Vivera veggie Shawarma Kebab

Contains: Wheat, Soya

Free from: Palm Oil, Nuts

Most of you have probably seen Vivera hit the shelves and we at JFP have already done a review or two about their stuff but they make SO. MANY. DIFFERENT. THINGS. And what kind of a blog would we be if we didn’t try them all? Although kebabs in the UK are almost exclusively eaten between 1 & 4 AM (when, let’s face it, you’re abso-fkn-lutely too piss drunk to care about taste), this is not that kind of meal. Plus it’s not exactly good drunk food if you’ve got to turn the fucking hob on. At that point you’re basically cooking a dinner. Another issue is cost. Vivera, for all the right you do in the world, why do you cost so much? Can I buy your products on finance with monthly installments (now available with 1,325% APR)?

The above photo was one packet. Now, either you’re calling me a fat shit (it’s fine, I only cry on the inside) or that is NOT enough for one person, nor is it worth that obscene £2… It looks a lot more appealing than your average frozen goods and, to be honest, it smells a hell of a lot better too. Chuck it in the pan and the spices literally ooze out of this thing, I felt like some 80s cartoon being floating in, seduced by the scent of a pie (slutty, slutty pie). If you’re still thinking of your burger cart pisshead kebab, I cannot stress how different this tastes. It will blow your tits off. It’s not necessarily the best thing I’ve ever eaten, but the spice and the meatiness of it is so damn good, all without being overly greasy or looking horrifically unappealing.

“Wow, this sounds great, there must be something wrong with it though?” And there is, Kevin! Texture. Whoever made this has never had food, I’m 99% sure of this. It’s… spongy. It’s… soft. There’s something peculiar about it, it’s not offensive but it’s just not quite right. Again, not necessarily bad but it’s not a kebab and whilst it’s not gonna make you question what it is you’re putting in your mouth or plague your entire meal, it’s definitely something you notice.

So how does it hold up to the real thing? It’s not the shittest kebab I’ve ever had (and if you have had a burger cart kebab, you’ll think that’s not saying much but it genuinely is quite good) and I definitely give it points. 4 to be exact. In terms of likeness to the real thing? You could put it in an omni’s meal but they sure as shit won’t believe it’s meat, let’s put it that way.

  • My Rating: 4/5
  • Omnivore Score: 2/5
  • Overall: 3/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s and select Sainsbury’s stores.

Pulled Oumph!

Contains: Soya

Free from: Wheat, Palm Oil, nuts

So this is even more ambiguous than your run of the mill vegan fast food (whether it be “strips” or “bits” or “chunks”)… This is just pulled Oumph. As someone who’s pulled their Oumph plenty of times throughout their early teens, I sure fucking hope this is different. ANYWAY, it’s one of a few of Oumph!’s frozen options to hit the supermarket shelves and at £2 a pack (typically does two meals or one if you lack self control like we do at JFP) I had to give it a try.

First things first: picture pulled pork in your mind. What do you think? Maybe some saucy sweetness, some stringy and shredded chunks of flesh? Well, as you can see from the above images it’s abso-fuckin-lutely not what Oumph provides us… Or is it?

I was SHOCKED when I first brought out what appeared to be frozen balls of ketchup and tofu but then I started cooking it. Give it a few minutes and before long you’re drooling at the good ol’ smell of smokey BBQ. As the Oumph thaws, it looks less like sad KFC reject and more like the classic pulled goodness you just wanna shove in your mouth. 10/10 for smells and sights. Would recommend to a friend.

Texture is there too. It’s exactly what you want from pulled something. Fine and chunky in all the right places (I’m not frustrated, I promise) with just enough “bite” to make you really wonder if you grabbed the right pack from the frozen section. It’s not grainy, it’s not some clear vegetable substitute. The sauce is a bit much so it CAN feel a bit gloopy but honestly? Ithought I’d fucked up here but no, it’s all plant based, my pals, but you wouldn’t know it even if I told you.

The taste? Just as spot on. Welllll… Maybe the BBQ is a little strong (it is all you can smell) and maybe the “meat” is a bit bland by comparison, but am I complaining? Absolutely not. Together they somehow work and whilst it might be a bit overpowering on its own, chuck that shit in a sandwich and say goodbye to your bank account and waistline.

