Author: georgiamadness

Fry’s Family Soy and Quinoa Country Roast

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Contains: soy, wheat

Free from: nuts, palm oil

If I’ve gotta slave over the oven and an actual meal to prove to you fuckers that this roast is the god damn best thing to grace the Christmas vegan scene THEN I FUCKING WILL.

I know that Ryan and I are absolute Linda McCartney sluts, but hear me out: Fry’s Family Food are knocking it out of the park AND they are completely vegan so there’s no risk of picking up one of their products, shovelling it into your mouth, and then later finding out it contains milk/cheese/honey/general non-vegan sadness.

frys family soy roast

I even made roast potatoes to prove my fucking point. This. Shit. Is. DELICIOUS.

It’s not supposed to be a mock meat, but the closest thing you can liken it to would be meatloaf. OKAY, OKAY, I KNOW, BUT BEAR WITH  ME HERE.

It is super moist and doesn’t have any weird chewiness or questionable texture, and is very flavoursome on its own which is impressive for what is essentially a brick-sized slab of soy.

It is meaty enough to throw back to the omni days of roast dinners (if you had them) but not too meaty as to be so questionable that it’s off putting. It also goes super fucking well with cranberry sauce and gravy, and rest assured I smothered that shit all over my meal because there is no dignity in how to properly consume a roast dinner. Pile it high, gravy it the fuck up, and eat like it’s your last meal. It is the only way.

The roast costs about £5 and serves three normal humans or two greedy bastards (a.k.a 2 of me) which is pretty fuckin ace considering other vegan roasts such as Tofurky are way more pricey, and the quality alone is a massive payoff.

Would I feed it to my omni pals? I mean, I could. It quite clearly is not meat but it’s nowhere near the realm of being branded as “weird vegan shit”. It’s the kinda thing you could serve them if you’ve gone to effort of cooking them an entire meal and they literally have zero right to be an obnoxious pain in the ass. Eat the roast and shut up, Alan, you fucking prick. (I don’t know an Alan, but I feel like if I did he’d be one of those “where-do-vegans-get-their-protein” assholes)

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 3/5
  • Overall –  4/5

Find this product at: Holland and Barrett, Ocado

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Cheese with Peppercorns

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Contains: soy

Free from: wheat, palm oil, nuts

Do you want to try a cheese that will punch you square in the fucking face? No? Me either. But I did. Because SCIENCE. And also because it is the latest addition to the free-from coconut alternative cheese range at Tesco, so how could I refuse?

This is a different cheese than the ones we have come to know and love (or hate… the jury seems to be hung on Tesco cheese). It is much softer, creamier, and a little bit wetter than the cheddar or blue block cheeses that Tesco has to offer. It reminds me a hell of a lot of goats cheese, but without the offensive sour tang that I used to fucking despise.

The cheese itself has a nice peppery undertone but HOLY MOTHER OF GOD the peppercorn crust will kick you in the teeth and spit in your bleeding mouth. It is so ridiculously intensely peppery I can only imagine that the food techs of Tesco sat in a room and said “let’s fuck em up”. The worst part is the crust is at the BOTTOM of the packet… hidden… waiting… ready to strike.

I won’t lie to ya, I manhandled my cheese. I grabbed that fucker and scraped off as much of the godforsaken crust as I could. Only then did I actually get to enjoy it without fear of my tongue being turned to ash.

This is one of those things you would buy if you were putting together some fancy-ass cheeseboard at a dinner party you’re hosting to fool yourself and your friends into thinking you’re some sort of upper-class twat.

“Oh Deborah darling do try the peppercorn cheese… it’ll blow your fuckin tits off.”

I think the fuck not. There are peppercorns in my teeth that will be there til I die.

However, I will say that despite the satanic crust the cheese itself is top notch. It would be awesome if Tesco released a range of new cheeses based on this style to add a bit more variety to their already kick-ass free from aisle. It’s one of the few cheeses on their shelves that I would confidently say you could feed an omni with next to no complaints or comments about “real cheese” (seriously, fucking spare me).

So, it’s a bit of a tough one to score this week, so I’m gonna go on the average of how impressive the cheese is and how much peppercorn related regret I have.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Tesco

 

 

by georgiamadness

Raw Food Rosie’s Original Classic Cashew Brie

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Contains: nuts

Free from: palm oil, wheat, soy

I found Raw Food Rosie’s stall at VegFest London 2017 and it was hands down the best find of the whole festival.

