Contains: Wheat

Free from: Palm Oil, Nuts, Soya

WARNING WARNING WARNING. People who are: weak of stomach, pregnant, below the age of 18, above the age of 18 and those with love for themselves, do not read on. This won’t be the last you’ll hear this about VBites but let’s talk more about this “Gourmet” Beanfeast Pate (hint: it’s neither gourmet nor a feast). It’s £1.89 from Holland & Barret, which means it’s not expensive. There’s a reason for that.

It fucking sucks. If I were to compare its texture to a real pate? Sure, it’s spot on. Grainy, a little bitty yet still smooth and spreadable. That doesn’t mean it’s good. It’s too grainy, it tastes like the way organic sounds. I type this now as I struggle to keep it down with its dry and mealy feel, like a mouthful of dirt. Not good dirt, more like that manure, maggot infested compost that industrial farms use. If you’re ever holding a fancy dinner party or would like an upmarket lunchtime snack, look elsewhere.

Maybe it tastes good? Maybe it’s made up for by it’s delicious “beanfeast” and “gourmet” flavours? Maybe it teases your taste buds and makes its shit texture worthwhile. In true dream-crushing fashion, it doesn’t. It’s none of the above. It does taste of beans, pure beans. Initially it’s almost like it could have been pleasant at one time. Then it struck. The aftertaste is an amalgam of spam (possibly pig anus, who knows) and beans, all blended into some sick, twisted joke of a pate.

I’m not even going to entertain the idea of feeding this to a non-vegan, non-human or non-meat eating soul. It offends me, my family and everything I’ve ever known. Vbites, you fucking suck.

• My Rating: 1/5
• Omnivore Score: 1/5
• Overall: 1/5

Find this product at: Holland & Barret and various health food stores.