Contains: “sustainable” palm oil, nuts, soy
Free from: wheat
You know shit’s fucked up when shoving a tube down the throat of an animal to fatten up its liver to be blended up and spread on toast is seen as a reasonable means of providing a staple food product to a middle class household.
Yeah, I used to eat that shit. And it took me a while to realise that if you have to stop yourself thinking about what your food really is to be able to put it in your mouth and swallow then MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, you shouldn’t fucking eat it.
So, while it took me a while to get into veggie pâté, I have some strong feelings about why everyone – duck stuffers included – should shut the fuck up and embrace it with open arms (and mouths).
GranoVita’s pâté is thick without being chunky, packed full of bomb-ass herbs without the feeling of grazing on your front lawn, and it’s got a nice mild but distinct taste that doesn’t punch you in the mouth with garlic.
The downside: the bastard fucking thing is IMPOSSIBLE to get out of the tube. I had to go on Tinder and look back at the wildly inappropriate and sexually aggressive messages I’d received from thirsty fuckboys to fuel myself with enough rage to Hulk-smash the tube into submission. And when you do get it out of the tube, it looks a little bit like bird shit (ah, sweet irony). One tube costs around £2.75 which is pretty reasonable for the amount you get plus the added workout plan…
My advice: ignore the appearance and the fact you broke a sweat trying to access your afternoon snack, grab your crackers, and enjoy feeling like a middle class housewife nibbling on leftover hors d’oeuvres from your most recent dinner party.
Look, this pâté isn’t supposed to pretend to be the blended up organ of a dead bird. It is very obviously a veggie pâté, BUT that doesn’t mean omnis can’t enjoy it. And if they slag it off because it’s “weird vegan shit” just remind them that eating plants is way less fucked up than their weird carnist shit.
Alternatively, punch them in the jaw and don’t invite them round for fancy-ass food ever again.
- My Rating – 4/5
- Omnivore Score – 4/5
- Overall – 4/5
Find this product at: Holland and Barrett, other health/alternative food stores
The JunkFood Punks 
Just googled how to get the pate out of the tube and your review came up in the search. Made me laugh out loud, so thanks ☺️ in the end I had to get the rolling pin on it, no idea why I couldn’t get the rage going as per your advice! There’s plenty going on out there to get for d up about. But hey ho, I found a technique and it sort of works 😊
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I try not to think about what I’m eating at all. Because nine times out of ten, it just makes me sad.
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