I tried EVERY. SINGLE. CHEESE. (because I am a shameless and broke student) and not a single one disappointed. Seriously, the Vampire Slayer spreadable cheese blew my fucking brains out it packed such a punch.

I bought the original cashew brie because I’m a sucker for the good ol’ classics and it is one of my favourite vegan cheeses ever (if not one of my favourite cheeses ever in general).

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JUST LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE. THIS SHIT IS FANTASTIC.

It’s solid, but creamy. Apply a little pressure or let it sit at room temperature and it will spread like butter. It’s thick and rich and filling and literally everything you could want in a cheese. It makes it so diverse – you could eat this on crackers, in sandwiches, in a pasta dish… or you could sink to my level and just hack at it like a mad woman and eat it straight from the wrapping.

Price-wise it’s one of the more reasonably priced ‘artisanal’ vegan cheese at £5.50 a wheel, and it can be frozen which means you have no excuse to not dedicate an entire freezer drawer to fulfilling your cheese needs (just me? alrighty then…).

If you wanna crack this out for your omni friends and family (if you have the willpower to part with it) then it would go down pretty well compared with supermarket takes on vegan cheese. It’s much more flavoursome but in the right way, and the texture is fucking perfect.

My only issue is that I wouldn’t necessarily call this a “brie” because that makes me think of a thick white rind and soft gooey centre, which this cheese definitely does not have. As a generic mild, semi-creamy cheese though you will struggle to find anything better than this and definitely not at a better price.

Overall, it’s fucking ace.

  • My Rating – 5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4.5/5

Find this product at: http://www.rawfoodrosies.com/shop/

by georgiamadness

VegFest London 2017 – The Good, the Very Good, and the HOLY SHIT THAT’S GOOD

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The Worst Photo Ever Taken at a Food Festival

Contains: a shitload of free samples and a fuckload of people

Free From: You’d think it’d be free from meat eaters but some dude selling soup chatted to me about how he went back to being omni so there’s that 

VegFest London 2017 had the biggest turnout to date, and it was fucking awesome.

There were international vendors set up throughout the exhibition centre, selling everything from pizza slices to lamps made from Himalayan salt.

Being a poor student I obviously went with the intention of scoring as many free samples as I could, and good GOD I was not disappointed. I managed to eat so much free shit I didn’t need to buy food to eat while I wandered around – which I was actually disappointed about because the food hall was INCREDIBLE … though this did save me from the ridiculous waiting times that hit around midday (the queue for Jake’s Vegan Steaks was easily half an hour long the whole time I was there).

Fortunately there was also booze. Booze with no queues. A no-queues booze cruise. (Don’t be deceived, there was no cruising. I only had half a mango-flavoured cider because someone  – cough, RYAN, cough – passed his plague on to me.)

So here’s a little roundup of the vendors that stood out based on the free samples I snagged and those that coerced me into buying their wares. Fair warning, there may have been a bias towards cheese-related goods…

 

Alternative Stores

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A fucking incredible online store (with an actual shop based in Newcastle) that sells damn near anything and everything you could dream of. Whipped cream to tofu presses, Quinoa Puffs to shoes – you name it they’ve got it (and the people that run it are the SWEETEST HUMAN BEINGS ALIVE).

http://www.alternativestores.com/vegan-vegetarian-shopping/

 

Ananda’s Marshmallows

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Marshmallows and biscuits and everything smothered in chocolate… holy fucking shit I swear to god this stall was heaven. I picked up four of their Round Up biscuits and I wish I’d bought the whole damn table because they are fucking ace.

https://www.anandafoods.co.uk/

 

Conscious Chocolate

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Photo from consciouschocolate.com

Yas (my long-time friend, fellow vegan, and the person who stopped me spending my entire life savings at VegFest) and I tried some of Conscious Chocolate’s free samples and they were hands down the most flavour-intense, gorgeously rich chocolates we had ever tasted. You’d be a fucking fool to not try these (and an even bigger fool to not remember to go back to their stall and buy an actual bar GOD DAMMIT).

http://www.consciouschocolate.com/

 

Love Seitan

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Photo from loveseitan.com

I fucking love how their tagline is “probably the best seitan in the world”. It’s like, “we don’t wanna brag, also there’s a fuckload of seitan out there so I mean statistically maybe not but like we’re pretty damn good so at least top ten. Definitely top ten. Stretching for top five.” Taglines aside, their seitan is pretty fucking awesome, especially the chilli and italian flavours. If, like me, you’re a lazy motherfucker and every time you get off your ass and attempt to make seitan it turns out like a chewy leathery catastrophe then you should definitely check these guys out.