Scores speak for themselves, my pals.

  • My rating: 5/5
  • Omnivore score: 4/5
  • Overall score: 4.5/5

Available at: Tescos

Vivera Fish Goujons


Contains: wheat

Free from: palm oil, nuts, soya

Nothing says commitment to your blog like not posting for 2 weeks then getting pissed, trying out some fish goujons, and typing up some drunk nonsense as if that counts as a quality review.

As entertaining as Drunk G can be, I had to get my shit together and actually turn that crap into something I could actually publish.

Ages ago I reviewed Quorn’s Fishless Fingers and BOY WAS I JAZZED. I’ll spare you the reminiscing about fish finger sandwiches (because obviously you read that blog post, duh) but the basic gist was that even my omni sister found them so convincing she’d struggle to tell them apart from the real thing.

Despite a high standard previously set by a fake fishy sandwich filler, Vivera’s Fish Goujons completely blew my mind.

They were very convincingly fishy without going overboard (because no one wants their fake fish to taste like the underside of Brighton Pier), and they nailed the texture inside and out. The breadcrumb is much nicer on these goujons than on Quorn’s as it does crumble when you bite into it, unlike the fishless fingers. Vivera really went all-out to trump Quorn in every possible way, because even cooking the goujons is quicker than sticking the fishless fingers in the oven for god knows how long (okay so it’s still only 15 minutes but that’s AFTER pre-heating and when you’re a hungry bitch like me, every minute is precious before we get to full-blown hanger). The goujons just need light frying for about 4 minutes and they’re cooked through and ready to go.



Look at these beautiful golden bastards. For the sake of science I put them in a fishfinger sandwich, in order to draw a direct comparison with the fishless fingers I know and love. The goujons absolutely smashed it; they were bigger, thicker, juicier, and all-around tastier than the fishless fingers. I ate that sandwich in under 2 minutes then went back and made another (…for science, obviously…).

Honestly, if Vivera keep bringing their A-game I am going to have to buy some bigger jeans because I can’t get enough of their chilled products right now.

  • My Rating – 5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 5/5
  • Overall – 5/5

Find this product at: Tesco

Vivera Veggie Steak


Contains: soya, wehat

Free from: nuts, palm oil

Unless you’ve been living in the Marianas Trench for the last few weeks, you’ll have heard that Vivera’s Vegan Steaks launched in Tesco, and they’ve been flying off the shelves.  That’s right – VEGAN STEAK! IN THE UK!

When I went vegan, my parents were shocked mostly because in my omni days my favourite meal was steak (done rare, no less…). I was as far from vegan as you could get. If you asked 14 year old Georgia if she’d ever give up cooking slabs of meat on the BBQ in exchange for a soy mock-up… well she would probably write some emo poetry or post a cringe-y Facebook status about how she less-than-threes steak more than life itself.*

Regardless, here I am, aged 23 and possibly breaking speeding laws to get my ass to the nearest Tesco before the Vivera steaks sell out so I can ethically revisit my youth and have something to blog about this week.

Here’s what it looked like fresh out the frying pan. It took less than 5 minutes to cook so pairing it with chips was a terrible idea considering how fucking hungry I was when I set out to cook this meal, but I digress…




Holy. Fucking. Shit.

It’s not perfect, don’t get me wrong. I’m not gonna stand here and wax lyrical about how it’s a bloody marvel and an exact replica of a rump or sirloin. But my god, it is god damn close enough.

The texture is great. It’s meaty, while not being exact like steak as you don’t have to saw through it, so you can put your old steak knives back in their rightful place – lost somewhere in the miscellaneous cutlery drawer.

The taste is amazing. It’s juicy and the right amount of salty, though you can tell there is a distinct soy taste to it. Jazzed up with some peppercorn sauce and this basic dinner would be a fucking winner no matter who you fed it to.

As for cooking? You literally could not fuck this up. I wasn’t kidding when I said it takes less than five minutes in a frying pan. Just don’t get distracted for five fucking minutes and you’ll be golden.


Let’s be honest here – this steak is not gonna be for everyone. It may be vegan, but there are vegans out there who are so far removed from meat that they do not want or need this steak in their lives and that’s fine (more for me). There are going to be omnis out there with sticks so far up their asses that they would not even deign to try this, and again – that’s fine (because once again, more for me). And of course there will be people who still eat steak or used to eat steak who give this a go and think it falls ever so slightly short and they won’t be having it a second time. Kudos for trying, please give me your leftovers.

