating: 3/5
• Omnivore Score: 5/5
• Overall: 4/5

Find this product at: Planet Organic, Whole Foods and other health stores

Contains: Wheat, Soya, Nuts

Free from: Palm Oil

Even MORE festive foods for you guys because we eat a roast every week so you don’t have to. I’ve never had a nut roast because, to be honest, it sounds dry. It sounds like the driest, mealiest thing you could possibly put in your mouth. HOWEVER, it was £3.50, part of Tesco’s freshly released festive range and I figured it’s Christmas, I’ll go into this with an open mind.

Forgetting the fact that I already think nut roasts are shit, look at the unhealthily pale puck above. Like your throat after you’ve had a night out and smoked too much. Even the vegetables in it look depressing. Trying to scrape it off the tray just causes it to break and skidmark across and the way it mushes around really isn’t appealing. But when it comes to actually eating it? Everything changed. The texture was soft and moist on the inside, a little crusty on the outside. It was almost a little cakey but also filled with nutty chunks and bits of soft vegetable. I don’t think I’ve ever been so wrong about something from the get go (and I am wrong a lot). 10/10 points for festive wholesomeness in texture.

It just tastes homey. It tastes warm and welcoming, even to my cold Grinch heart. It’s stupid to say, yes, but it is nutty. It’s like eating a handful of warm nuts with a few spices in there, which is still really pleasant but not on say, Linda’s level. You can also definitely taste the cranberry though and the soft carrot bits. It just adds a different layer to the texture as well so you’re not sat with a mouthful of nuts all the time.

Is it good? So f*king good I went for seconds. Is it something I’d want at Christmas? No. It’s not really visually appealing and to be honest, there are so many other festive options out there that blow this out the fucking water. It can taste as nice as it wants but I’d rather have nothing but sprouts than look at that on my plate on Christmas day.

• My Rating: 4/5
• Omnivore Score: 1/5
• Overall: 2.5/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s