https://www.loveseitan.com/

 

Ms Cupcake

ms cupcake
Photo from mscupcake.co.uk

Anyone who knows vegan sweet treats knows Ms Cupcake. They are some of the damn finest cakes, cookies, and bakes the vegan world has to offer. I picked up one of their red velvet cookie sandwiches (on the right in the photo) for my omni sister and holy shit it was good. You could feel the cavities forming, it was that full of sugary goodness.

http://www.mscupcake.co.uk/

 

New Roots

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New Roots is a Swiss company that do bloody INCREDIBLE cashew cheeses. They’ve got a camembert, cream cheese, and a ricotta as well as loads of other flavours of classic cashew cheese to choose from. I tried their brand new Free the Goat Cheeze which is their take on ricotta and holy shit they are killing it. Definitely a company to keep an eye out for.

https://www.newroots.ch/

 

Raw Food Rosie’s

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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think I’ve found my favourite vegan cheese. Raw Food Rosie’s cheeses are jam-packed full of flavour that kicks you in the teeth, punches you in the throat, and keeps you coming back for more. Their Vampire Slayer cream cheese? Holy fuck. I went away with one of their original classic bries which I will definitely be reviewing soon. For an artisanal cheese their prices are RIDICULOUSLY GOOD and if Yas wasn’t with me to drag me away I would have gladly spent all my money on every flavour of cheese they had to offer.

http://www.rawfoodrosies.com/

 

 

Vegetarian Caviar Club

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Photo from vegcaviar.com

Now I think I only ever tried real caviar once in my life and knowing what it was made the whole experience pretty fucking unpleasant. But THIS I can get on board with. It’s made with sea weed and looks like the real deal. I tried the “salmon” and Yas tried the “wasabi” and both of us were pleasantly surprised by this stuff. When I get good enough at making sushi that it doesn’t end up looking like a bastardisation of those ridiculous instagram “buddha bowls” splayed across my kitchen counter then I will definitely grab a jar of veggie caviar to finesse my sushi rolls.

http://www.vegcaviar.com/

 

 

Tyne Chease

tyne chease
Photo from tynechease.com

Yas had the joy of going to university t’up North so she had already tried Tyne Chease before VegFest and told me about how bloody good it is. She was not wrong. I basically stood at their stall for a good 10 minutes tasting EVERY. SINGLE. SAMPLE. Tyne Chease has literally mastered integrating flavours into their cheeses. They are iconic. My only qualm was that a wheel of their cheese was almost £3 more expensive than some of the other cheeses around (eg. Raw Food Rosie) and as a student that pinches just a little too much to justify it…. especially as someone who could easily eat one whole wheel in one sitting. Would it be weird to put cheese on my Christmas list?

https://www.tynechease.com/

 

Verys

 

verys cheese

Last but DEFINITELY not least is Verys. Those charismatic Italians drew us in and left us with the some mozarella cheese and the goddamn best ravioli I have had in years. I could have cried (granted I was very hungover when I ate mine, but the sentiment still stands). The only problem is I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHERE TO BUY THEM. Their leaflet says they are available on The Vegan Kind Supermarket website but I have scoured and found absolutely fuck all. My heart is broken. Send help. I need this pasta in my life. If you ever come across Verys products BUY THEM. BUY THEM NOW. And send me some while you’re at it…

https://www.verys.it/en/

 

 

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Rocky Road Bites

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Contains: palm oil, soy

Free from: nuts, wheat

I bloody love rocky road. I don’t give a fuck about you sultana-hating purists, rocky road is the shit and I will fight you. The worst part about most free-from rocky road bites is that they are sneakily non-vegan. Seriously, why the fuck would you go to all that effort to make something gluten free, egg free, AND dairy free to then be like “LOL they still got gelatin in ’em tho”. It’s a sick and cruel joke.

FORTUNATELY the ever-reliable Tesco decided to not be sick and cruel bastards and bestowed upon us a tiny tub of terrible tarmac goodness (get it? Terrible tarmac… Rocky road… Is this thing on…?).

The downside: it costs £3 for about 12 mini bites. That is like 6 normal human bites and 4 “G is menstruating and determined” bites. Not exactly value for money…

The upside: RICH AND GOOEY CHOCOLATEY GOODNESS INTERSPERSED WITH CRUNCHY BISCUIT, SULTANAS, AND SQUIDGY MARSHMALLOW.