I loved this. I honestly fucking loved it. I could not have asked for anything more perfect because it ticks all the right boxes in taste, texture, price, and effort without being an exact replica of steak because frankly, I wouldn’t want that. I’d be too freaked. The Vivera steak toes the line and does it with such precision; I could not commend this any higher.

Oh and for anyone still on the fence about trying it: a pack of 2 Vivera steaks cost about £2.40 (less than a coffee from Costa, I’m just saying…).

  • My Rating – 5/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 5/5

Find this product at: Tesco

*for anyone confused… that’s how we used to roll with making heart emojis back in the days of MSN. ❤

Tesco Meat Free Fishless Fish Cakes


Contains: wheat

Free from: nuts, palm oil, soy

There was one time back in my omni days at uni when I was so unwell I became a pathetic lump and could not get out of bed, even to feed myself. Yes, you heard that right – not even food could motivate me. Ryan (being the best pal that he is) did my delusional bidding and went down the chippy and got me a fish cake and chips.


The point there was supposed to be that I used to love fishcakes so much that I would risk heaving them back up just in case that happened to be my last meal (it was only sinusitis… I was totally not being dramatic…).

I found this brand new box of wonder in the free-from freezer section of Tesco (where I do most of my weekly shop) and I was so excited to try them, expecting great things seeing as Tesco has been well ahead of the game in terms of stocking some top-notch vegan nosh.


They definitely look that part, and they only take 20 minutes in the oven from frozen which is pretty much the upper limit when it comes to waiting time when you’re a lazy  and impatient bitch like me.

Here’s the thing… while Tesco is often the front runner of supplying us with convenient vegan food, it can also sometimes fall a little flat when it comes to their own-brand stuff.

These fishless fishcakes were perfect… if you were never really a fan of fish.

Instead of fishy, they taste quite starchy. Not in a necessarily unpleasant way… just in a sort of underwhelming “carbs with herbs” kinda way. Texture-wise they’ve hit the bulls-eye because the breadcrumb is really flavourful and doesn’t form a hard shell that conceals a mushy interior. It cooked evenly all the way through and (with enough ketchup) was a fairly inoffensive meal.


Yeah. The best I can come up with for this is “inoffensive”. God, I should really work in marketing…

Look, it was fine. Not “fine” like how your partner says “fine” when you say you’re going down the pub with your mates and don’t know when you’ll be back. More like “fine” as in “the weather here in England managed to break into the low teens temperature-wise and it isn’t pissing down with rain”. That kind of fine. You aren’t going to put on a garish Hawaiin shirt and party about it, but you’ll take it if it’s there and won’t complain.

In short, there are better fake fish products out there. My omni sister swears that Quorn fishless fingers taste like the real deal, so I’m sure at some point in the future there will be some vegan fishcakes that actually taste like they were at one point somewhat vaguely near the damn ocean…

  • My Rating – 3/5
  • Omnivore Score – 2/5
  • Overall – 3/5

Find this product at: Tesco

Quorn Vegan BBQ Strips


Contains: Wheat

Free from: Nuts, Soya, Palm Oil

Venturing outside our world of patties, hotdogs and sausages – I’m trying Quorn BBQ Strips… What is a  strip, you say? Get me enough drink and I’ll show you haaaaaa… (but seriously, I don’t know). Anyway… Quorn have been coming out with vegan things left, right and centre in the past year and this just sounded like something I had to try. You can squeeze out two meals from a single £2.50 bag so it’s not horrendously priced but are you willing to fork that much out for “mystery strips”? Well, you fuckin’ should.


First off – what’s with every Quorn product looking like it came out of a Play-Doh fun factory? They don’t look great out the pack and I didn’t have high hopes at first… but then, once the pan had heated up a bit, the smell hit. Think McDonald’s BBQ sauce. Now imagine just the smell of that dominating EVERYTHING but in the best kind of way, like Ronald McD’s own brand cologne. They come out actually looking edible and less like Colgate’s newest and least welcome flavoured toothpaste and still smelling 10/10. If at this point you’re worrying they’ve overdone the flavouring, don’t because they haven’t. Even though it smells like heaven-on-fucking-high, the taste isn’t as overpowering. It’s not one of those where you have to spice it before hand or where you wish you were eating cardboard instead, no, it’s just damn spot on. A good mix of BBQ, a good mix of… Quorn flavour? Shit, I don’t even know what Quorn’s made of but that taste.


