Contains: Wheat, Soya

Free from: Palm Oil, Nuts

Most of you have probably seen Vivera hit the shelves and we at JFP have already done a review or two about their stuff but they make SO. MANY. DIFFERENT. THINGS. And what kind of a blog would we be if we didn’t try them all? Although kebabs in the UK are almost exclusively eaten between 1 & 4 AM (when, let’s face it, you’re abso-fkn-lutely too piss drunk to care about taste), this is not that kind of meal. Plus it’s not exactly good drunk food if you’ve got to turn the fucking hob on. At that point you’re basically cooking a dinner. Another issue is cost. Vivera, for all the right you do in the world, why do you cost so much? Can I buy your products on finance with monthly installments (now available with 1,325% APR)?

The above photo was one packet. Now, either you’re calling me a fat shit (it’s fine, I only cry on the inside) or that is NOT enough for one person, nor is it worth that obscene £2… It looks a lot more appealing than your average frozen goods and, to be honest, it smells a hell of a lot better too. Chuck it in the pan and the spices literally ooze out of this thing, I felt like some 80s cartoon being floating in, seduced by the scent of a pie (slutty, slutty pie). If you’re still thinking of your burger cart pisshead kebab, I cannot stress how different this tastes. It will blow your tits off. It’s not necessarily the best thing I’ve ever eaten, but the spice and the meatiness of it is so damn good, all without being overly greasy or looking horrifically unappealing.

“Wow, this sounds great, there must be something wrong with it though?” And there is, Kevin! Texture. Whoever made this has never had food, I’m 99% sure of this. It’s… spongy. It’s… soft. There’s something peculiar about it, it’s not offensive but it’s just not quite right. Again, not necessarily bad but it’s not a kebab and whilst it’s not gonna make you question what it is you’re putting in your mouth or plague your entire meal, it’s definitely something you notice.

So how does it hold up to the real thing? It’s not the shittest kebab I’ve ever had (and if you have had a burger cart kebab, you’ll think that’s not saying much but it genuinely is quite good) and I definitely give it points. 4 to be exact. In terms of likeness to the real thing? You could put it in an omni’s meal but they sure as shit won’t believe it’s meat, let’s put it that way.

• My Rating: 4/5
• Omnivore Score: 2/5
• Overall: 3/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s and select Sainsbury’s stores.