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That’s a pretty big upside if you ask me. So if you have £3 to burn or are in a desperate pit of chocolate-deprived despair, these bite-sized bastards are the tub to tuck into.

Importantly, the chocolate is an easy pass for any omni, so if you feel like 12 tiny bites are just too much for your (weak ass) self to handle you can rest assured that you can share a tub with all your pals.

Or alternatively, get them to try one and realise how fucking good they are… then proceed to eat the rest of the tub in front of them like the rocky road gremlin you are.

Your choice…

  • My Rating – 5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 5/5

Find this product at: Tesco

by georgiamadness

Tesco Free-From Mac and Cheese

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Contains: soy

Free From: wheat, palm oil, nuts

I fucking LOVE mac and cheese. Do you know how long I waited for this shit to hit the shelves?! I grew up on Kraft mac, that real fine shit from a cardboard box, so to be able to have nutritionally lacking quick-cook cheesy goodness back in my life got me all kinds of excited.

As with any ready meal, you feel like a goddamn failure at life with every stab of the plastic film before you pop your culinary delight in the microwave. But it’s okay, because Tesco has gotten real fuckin fancy and thrown some parsley on that shit. So, clearly, not everything in your life has gone to crap because your dinner has some foliage tossed upon it.

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My first question is: what the FUCK? Why is it so watery?!

Kraft mac and cheese was so thick and gooey it was basically a heart attack in a bowl. THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE COULDN’T EVEN BRING ON A BIT OF LIGHT CHEST PAIN.

If I’m gonna spend £3 on a mac and cheese ready meal I at least want it to be so cheesy I regret it.

Once I stopped being dramatic, I gave it a good stir and a long, hard stare and then tucked in (the stare was necessary, I didn’t know if I could trust this weak-ass attempt at comfort food).

It’s fine.

Like, that’s it.

It’s fine.

It’s definitely not thick or cheesy enough, the pasta is noticeably gluten free (sorry celiacs, that’s not a good thing), and it’s weirdly peppery. It’s totally edible, but one of those ready meals that makes your soul a little sad.

It was like going on a date with someone who is really attractive on paper, but then when you meet them they’re the kind of person to argue that – while they totally wouldn’t vote for him themselves – there are some merits of wotsit Hitler being President of the United States.

Yeah, sorry, there won’t be a second date.

  • My Rating – 2.5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 2.5/5
  • Overall – 2.5/5

Find this product at: Tesco

by georgiamadness

FOOD FOR TOOTHLESS VEGAN

SEND HELP I AM REALLY FUCKING HIGH AND THERE ARE LESS THEETH IN MY SKULL.

WHAT AM I GOING TO EAT????

FUCKING  JELLY AND ICECREAM MOTHERFUCKERS.

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Don’t do drugs, children

STEP ONE: Swedish Glace Vanilla. 2 scoops.

STEP THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN BEFORE ONE: Two pots of Hartley’s raspberry jelly, chopped up into a bowl.

Throw that shit together, things are about to get delcisious.

If you, like me, h\ve ever had your wisdom teeth out then you know. Yknow? yes.

Gotta be all the soft. Very cold. MMM ice ice baby.

Jelly? 10/10. So wibbly. So wobbly. So raspberry. No dead cow bones yay thank you.

Ice cream? fucking YEAH. Smooth vanillary vanillaness super smooth and cold. Fuck yo cow milk. just. FUCK IT. WE DON”T NEED YOU. *HUGS TUB OF SWEDISH GLACE AND POSSIBLY ASKS FOR ITS HAND IN MARRIAGE*

  • My Rating: 10/10
  • Omnivore Score: yes
  • Overall: my face hurts
by georgiamadness

Goupie Chocolate Boxes

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Contains: most chocolates contain gluten and soya, some contain nuts.

The worst thing about going vegan 2 and a half years ago was not being able to pick up anything better than a ridiculously dark bar of chocolate from a supermarket when those Cadbury cravings hit. Seriously, have you tried some of that shit? It’s fucking rank.

Being able to get seriously fucking good chocolate delivered to your door is basically my version of heaven (which is good, because that is one place I will definitely not be going). Goupie chocolates taste really luxurious; they’re chewy and have rice crispie style pieces and bits of biscuit to give it a bit of crunch too. It’s literally everything I have ever wanted in a little bite-sized chocolate triangle.