So what’s wrong with it? Is there anything wrong with it? Is this really God’s gift to man? Well, no. The only thing I have wrong with this product (probably linked to my severe lack of knowledge as to what Quorn actually is) is that the texture is like if Spongebob and talcum powder somehow had the most disfigured and mangled child (has science gone too far?). It just crumbles, falls apart and then mushes a bit in your mouth whilst somehow also sucking all the moisture out of it at once. I know that sounds like the worst thing in the world, but I wouldn’t discount these bad boys just yet. I’m convinced that it’s nothing a little sauce couldn’t fix because the taste is all there, Quorn just need to do something about their weird, compressed ‘shroom… stuff.

I really, really want to be able to answer the omnivore question but I don’t know what the fuck an omni strip is… Chicken? Well… this is definitely not fucking chicken unless it’s that pink goop they use to make nuggets. Steak? We were closer with pink goop. So for my actual rating? I’d give it a solid 4. Real good shit. Omnivore score? It actually has to be a 0 (but honestly it tastes good enough just feed it to them anyway).

  • My Rating: 4/5
  • Omnivore Score: 0/5
  • Overall: 5/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s, Sainsbury’s, Morrison’s, Ocado and ASDA.


Gosh! Beetroot, Kale, and Quinoa Burgers


Free From: soy, nuts, palm oil, gluten

We just had a heatwave here in the UK which obviously meant every fucker and his mother had their tops off, beers cooling, and BBQs out.

We’ve already covered a lot of burgers and sausages since we started JFP, but it seems like 2018 is the Year of the Vegan because you can’t go up the shops without another goddamn veggie burger staring at you from the Free From fridge.

Ryan is a man who likes his burgers busting with veggies and beans. I myself prefer a dirty, greasy, fake-meaty burger that makes my arteries get a little worried. So we really didn’t know which one of us should review this burger from Gosh considering it looks like a meat patty… but it definitely does not claim to be trying to emulate any form of mashed up animal (yum yum).

I stepped up and took the beetroot burger bullet, hoping and praying that it wouldn’t be as shit as most other “healthy” burgers that I’ve subjected myself to.


Stage one: remove from packaging. So far so good… it looks kinda like a meaty burger because of the pink from the beetroot and the squishy-but-nubbly texture (why don’t I work in marketing? It’s honestly a mystery).

Let’s be fucking clear: that’s where the likeness to a good honest burger ends.

Even before cooking these little pink lumps the smell of mint is over-fucking-powering. It kinda took me back to when my dad would buy “gourmet” burgers from Waitrose (because we are painfully middle-class) that were made with lamb and rammed with spices to make them distinct from your bog-standard poor-people quarter-pounders.

Totally echoing Ryan’s rant in his last post here – but they took TWENTY MINUTES to cook in the oven. TWENTY. And there’s no quick option to fry them or stick them on a BBQ (because you’d be stood there like a goddamn fool watching your burger disintegrate between the grill and into the fucking flames thank to their crap structural integrity). So you have to sit and suffer waiting by the oven, only to be cripplingly disappointed when they aren’t even fucking cooked through after the full time.


If these burgers were made of meat, they’d be a fucking health hazard. Or, in the eternal words of Gordon Ramsay:

gordon ramsay

This was so gross to eat. It had a bizarre dry shell which barely held together the completely soggy inside. Irritatingly, they actually tasted quite nice. Mint is the dominant flavour so it would be better with some kind of yoghurt dip rather than ketchup, which is just way to bougie for a basic BBQ in my opinion.

It wouldn’t matter if this was the best bizarro mint burger I had ever put in my mouth, because the texture was so disgusting I would struggle to bring myself to get over that for the flavour alone. Honestly, think raw minced meat. Yeah. Not exactly going to appeal to the vegan demographic, is it…

Don’t feed this to your vegan friends. Don’t feed this to your omni friends. If you feed this to anyone, you will not have any friends left.


