Contains: palm oil

Free From: nuts, soy, gluten

“VEGAN CHEESECAKE?! Sign me the fuck up.” -me, in Tesco

“What in the HELL KIND OF SICK GAME ARE THEY PLAYING?!” -me, after eating this plastic cup of disappointment

This shit is not cheesecake. It is coconut pudding desperately masquerading as something that could maybe be perceived as cheesecake by someone who has never seen or tried cheesecake ever in their life.

THE BASE. This is not a biscuit base. This is a soft, flaky catastrophe. Theresa May would stay the hell away because this base sure ain’t strong and stable.

THE “CAKE”. What even are you doing, Tesco? Fuck off. Fuck off right now. You have made me SAD. This has in no way got the texture or tang of cheesecake. It was sweet as anything, and tasted of straight up coconut.

THE BLACKCURRANT COMPOTE. Okay yeah actually this bit was alright. Probably the saving grace of this whole monstrosity to be honest. Without the compote I would have abandoned all hope, but this made it bearable because it helped mask the overwhelming taste of coconut.

Look, this thing doesn’t taste bad by any means but it definitely does not taste like cheesecake. Tesco, just give it to us straight. Call it a “coconut dessert with blackcurrant compote” and I wouldn’t complain, because each element actually tastes quite good. Don’t be all deceiving with this “cheesecake” bullshit.

(The following scores are based on the fact that I spent £1.70 on NOT CHEESECAKE. MY HOPES AND DREAMS WERE CRUSHED.)

• My Rating: 2/5
• Omnivore Score: nope/5
• Overall: 2/5

Find this product at: Tesco