At one point, anyone who came into my room must have thought I was stockpiling for some kind of terrible cocoa shortage because on my bedside table alone I had three boxes – each a different flavour – stacked up ready to be demolished on a midnight rampage.

That’s another thing that’s fucking awesome about Goupie chocolates. They aren’t a vegan company, but they make loads of different flavours that are suitable for vegans and the packaging is clearly labelled (though on the website it’s a little bit confusing… sort it out m8).

I have force-fed these chocolates to omnis and they actually enjoyed them. I live in constant fear that my sister is going to diminish my stash while I’m out of the house, that’s how fucking awesome they are.

Price wise you’re looking at £4 for a big box or £2 for a little baby-size box. To put it in perspective: a baby box can be destroyed in one sitting. A big box will keep you going a little longer.

Seriously, fuck all other vegan chocolate. Goupie reigns supreme for range of flavours, taste, texture, and cute as fuck packaging.

  • My Rating – 5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 5/5

Find Goupie products using the stockist finder: https://goupie.co.uk/stockists/

by georgiamadness

Punk on the Road: Amsterdam Edition

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We all know why you’re thinking of travelling to Dam… for the museums, architecture, and some good old canal tours. So to fuel you through all that sightseeing – because obviously that’ll work up an appetite… some may say it’ll give you the munchies – I’ve hunted down some awesome vegan food joints (joint? what? me? NEVER.) for you to enjoy while visiting one of the most goddamn beautiful cities in the world, and reviewed my top three favourites.

Dophert – Spaarndammerstraat 49-H, 1013 ST Amsterdam

 

Dophert is a cute little cafe near Westerpark. It’s 100% vegan and 100% worth travelling to even if it’s out of your way because they serve up some DAMN FINE food. I struggled to find a decent vegan breakfast in Dam until making the pilgrimage to Dophert.

Stacked blueberry pancakes with agave syrup: These pancakes were fluffy and filling and perfectly golden in colour. It definitely would have been better with more fruit in and around the pancakes, and personally I prefer maple syrup over agave, but overall this sweet sticky stack of pancakey goodness was fucking ace and I actually struggled to finish the whole thing.

The Ultimate Classic Chocolate Milkshake: Let me being by stating a shocking fact: I have not had whipped cream since going vegan 2 and a half years ago. So understandably, I lost my fucking SHIT when this bad boy was put in front of me. It was like something out of a 1950’s American Diner – it was fucking beautiful and chocolatey, piled high with whipped cream, and it even had a goddamn maraschino cherry on top (which I was way too excited about and ate before taking a photo…). And – of fucking course – it tasted as good as it looked.

No-Tuna Sandwich: Breakfast was so good at Dophert I returned for an early lunch the next day. Being too much of a lazy sack of crap, I have never attempted chickpea tuna myself. Dophert’s take on it was good but not quite as fishy as I expected, and to be honest the colour really threw me off. But that didn’t matter as it had thick crusty bread and some nice salady shit to pull it all together, making it overall a decent choice.

Vegan Junk Food Bar – Staringplein 22, 1054 VL Amsterdam

 

The VJFB is near Vondelpark – which you should totally check out, btw – and has been causing a storm on social media. I mean, fucking obviously! Just look at that monstrous burger!

Original VJFB Burger: Hands down the best “beef” patty I’ve ever had. It was thick, juicy and the perfect texture. It came on a soft seeded bun, with shitloads of salad and THREE types of onions on top – crispy, red, and spring – which was all fucking ace but did not make for a structurally sound burger. Be prepared to go a little bit she-wolf while shovelling this beauty into your gob. The cheese, THE FUCKING CHEESE, ugh it was so gooey and amazing… that and the sauce really pulled the whole thing together and made it one of the most omni-friendly burgers I’ve tried.

Parm A San and Truffle Fries: Hooooooly fuck what do we have here?! In theory these should be the TITS but the overpowering truffle flavour and the fact that the “parmesan” is nooch makes it all a bit of a fucking calamity. Don’t get me wrong, it’s tasty but the overwhelming stench of truffle and nooch sticks around for a long-ass time…

Crunchy Golden Seaweed Nuggets: THIS IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER PUT IN MY MOUTH (INCLUDING MULTIPLE EX-BOYFRIENDS). They’re crunchy on the outside, soft and fishy on the inside with a cod like meaty texture. The sea weed sauce is like tartar but BETTER and works perfectly and basically I would live off of this shit if I could.