Let’s rate this fucking catastrophe, shall we?

  • My Rating – 1/5
  • Omnivore Score – 1/5
  • Overall – 1/5

Find this product at: most supermarkets (but please do yourself a favour and leave it there)

Tesco’s Peanut & Avocado Burgers


Contains: Wheat, Soya, Nuts

Free from: Palm Oil

Fucking love peanuts. Pretty damn fond of avocado. Mix them together and what do you get? Literally the most inedible thing on this whole planet of Earth. Tesco’s patties have always been underwhelming if I’m honest (WHY do I keep doing this to myself) but I figured 1. I’d risk it for the blog and 2. One of our resident omnivores suggested it (fucking omnivores. What do they know, am I right?).

Do me a favour and look at that patty. Is that something you’d want in your burger? Hell, it’s not even something I’d want by itself. It’s a 2/10 for presentation and to be honest, the texture matches it. It’s dry, mealy and somewhat mashable – sort of like a badly made flapjack. The outside looks crunchy but it’s more like dehydrated mud. All of Tesco’s patties that I’ve had so far in my life have this cakey texture which, if you’ve ever ordered a fucking burger (or you know, if you just have taste buds), you know is not a quality you want in a patty. After drowning it in veganaise and throwing it in a wrap, it’s just about edible but if you eat this thing solo you may as well have just had grit. Not grits like the fun veggies but grit.


I know having a “vegetable” patty compared to one that looks like meat is sometimes controversial and polarising but I personally like it. I like seeing what veggies are in my burger and you CAN see some avocado in here. Doesn’t mean you can taste it for shit though. Similarly, the peanuts? They literally add nothing to it. The flavours are more or less the same as any other Tesco burger (i.e. bland.) but now with added anaphylaxis for those who are anti-nut. That is to say, there’s nothing really offensive about the taste because it’s non-fuckin’-existent. There’s just nothing there. If cardboard and cornmeal was a taste – Tesco have nailed it… Also, just as a side note to add a turd to a turd mountain, it cooks in 27 minutes. TWENTY SEVEN. WHAT IS THIS, THE GREAT FAMINE?! WHY DOES MY SHIT FOOD TAKE SO LONG TO COOK.

So, now that I feel I’ve made a calm, well though-out and eloquent discussion without any bias to one side or the other, let’s score it. Well, as you can see from the frozen hockey pucks above, it doesn’t resemble any burger I’ve fucking seen. Taste? Bland. Texture? Sahara Desert.

  • My Rating: 1/5
  • Omnivore Score: 0/5
  • Overall: 0.5/5

Find this product at: Tesco’s


Wicked Kitchen Hoi Sin Mushroom Wrap


Contains: Wheat, Soya, Palm Oil

Free from: Nuts

Every single vegan has been here and don’t tell me you haven’t but first, let me set the scene. You’re out and about, maybe headed to somewhere special, maybe not, I dunno it doesn’t matter. You’re kinda hungry and you’re looking for a bite to eat but you’ll be damned if you stop off in some snobby art café that’s gonna charge you £73,000 for bio-organic, locally sourced, reinforced smart water before you’ve even had a look at the food; all you want is a something cheap, quick and easy (don’t we all). All you have to choose from at the Tesco’s aisle is ‘Falafel and Coriander’ or ‘Carrot and Hummus’… WELL HOLD ON because their Wicked selection is stocked! The only problem is it costs 3 .fucking. pounds. when all other sandwiches cost half that. My socialist bones scream (EQUALITY FOR ALL FOODS). [Pro-Tip, going in at like 7pm means they’ll usually still be mostly in stock and reduced to 1.75.]


Finally a sandwich that won’t taste of dirt, right? Well… almost. Despite the fact I got SHAFTED on the filling (see the bottom wrap), I was so excited to finally try something a little different in the grab&go department. I’m not entirely sure what I expected, maybe something akin to a fucking hoi sin duck wrap but no. It’s that familiar crunch and of someone who’s pushed a carrot through a grater and not bothered to do anything with it. Unseasoned veggies, unappreciated leafy greens and all sorts of crimes against veganity were committed in this wrap. The mushroom taste was only sometimes there (which to all you shroom haters out there is probably a damn blessing) but all I can really taste is dry carrot which also takes over the entire texture of the thing. Crunch Crunch Crunch. Where is the richness, WHERE IS THE FUCKING HOI SIN?!



