GranoVita Mock Duck


Contains: wheat, soy

Free from: nuts, palm oil

When I opened my can of mock duck, I experienced a feeling of complete and utter repulsion that until this day I thought would be reserved for the unlikely event of Boris Johnson dropping his trousers and sexually propositioning me.

Splaying the clammy, flesh-toned”meat” on my kitchen counter and being faced with lumps, bumps, and questionable smells reinforced my feeling that this situation was going to be equally as nauseating as a face-first experience with whatever is concealed under BoJo’s Calvins.

“Hey babe, come here often?”

This shit is way too realistic in texture and appearance for me. It made my stomach turn. A duck may not have died for this, but a piece of my fucking soul definitely did.

BUT because I am obviously hardcore as fuck and because science, I tried a piece before cooking it (which according to the tin is a totally recommended serving suggestion).

Here’s my serving suggestion: DON’T.

Eating it cold is like a physical representation of the feeling you get when you find out Trump is president or the UK voted to “leave”… it’s sad, sickening, and hard to swallow. Fortunately, unlike the American or British public, mock duck managed to turn it around and not be a complete fucking tragedy.


Once you get past wanting to hurl while you pull apart the larger pieces into shreds, the mock duck is fucking delightful.

It browns up really nicely in a wok and takes on the flavour of whatever you cook it in. I went for soy sauce, agave, garlic and sesame seeds and chucked it all on some wheat noodles, which tasted pretty damn good for a 5 minute fuck around in the kitchen.

It tastes good, but you definitely couldn’t fool an omni with this. The texture is good but not a perfect imitation and the flavour of the “meat” alone gives it away. At £2 for two VERY small portions it’s not worth getting into the whole “murder tastes better” debate.

WhatsApp Image 2017-08-16 at 12.51.22

  • My Rating – 3.5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 0/5
  • Overall – 3.5/5

Find this product at: Holland and Barrett, and other health/alternative food stores.

4 thoughts on “GranoVita Mock Duck

  1. Came here for a recipe and get politics. Advice don’t mix. Nothing punkish in your viewpoints unfortunately. Trite mainstream views rehashed. Surprise you don’t like Trump (!) but of course Biden’s wholesome politics are having a wonderful effect across the USA. As for brexit UK has a free trade with the EU and is getting on with things. Low unemployment no major bank collapses yet like in the EU and US and generally UK is little different to what it was before, save for endless remoan complaints and a refusal just to get on with life. You should be proud the UK is the first referendum in the EUs history that actually stood. Every other one was either ignored or overturned by national governments, bit most remainers don’t seem to care for this glaring abuse of democracy. Stick to cooking.


  2. Thank you!!!!
    Great review, funny and very helpful in the same time.
    I had the same feeling opening first can and first try… Read review just before give this second chance 😃


  3. This review is perfect (in more ways than one…politics spot on even 2 years down the line). Im gonna give this mock duck a try after all 😊


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