Mediterranean Cheese Spring Rolls: My brain could not even comprehend what the fuck these were but my stomach was a big fan. Think mozzarella stick on the inside, spring roll on the outside… With the sweet chilli dip it’s like the weirdest but most fucking awesome fusion that really shouldn’t work but really fucking does.

Loaded VJFB Fries: Okay so at this point I’m thinking that fries may be the downfall of the VJFB. The “shawarma meat” is well spiced, and it tastes and feels like kebab meat. Good so far, right? TIME TO TEAR THE FUCKER DOWN. The whole thing was wayyy overloaded with sauce – we’re talking barely any non-soggy fries – and piled up with huge chunks of onions and jalapenos that made everything hard to get at. You don’t get to appreciate each element because it all mooshes into a soggy saucy calamity. Overall it was a pretty sloppy mess.

The Dutch Weed Burger Joint – Nicolaas Beetsstraat 47, 1053 RJ Amsterdam

 

The Dutch Weed Burger Joint is also near Vondelpark, and based all around the use of sea weed and algae as ingredients in their kick-ass vegan junk food. Yeah, you heard. SEA weed. So don’t get your stoner hopes up.

The Dutch Weed Burger: Very different from the VJFB burger but so damn good in it’s own way. The burger was juicy, full of flavour and tears apart in a way similar to pulled pork. It’s rounded off with a decent amount of salad and the best fucking sauce you will ever have, all resting between a green-tinged bun. It holds its shape, it’s a decent size, and there’s no cheese but that’s because it doesn’t need it to be a fucking awesome burger. Less omni friendly than the VJFB burger for sure, but still meaty enough. It’s just the pale and shredded texture of the burger that gives away the game.

Large Fries:  HOLY FUCKING SHIT THESE ARE AMAZING FRIES. Seriously, the best fries I’ve ever had. Granted they are inexplicably tiny in size but they are just perfect in every other way. Dipping them in the weed garlic sauce transports you to a place where Nazis aren’t taking over the US and everyone on earth gets a free puppy.

Weed Garlic Sauce: This sauce. Holy crap. It’s mayonaisey, flecked with sea weed and has a punchy garlic taste that isn’t overpowering. It doesn’t sound much but try it yourself and you’ll fucking see that this shit cannot be missed.

So, there ya go: a little taste of Amsterdam done vegan. Go on… book your flight, get some Euros, and tell your mum you’re going for the “cultural experience”. Good luck finding a vegan space cake though…

G x

by georgiamadness

GranoVita Organic Herb Pâté

pate herby

Contains: “sustainable” palm oil, nuts, soy

Free from: wheat

You know shit’s fucked up when shoving a tube down the throat of an animal to fatten up its liver to be blended up and spread on toast is seen as a reasonable means of providing a staple food product to a middle class household.

Yeah, I used to eat that shit. And it took me a while to realise that if you have to stop yourself thinking about what your food really is to be able to put it in your mouth and swallow then MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, you shouldn’t fucking eat it.

So, while it took me a while to get into veggie pâté, I have some strong feelings about why everyone – duck stuffers included – should shut the fuck up and embrace it with open arms (and mouths).

cracker 2

GranoVita’s pâté is thick without being chunky, packed full of bomb-ass herbs without the feeling of grazing on your front lawn, and it’s got a nice mild but distinct taste that doesn’t punch you in the mouth with garlic.

The downside: the bastard fucking thing is IMPOSSIBLE to get out of the tube. I had to go on Tinder and look back at the wildly inappropriate and sexually aggressive messages I’d received from thirsty fuckboys to fuel myself with enough rage to Hulk-smash the tube into submission. And when you do get it out of the tube, it looks a little bit like bird shit (ah, sweet irony). One tube costs around £2.75 which is pretty reasonable for the amount you get plus the added workout plan…

My advice: ignore the appearance and the fact you broke a sweat trying to access your afternoon snack, grab your crackers, and enjoy feeling like a middle class housewife nibbling on leftover hors d’oeuvres from your most recent dinner party.

Look, this pâté isn’t supposed to pretend to be the blended up organ of a dead bird. It is very obviously a veggie pâté, BUT that doesn’t mean omnis can’t enjoy it. And if they slag it off because it’s “weird vegan shit” just remind them that eating plants is way less fucked up than their weird carnist shit.

Alternatively, punch them in the jaw and don’t invite them round for fancy-ass food ever again.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Holland and Barrett, other health/alternative food stores

by georgiamadness