Contains: Wheat, Soya 

Free from: Palm Oil, Nuts

I’ve been vegan for long enough now that I know going off the big brands is a gamble. In this case, I put some money into a poker game only to realise I should’ve been playing blackjack. What I mean is, this burger? Shit burger. However it’s not actually too bad if you judge it as a falafel. After the recommended cooking time of 25 minutes (an eternity in JFP time, I write this now as an incontinent, decrepit old man) I got what might as well have been a dry and crumbly falafel. At £2.29 for two patties, it’s actually not too bad (but not worth it, recommend: do not buy).

Uncooked

Cooked

Texture is dry. It looks like a Martian landscape, it feels like a Martian landscape and quite frankly it’s the ugly step-sister of any burger I’ve tried before. As soon as you bite into it, it’s dry – the moisture just ripped from your mouth and replaced with sand. It’s mealy and grainy. I realised though that since it is actually quite similar to badly made falafel, throwing this into a pitta with some hummus and spinach? Deal maker. The outer crustiness (in the good way, not the “Hey doc, does this look crusty to you?” way) and crunchiness definitely needs something like a spread or a sauce to even it out, otherwise it’s all trash.

One thing I didn’t expect this to hold up well in (and it didn’t, you absolute disappointment to food) was taste. Everyone who’s had tofu will tell you that if you don’t treat your tofu right, it’s going to taste of nothing. This is exactly what’s happened here. Essentially you’re given a puck of tofu and beans (not a bad place to start) but that’s it. Just the taste of tofu and beans – essentially nothing. With no discernible meat taste and the shittest texture in the world of junk food, this burger is a low scorer.

Without wanting to subject our in-house omnivore experts, let me tell you now that this is bottom of the pile scum. There’s no place for this in any vegan, vegetarian, omni, fruitarian, pescetarian, or other x-tarian cookbooks.

• My Rating: 1/5
• Omnivore Score: 1/5
• Overall: 1/5

Find this product at: Holland & Barrett, Morrison’s and other health food stores.