Answer? Well… The first wrap I ate was almost bone dry and not a single hint of sauce. I actually nearly stopped halfway because I was already pretty mad. FUCK Wicked for robbing me of this goodness. However in true JFP fashion, I reckoned I had to give the other side an equal shot and guess what? Found the Hoi Sin… I found all of it. Literally smothered in it and if you’ve ever tried this sauce before, you’ll know that too much of it renders something inedible… AGH I had such high hopes for this and I couldn’t even finish it. Not to say that the taste is necessarily bad or offensive, it just doesn’t do what it says on the tin. No smoothness, no richness in taste. Just mushrooms and carrots in one end and a plum mudslide in the other.

Scoring time. As you can probably tell, I’m vexed. Price? If I were King of Bhutan, I still wouldn’t want to waste my money on this. The texture in all fairness wasn’t awful but it wasn’t appealing. I wouldn’t want to make a meal like that for myself. The omnivore score, if I’m to compare this to an actual peking duck wrap is a straight 0.

  • My Rating: 1/5
  • Omnivore Score: 1/5
  • Overall: 1/5

Find this product at: Tescos


Fabulous Freefrom Factory Dairy Free Fudge


Contains: soy

Free From: wheat, nuts, palm oil

Try say the title three times fast, I dare ya.

This product has been out in the world for a while now and I will admit I have had these a couple times, but long before Ryan and I became the JFP. I thought it’s about damn time I shared my thoughts on these bite-size, sugar-high-inducing treats.

Now I know my fudge. I’m not from Cornwall so I can’t claim to be an expert on the stuff but when I was an omni I was mad for it. I craved it. The best part of Christmas markets? The fudge stall. Long day at school? Tuck into a pack of Morrison’s own brand vanilla fudge (thanks mum xxx). Point being, I loved dairy fudge enough to be a pretty reliable source of whether or not vegan fudge stands up to the real deal.*

*for all the vegans who will scream at me “IF IT CONTAINS ANIMAL PRODUCTS THEN IT ISN’T FOOD SO IT ISN’T ‘THE REAL DEAL'” can I request you back the fuck off, have a chamomile tea, and ask yourself why you strive to cause no harm to animals and yet are such an asshole to other human beings. Thanks. 

AAAAAAANYWAY. Back to the fudge.


Look at it. What a beauty.

They’re described on the packaging as “Crumbly, creamy, dreamy, velvety, bites”.

Let’s pick this apart, shall we?

Crumbly? Hell yeah.

Creamy? Fuck no.

Dreamy? Dream bigger, amigo.

Velvety? Oh hell yes.

Bites? Come on now, that’s obvious.

Look, let me be frank. They’re not gonna be creamy because they haven’t been made with cream. Not even non-dairy cream. That said, they do have a really fucking lovely crumbly, velvety texture so they melt in your mouth and are really bloody satisfying – especially with a cuppa.

They are very sugary. Like, a little bit sickly sweet. This is definitely a bit of an exercise in self control. One reviewer on the Sainsbury’s website may have described them as “like eating a cube of sugar” but that is some serious hyperbole; they may be sugary, but unless you have actually shoved a 1.5cm x 1.5cm brown sugar cube into your gob and let it sit and dissolve and slowly rot everything inside of you, then frankly you don’t have a leg to stand on with such grandiose statements. I should know, as I have done that.

If you’re like me (i.e. renowned for consuming an entire packet of any and all snacks at any given time) then definitely don’t shove three in your mouth at once on repeat until you want to be sick from the sugar hangover.

I subject myself to these things so you don’t have to.

Despite the more sugary taste compared to dairy fudge, they are still absolutely delicious and have that classic, subtly vanilla-ry “fudgy” taste about them. They also aren’t that expensive compared to (decent) dairy fudge, and you can find them at supermarkets as well as online so really I’d call this one a win. You could even give these to an omni no problem… unless they’re from the South-West of England and then you better give it a miss lest you insult their entire heritage.

  • My Rating – 4/5
  • Omnivore Score – 4/5
  • Overall – 4/5

Find this product at: Sainsbury’s, Morrisons, and online.