Red Velvet Oreos

red velvet oreo

Contains: gluten, soy, palm oil

Free From: nuts

“Red velvet Oreos? Hell yeah!” No, five-minutes-ago-G, YOU ARE WRONG.

Advertised as having a cream cheese flavoured crème I thought “This will be like all the classic cupcakes I’ve been missing but in a delicious biscuit form.” WRONG AGAIN.

These things are a wild ride from start to finish. For one thing, they are as thick as a damn Jane Austen novel and the only logical reason I can think of to justify this is that the Americans refused to sell something that didn’t have enough sugar per serving to instigate instant tooth decay.

Oh by the way, one serving = 2 Oreos. Let’s just take a moment to cry about that.

So, let’s bite into one of these red bastards.


My first thought: GOD BLESS AMERICA.

My second thought that occurred milliseconds later: Is it possible to feel yourself develop heart disease?

That first bite was a fucking MONSOON of intense sugary cupcake-y flavour. It had that awesome first-bite-of-the-cake sensory overload that just smacks you right in the face. It was quickly and dramatically followed by a weird sour tang that I think was once conceptualised to imitate cream cheese. America, have you ever had cream cheese?!

What the fuck did I just subject myself to? Yeah you could easily feed these to your omnivore friends because they’re Oreos but good god why would you do that to them?! Wanna lose friends? THAT’S HOW YOU LOSE FRIENDS.

  • My Rating: ????/5
  • Omnivore Score: !!!!/5
  • Overall: ?!?!/5

Find this product at: Pretty much nowhere, fortunately.

(or your local American Candy store)

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