GranoVita Mock Duck

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Contains: wheat, soy

Free from: nuts, palm oil

When I opened my can of mock duck, I experienced a feeling of complete and utter repulsion that until this day I thought would be reserved for the unlikely event of Boris Johnson dropping his trousers and sexually propositioning me.

Splaying the clammy, flesh-toned”meat” on my kitchen counter and being faced with lumps, bumps, and questionable smells reinforced my feeling that this situation was going to be equally as nauseating as a face-first experience with whatever is concealed under BoJo’s Calvins.

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“Hey babe, come here often?”

This shit is way too realistic in texture and appearance for me. It made my stomach turn. A duck may not have died for this, but a piece of my fucking soul definitely did.

BUT because I am obviously hardcore as fuck and because science, I tried a piece before cooking it (which according to the tin is a totally recommended serving suggestion).

Here’s my serving suggestion: DON’T.

Eating it cold is like a physical representation of the feeling you get when you find out Trump is president or the UK voted to “leave”… it’s sad, sickening, and hard to swallow. Fortunately, unlike the American or British public, mock duck managed to turn it around and not be a complete fucking tragedy.

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Once you get past wanting to hurl while you pull apart the larger pieces into shreds, the mock duck is fucking delightful.

It browns up really nicely in a wok and takes on the flavour of whatever you cook it in. I went for soy sauce, agave, garlic and sesame seeds and chucked it all on some wheat noodles, which tasted pretty damn good for a 5 minute fuck around in the kitchen.

It tastes good, but you definitely couldn’t fool an omni with this. The texture is good but not a perfect imitation and the flavour of the “meat” alone gives it away. At £2 for two VERY small portions it’s not worth getting into the whole “murder tastes better” debate.

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  • My Rating – 3.5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 0/5
  • Overall – 3.5/5

Find this product at: Holland and Barrett, and other health/alternative food stores.

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